what is real love
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| Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:38pm |
i was just wondering how everyone thinks real love should feel. i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have a son together....we are planning to get married soon and i feel like im just not sure about if this is right. i guess i am the type of girl who thinks that love should be like the fairy tale and that if you are with the right person you will always have the loving feelings but, i dont. i dont know if i am supposed to feel the warm tinglies when i think about him or if when youve been with someone long enough if it is just that you know without having to "feel" it that you know you love the person.
also do you think that lack of sexual arousal for your spouse also comes with being together for years or if there is always a sexual spark between truly in love partners. my boyfriend loves sex and i used to love to have sex with him but now i couldn't be bothered with it.it is few and far between where i want it myself and persue it.

bajanphoenix...
Pianoguy REALLY liked your question. Hopefully, he can help you with an answer?
I think REAL LOVE begins with "REAL LIKE!" In other words...a couple not only LOVES each other, but also LIKES each other.......especially during the stressful times (when there's not enough money in the bank account, after a horrible argument, when one partner has promised something and DIDN'T, etc.).
In other words...having the ability to accept and CONTINUE TO LOVE a person in spite of all the FLAWS! It's the "good qualities" that originally got our attention and attracted us to you, but it's the ability to ACCEPT THE WEAKPOINTS that keep ANY relationship from going sour. . There are certain traits that a partner has that ANNOY the heck out of us. But being able "to live with them" and continue to LOVE your partner is the real challenge!
As for the 'lack of sexual arousal'----there are only so many positions and ways to do stimulate another human being. So if you've "tried 'em all several times" over the course of 3 years---some of the excitement has probably disappeared. This DOESN'T mean a lack of desire for someone has to be permanent.
What often kills SEX....are the excuses each partner comes up with to AVOID HAVING IT!
Hope this helps....a little?
Pianoguy
when me and my man first hooked up i was completely into sex...actually i think i was more into him than into sex i just liked being with him. i think my sexdrive has gone down now that i have a son considering (sorry for the details)when i had him i tore and ever since then the one particular spot has been overly sensitive and not a good overly sensitive.
now pianoguy i still have to ask...what is it supposed to feel like. we have been through tons together and i am still here, mind you sometimes i wonder why but i feel like i cant leave and not because im trapped or anything its just that i want for ust to work for many different reasons but on the other hand the stuff that annoys the hell outta me has driven me so far as to wish maybe there was someone else out there for me who was "better" and more in tune with me and what i need. i mean ihave accepted lots about him and i mean lots.... idont think there isn't anything that i havent accepted but even after all that is it wrong to wonder if the grass is greener. and if i am wondering if the grass is greener then wouldn't that mean that im not really in love. i guess what the whole post was about was how do i know that i am still in the right relationship if i wish i was somewhere else. like is it normal to have a year and a half to 2 year "love lull"? when it comes down to it i know that i "love" him but i dont know if its the kind of love that makes a marriage last for 50 years. there are people even on ivillage that say they are 50 adn 60 and still have butterflies in their stomachs for their S.O. and they've been together for 25 years....like how does that happen?
I don't really know how to describe love, except to say that I've been with my DH for 13 years and *still* get warm tingly feelings when I think of him.
>>also do you think that lack of sexual arousal for your spouse also comes with being together for years or if there is always a sexual spark between truly in love partners.<<
To be honest, three years together isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. In my 13 year relationship: Yes, it does die down a little with time, but it's never gone. Sometimes it hides away, but is usually fairly easy to recover. I would suggest that your lost libido is a symptom of greater issues within the relationship.
I agree with a great deal of the advice you've been given here. The only thing I'll add is my own experience.
I've been in three good serious relationship in my life. I was with my high school sweetheart for almost seven years, I had another serious boyfriend for about three years when I was around 25-28, and my fiance who I've been with since Feb 2004. I'm now almost 34.
I loved all three of these men very much. I would have to say I think I love my fiance the "most" but logically I know that is probably just becasue I'm in love with him now.
In all my relationships my sex drive has diminshed over time. There are so many factors that enter into a person's sex drive there are countless books on the subject, but two psychological factors I think mostly commonly cause lowered sex drive are having kids and priortizing them over your own needs, including your sexual needs, and familiarity. It's so easy when you know your partner will be there to have sex with tomorrow to say, "Not tonight, I'm tired." or some other reason. It's something completely different from dating when we aren't even sure if he'll call tomorrow let alone be there to have sex with.
