Want him to let me in

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Want him to let me in
5
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 2:35pm

Hi All

Long story short : I had been dating a guy for a short while who went back to his ex-girlfriend for the kids sake. Now 2 months later the relationship has completely broken down. He is of course very angry and hurting. We have stayed friends through all this. His ex has even gone back to a guy she had been seeing before.
My question is how do I let him know that I want to be with him without scaring him away or making him feel uncomfortable ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 8:11am

Well, the first thing to remember is the right guy for you is going to be pretty tough to run off and telling him you like him DEFINITELY wont do it.

If he ISN'T the right guy for you confessing how you feel may make him uncomfortable but don't let that stop you after all it's not as though YOU wont be feeling your own fair share of discomfort.

The one thing I would advise against is NOT telling him. The LAST thing you want to do to yourself is put yourself in the position of pretending to be a good friend when you really want more. It just sets you up to lead yourself on and casue yourself much more pain and discomfort then you deserve. I know it's scary telling someone how you feel when you aren't sure of how they will respond, but there's only one way to find out and as scary as it is you owe it to yourself to find out so you can move forward either with or without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 2:07pm

Hi
Thanks for your insight. I am a little hesitant to tell him right now how I feel about him. I almost think that he does know how I feel.

Also I think that he has some feeling for me, if not why does he call me every night to chat.....it is just a very confusing situation.

I think maybe I will wait a little bit longer and see how things pan out. Perhaps he is a little vulnerable at the moment and I don't want to scare him away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 2:23pm

If he is vulnerable and that's all that you think is holding him back from asking you out all the more reason to tell him how you feel.

Also cardinal rule of dating: NEVER use only a man's actions or only his words to determin how he feels. For that matter if it's at ALL possible don't try to "figure out" how aman feels talk to him about it.

Just because he's in touch with every night doesn't mean aanything, zero, zilch, nada. He could just be lonely and yours is a convenient ear to bend.

Unless you feel like soneding the next several day/weeks/years trying to "figure out" how he feels just talk to him. You don't have to make a big deal out of it or have "the talk". Just one day when you feel less like throwing up at the thought of it then you do right now just say, "You know I really enjoy spending time with you. Do you think you'd ever consider us dating?"

No muss, no fuss, question answered, end of tormenting yourself with the myriad possibilities of his range of feeling for you. Take it from someone who has been through it many times over. Finding the guts to just state how you feel and ask the question will save you so much time and anxiety in the long run.

The worst thing he can possible say will be, "No. I really just see us as friends." At least then you have an answer and can move forward with that knowledge and stop guessing. And in know it may feel like it, but really truly I promise rejection doesn't kill you. It sucks and it's a blow to the ego, but if you can't handle a little rejection stop looking for love now because there's a lot tougher stuff ahead then a litlte rejection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 4:04pm

<< I almost think that he does know how I feel.>>
Alomost or definitely?

Sounds like he's got some straightening out to do with his life. If he's a good guy, he'll do that and then let you know that he's interested. Being the shoulder to cry on and the buddy to come back to is just fine if it's what makes you feel good. But judging from your comments, you don't feel just fine about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 7:13pm
I know this may sound bad but do you really want to be with a guy who will so easily go back to his ex? What happens next time when she decided she wants him back? There are som many great guys out there...hold out for one of them