Lost love....I don't want to be weak.

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Registered: 08-19-2005
Lost love....I don't want to be weak.
6
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 1:59am

Well, this post will be the epitome of pathetic. Though my friend says feelings are valid, my mom says that at my age of 26 years old, I shouldn't be feeling/going through something "an 18-year old would".

It's Nick. Nick is the guy I've known since childhood. Nick is also the guy I fell in love with almost two years ago now. i had been on tons of dates before him, was in a relationship for a year and two months, and lived with another boyfriend for 6 months before Nick and I dated. Then, at the age of 24, Nick and I started dating. It lasted 7 weeks. But those 7 weeks were the most passionate, sexual, fun, and exciting of my life. I was head over heels for him. It was magic. He was amazing. What we had was amazing. He told me he'd never felt so much for someone so soon. I felt the same way, his friend kept asking me "what have you DONE to Nick". The connection we had was so right physically, emotionally, mentally (he told me this in his own words).

I went through an ugly duckling phase for a large portion of my life, up until the age of 15. I had a facial deformity, and was largely made fun by my peers from 10 or 11 years old up until I was 17 or 18. So Nick knew me then. We knew each other through church since about age 8, and went to camp togehter and everything- so essentially we'd been acquaintances since childhood.

Nick thought I was beautiful when I was younger, or so he told me. However, I suppose he told his friend about the corrective surgery I had to have when I was a teen, b/c his friend made a pass at it one night when we were out which caused Nick to stare at the table in shame and left me speechless because I don't talk about it. I was shocked, he never talked or mentioned to me about it though.

yet he knew what I TRULY look like, what my TRUE looks were, and he still was/always had been but I didn't know it/became crazy about me. That's how I knew he was genuine, he knew what I used to look like and still accepted me.

However, he mysteriously and suddenly ended things 7 weeks after we started dating. I was devastated, partly because he was the first guy I dated after being sexually assaulted by an ex I used to live with, partly because my brother had just been convicted and released from jail-- I had all sorts of other things to deal with at the time, and he was one who had offered me such pure joy and happiness during these rough ordeals.

I thought, was positive he'd come back to me, I thought in my heart we were soulmates, I had never connected to anyone like that before. He's all I've thought about for the past two years since we dated, I don't understand why things ended, there was no resolution........though I've tried and tried to push him out of my mind, forget about him, and have dated about 12 guys since him, he's still there. The sentimentality of his presence is still there. I think of how when we were younger, and he must have thought of me then, I was so stupid why didn't I look at him and realize what was between this. This could have happened between us when we were children.

So tonight I go to an outdoor prairie concert with my family, and I see him. He's there (I tried not to stare to hard to establish for sure it was him, but our eyes met). And he has his arm around another girl. And it's all I can do from breaking out in loud sobs during the numerous love songs the pianist played through the night at the concert, songs about being connected to those you've been in love with for years, reconnecting to childhood and innocence, finding peace within yourself. Songs that could so easily have been about US. And I'm alone with family (whom I love, and I know that doesn't make me "alone" in the literal sense of the word). He's there, with his arms around another girl.

Why didn't he want to be with me? Why is it when I finally find a true love, he leaves? Why didn't he want me? What makes her better than me?

I KNOW what happened isn't so devastating when compared to divorces, the ending of relationships that lasted for years, etc. However, it comes down to regret, unanswered questions. When we were together, I felt a great peace in my heart, thinking "wow, I get it now- this is how the circle comes together". It felt like something that had been waiting to happened and it happened.

I feel like nothing.....

p.s. um, literally since I've been dwelling on this for two years, I am not kidding, maybe I just had an ephiphany just now. My mom knows why I'm upset and crying, and she says I'm being maudlin. which, I argued, well I'm not necessarily crying for the past, but rather I feel unfulfilled in that I experienced something and I feel like it was going to fill me up for the rest of my life, and it was taken away prematurely. And she mentioned my grandpa (her dad) once told her that the women who lived across the street were being weak because the mother and daughter used to get together every week and cry about the past, and they were being maudlin in that way.

So I guess I dont' want to sit here and crya bout the past, because that IS weak. However, I don't want to feel like I'm missing out on something that could have been great. Does that make sense?