In short if you want to improve your sex drive one of the eassiest ways to do so is have more sex. The more sex you have the more you want it becasue it's a GREAT stress reliever and releases all kinds of wonderful feel good chemicals. On a practical note if you're experiencing physical discomfort there are numbing products men use to last longer you could try or a lubricant might help.
As for your question about love... That one is a lot harder because love is going to be a little different for everyone. With my high school sweetheart we simply grew apart we cared for and loved each other but we were together from 17-24, people change so much during those years and we just were too different to stay together by the end. I still loved him and cared for him and it hurt me a lot to end things with him but I had too. I knew marrying him wasn't right for me. I asked myself a lot of the questions you are asking. Am I being unrealistic? Is friendship really what marriage is about?
I know at 24 I decided I needed to find out more. I started to realize I felt I was settling and being held back and I knew that wasn't right for me or fair to him.
My second bf I loved very much and he loved me very much even after we broke up it always made me smile when he would call me. My heart didn't neccessarily skip a beat and I didn't get butterflies in my stomach. It wasn't a fairy tale. But it was real and it was good. Ultimately he realized I wasn't the girl for him. He knew he eventually wanted marriage but he just couldn't see him self married when I was ready. About a year and a half after we split up he was married. You see sometimes the reason marriage doesn't seem right to us is because we aren't with the right person to marry. And that's how it was for him. He couldn't see himself married because he couldn't see himself married to me even though he loved me very much. I knew after a year with him it would probably end this way, I just choose to stay and hope I was wrong. I don't regret staying.
My fiance. God, do I love him. Like the previous guy I smile almost everytime he calls. We've lived together over a year. We are compatible to a degree I wasn't sure was possible. In the past I always had doubts and fears about the relationship. With him I don't have doubts or fears about us. I know we can make it through pretty much anything. Times may be hard and we may fight but I know we'll make it. Part of this is because of how I have changed since those other relationships. Part of it is becasue of who he is. Without the growth and persective I've gained since I was 17 I wouldn't be able to be secure enough to let go of my fears and my doubts and trust myself enough to have faith in and love a person this much. Without the growth and perspective he has gained in his 32 years he wouldn't be the man I love.
So in an attempt to answer your question... love is not a fairy tale but it can last and even after a year or three years or ten years or forty years you can still look at each other and be overwhelmed by just how much you love each other. I know it still overwhelms me. And to still be overwhelmed after you've seen someone with the stomach flu and he's seen you after having your tonsils removed and sinus surgey is doing pretty darn good in my book.
You do have to have the experience though to embrace and feel love when it is shown in ways you don't expect. If I expected flowers and poetry and romance and that's what I needed to feel loved. This relationship would never work. He isn't a flowers and poetry and romance kind of guy. He shows me he loves me buy getting my oil changed, cleaning and waxing my car, throwing my towel over the shower door when I forget so I don't have to drip and be cold reaching for it...
I still feel loved and cherished and adored because I have learned to notice the things he does to show his love rather then expecting him to show me "my way". He's learned to accept that I show him that I love, adore, and cherish him becasue I bake cookies, I restock the fridge with his favorite soda, I think to check if he's out of deoderant before I go to Target, and I buy him chrome parts for his car on special occassions...
That's how we keep that feeling. By never forgetting to show each other we care and always accepting the loving gestures that come naturally to each other rather then demanding what we want. By never taking each other for granted. By never assuming there will always be tomorrow to say I love you or to have sex, whether that sex is gentle love-making or crazy and animalistic.
Maybe this guy isn't the right man for you. Maybe one or both of you aren't ready. Maybe you both just need to remember what you love about each other and keep in mind that tomorrow isn't a guarantee.
Sorry, the answer isn't more clear cut, but they never are when it comes to love.
Hello again, bajanphoenix!
"WHAT IS IT SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE?" PG is assuming you mean the relationship, correct?
It's only one man's opinion (based on what you've written already), but I sense that you're HOPING the man you've been with for such a long time will eventually transform himself from crazy MR. HYDE...back into a more civilized, DR. JEKYLL? At least, your ability to "hold on for one more day" (quoting the Wilson Phillips tune) indicates this.
Let me ask you something.
If this man was completely out of your life TOMORROW...would you be happier or miserable? Your response is a good indicator of the amount of love you still (or don't) have for him.
Have you ever found yourself looking at another man and asking: "What if I were FREE to pursue him?" If this question has popped into your head more than a few times...then you might want to look into the possibility of making a change?
However...if your current b/f provides the security (despite his bad attitude) that you feel wouldn't be present IF YOU WERE "ON YOUR OWN"---then your fate (in life) is probably to remain with him?
Pianoguy