Weaknesses aside, seeing him with this girl just sent a sudden stining jolt throughout my body and honestly my first thought was "she is better than me, she has something more going for her than I do." Someone please tell me this just isn't true in all honesty.




Edited 9/3/2005 2:11 am ET ET by northernsummerstar
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 10:43am
The truth is, you'll never know why he's with her and not with you.
My ex and I were together for over 3 years and we've only been broken up for 3 months, but I've heard he's dating a girl from work that has a 5 year old child.
When we broke up it was because he wasn't ready for that much of a commitment, not mature enough, not financially stable enough, etc. But now, if he's really dating a woman with a child, he must be ready for all that with her.
It hurts like he11 but there's not a thing in the world you/I can do about it and the best thing to do is just try to move on. Accept it as a loss and realize that there is somebody out there somewhere that is going to be so much better for you then you can even dream possible.
Good luck
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 9:36pm

hey, i'm 26 too - your mom's wrong to belittle your feelings. we all go through this stuff. so here's my advice...

stop telling yourself this guy was your "soulmate" or your "true love" or whatever else you just wrote. stop allowing yourself to think those things. you THOUGHT he was your soulmate, but YOU WERE WRONG. he told you some lovely things, but that was just SWEET TALK. you've got to keep repeating that to yourself. even if you don't believe it, it's better than the sentimental stuff you've been repeating to yourself up till now. soulmates don't break up with each other. maybe they do in the movies, because it makes for good drama, but in real life people break up because there is something wrong. who knows what. it doesn't matter what it was. something about you was a dealbreaker for him. soulmates don't have dealbreakers.

i had an ex who i was so sure i was going to marry. he said he loved me but didn't want to marry me. i thought he just needed more time... after much pushing and prodding, he told me what it really was. there was something about ME, my personality, that he thought would make me a bad mother. OUCH. sometimes it's better not to know... the good news is that i'm with someone else now who i love very much. we've talked about marriage a little. i told him what my ex said and he almost fell out of his chair. he couldn't believe my ex was such an idiot. of course, that could just be sweet talk - time will tell - but at least i know my ex was NOT in fact the high point of my life. it keeps getting better. yours will too. we're only 26! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 8:11pm
Yep... been there. About a year ago I was engaged to an awesome guy who I thought was my "soul mate." A couple months before our wedding he told me he was going out with the guys and he'd call me in the morning. I never heard from him again (except for an email a week or so later saying it was over. No explanation, no nothing) And a year later it is still difficult for me. You are not being maudlin or weak--you lost someone you loved. And maybe you two were perfect for each other, but for whatever reason, he decided you weren't meant to be together. Maybe seeing him at the concert will provide you with some closure. He's obviously moved on, and I know it's easier said than done, but it sounds like you need to as well. You can spend the rest of your life wondering why you two didn't work out. But instead, try and focus on going forward and saying to yourself, "Yeah, that was an awesome couple of months" and concentrate on finding your REAL soul mate. It will be like those seven weeks for the rest of your life. That's something to look forward to!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 9:01am

I'll be 34 in another week and I'm about to be married for the first time in my life. Let me share a secret with you...

You know when I always got over a guy I've loved. When I finally really love a new one. Sure like you I would date plenty in between, but when I'd get down or I'd be feeling bad about myself or it would have not panned out between me another guy I was dating I would ALWAYS find myself thinking of that last love. Wondering if I couldn't have made it work.

Kind of pining for him and wallowing in a self-pity. Indulging my feelings of "I'll never find anyone as great as he was ever again." Usually after a few days I'd snap out of it and get back to my usual happy self or at least I'd slap that mask on, until I was ready for another good wallow.

I guess it was over the course of 25-30 I realized that if I was going to be happy I had to accept responsibility for my own happiness. I had to stop waiting to be happy for a new boyfriend, or a new pair of shoes, or a promotion, or a new job. I had to be happy NOW. Everyday I had to find a way to be happy right NOW.

It took a long time to acomplish my goal it took years to condition myslef to stop focusing on the negative and focus on the positive. It took years to teach myself to not think the way I had been, that there was only one guy for me and if I missed out on him I'd be alone forever. It took years for me to stop looking to my past or my future for happiness and find it in myself everyday.

You're probably going through a bit of a "quarter-life crisis" you reach an age around 25 and realize that you didn't do all the things you thought you were going to do by that age. And at a time like that I think it's the most natural thing in the world to reflect and maybe try to live too long in the past. A time you saw as the pinacle of your life so far and wonder what if you could have extended that a little more. It's also normal to think "What if that's as good as it gets?"

This is the time when you make a choice. You decide to live in the past and try to go back or you move forward and you start to change and grow again. You can decide that the pinacle you look back to will be the pincale of your life or if you've still got a lot more pinacles coming to you and you go out and find them.

The place you're in right now is just a dip on the journey. You obviuosly don't live in the past. You're dating. You're working on issues you have. You're moving forward. You may be struggling to move forward but you are. And it may feel that for every step forward you take you fall back two. Unfortunately, that's just part of the journey too. The good news is the struggle makes you stronger and wiser and in the long run it all pays off.

I know it sucks, but I can assure you it gets better and there is nothing weird or abnormal or weak about what you are feeling or going through. It's something anyone who wants to live and experience life to the fullest and learn from that experience goes through. We struggle with our feelings. We struggle to become stronger and learn more about ourselves and how to find happiness. It certainly isn't the easy road, but the alternative is to stay where you are and hide from your feelings and yourself.

Do some self-help reading, visit a therapist, take up yoga, study philosophy or theology, explore your feelings figure out where they are coming from and how you can make them something positive, do whatever works for you and keeps you focused on moving forward and being happy NOW.

You'll get over him. You're too smart not to. You're just in a dip and focusing on the past right now. It's not even really about him it's about how good you felt at that time and wanting to feel that way again and being afraid that you wont. I can promise you that the only way that will be the best it ever gets is if you allow yourself to stay in that dip. And like I said you're way to smart to let that happen. You'll keep chugging forward 3 steps forward, 2 back, 3 forward, 2 back. It's slow progress but it'll improve over time and eventually he'll be nothing more then a happy memory.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:09pm

My heart is with you, nothernsummerstar, i just went through a very simular experiance with an ex. It just happened, so the time span of being hurt is a lot less, but the feeling is there and i know how you feel.

Firstly, to explain my experiance, I had the same thing. I had previous boyfriends, where there was a lot of pain and problems, and then I met George. We met, and we clicked so well. I felt like it was meant to happen, like a fairy tale. We went really fast two, we dated int he month of August, and he had reassured me that he had never experianced something as great as what we had. We were so passionate, loving, together. It was like a dream to me. We went really fast, and i'd never done that before, but it felt right. Then out of no where, he breaks up with me. A bit different here, George had been tied down for some time before me, and had just recently broken up with her. ACtually, less than a month before we happened. So, i can see why he was scared. He just wanted to be free. But what we experiances was more than I'd ever had with anyone, so it was hard. And i know it's hard for you.

My advice for you is this. You have experianced this longing pain for some time, and if it is indeed two years and you still feel as hurt as you did, you may want to look into getting some professional advice. Sometimes things are too great for us to handle on our owns, ahve you thuoght about this? It sounds like you may have some issues underneath from previous relationsihps that may be hiding underneath the surface that you dont recognize, but that may be feeding this pain. From what you said, you experianced a few major devestating things, like the abuse that you spoke of. You may not be over that yet, as much as you think you are.

Also, this guy sounds like he is either hiding his feelings and going with whatever he thinks he's supposed to do, or sadly he is over it and has gotten to the point where he's not trying to think about it. Have you ever really talked to him abuot it? You need a lot of resolution to finish this, and you haven't gotten that. It's only fair that you and him talk and you can get some peace abuot why things ended in the first place. If he's not willing to give you that, he's not worth it anyway. I know it's hard to hear or think about, and i know that sometimes we dont want to get resolution because that means giving up hope of it happening, but still you need resolution because you ened to get on with your life. I hope the best for you, and I know how you feel more than you think. Hang in there, and good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:13pm
oh and i also meant to say, you can't hold this against yourself. I know it's hard ont to think that you were the fault of everything, but you arent. He obviously has issues with himself, and he's the one who is mostly at fault here. Do not blame yourself, yuo are better than this. It is not you, and you can't beat yourself up over it. It is not true that that girl is better than you, catch yourself saying that and throw those thoughts ou the window.