We all have a story here is mine........
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| Fri, 12-23-2005 - 12:07am |
I met my true love about 4 years ago it was actually a blind date right away we connected we both had the same values, morals felt the same way about life Ive been married before and never felt this way about my x-husband. I felt like I could grow old with this person and never ever run out of things to talk about.
Well it ended as quickly as it began, after being in a marriage that ended badly I had my doubts about this being true love, it didn't help that my father didn't approve of him, (at the time I was living with my parents) so I broke it off doubting that this could be "LOVE" so years went by and I compared every date every guy I met to him and no one compared, not one day would go by that I wouldn't wonder what he was doing, was he happy, was he okay.
He drives an overnight delivery truck I saw him on the road one day and decided to call him that year to wish him a happy birthday (any old excuse) so left him a message he called back to thank me and we started dating again or so it seemed well it was more like getting together for drinks so he let me down easy once he knew what my intentions were to basically pick up where we left off. He said that I he wasn't the one for me that I should move on. After considering what he had to say and endless night of crying I decided to try dating again, and just as I was trying to give someone else a chance he called and wanted to get together, so still being madly in Love with him I dropped the person I was seeing and went out with him and right away knew he had no intention of making it work that he still was unsure of what it was he wanted. So a year has gone by off and on seeing him, him still not knowing what it is he wants.
I don't know if I have a problem, or maybe I already have the answer, I believe a lot in faith and faith is telling me its not meant to be. Ive been seeing other people besides him since I realized its not heading anywhere I believe I have no time to waste. But its like im intentionally sabotaging all my dates from turning into an actual relationship.

I think the two of you are making the same mistake that I see many other people make. You look at commitment as an all or nothing thing. You seem to either think this needs to be either the one true love of your life or that you shouldn't be dating each other at all. But there are actually levels of commitment that most relationships usually go throgh. I kind of like the way the relationship expert Barbara DeAngelis breaks it down into four level. The first commitment most people make is when they agree that they should each other exclusively. The second level of commitment is one which most people never even think about and where they get confused, but it's what she refers to as an agreement to work towards a partnership. This is really the point at which you would both be saying, "I think this person may be the one, but it's really too soon to know yet." At this point, you should be making the relationship a priority in your life and working on the problems in your relationship to see if this really is right for the long haul. The third level of commitment is usually what occurs when you get engaged. And the fourth and final level of commitment is what should come along with the marriage ceremony.
Too many people don't like to live with the ambiguity that comes along with the second stage of commitment and try to force a decision one way or the other, and that is where you get into trouble. I can tell you that the first year I was dating my boyfriend, on the one hand I had a sense that we were really meant for each other, but on the other hand I still secretly had some doubts if I truly had the right type of love for him. I used to have this scary picture in my mind that we would get married and then fifteen years down the line some day, we would have a big fight, and I'd have to admit that I wasn't sure if I had ever really loved him like that, and we'd have to get divorced. But as time went on, those doubts disappeared, and it became more clear that it was the real thing. I've also known plenty of stories of people who had the opposite experience. When things were still new, they focused on how wonderful and right things felt and believed the person was the one. But then as time went on, they started feeling more and more doubts and realized they'd been wrong.
There are probably exceptions to the rule, but I think it usually takes somewhere between nine months and four years to reach that people where you really know whether or not the person is right for you, or you just think you know. You just have to trust that you'll know on an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level if it's right or not when the time is right. Too many people either rush the decision too soon, or they put off making it because they don't want to confront what their gut is really telling them, and then they still make a decision based on something besides what their gut is saying.
My first thought in reading your post is that your guy can't even remain committed to the first level of commitment, being exclusive. It's like he's saying that you're not even important enough for him to be able to offer you the security of knowing that he won't break up with you and be in another girl's arms another night. Without having that type of stability, then your relationship won't be able to grow. You need to figure out for yourself what feels and seems right for your situation, but I tend to think that if after a year of trying to date him he is still doing this, then he is just wasting your time.
I think you do know the answers to
Start
You do realize this "immediate click" - simply means that you'r einsecure, incomplete, undefined, and lacking in self-esteem.
That's why "finding your other half" happens so fast...in these types of situations.
You're so needy -anything will fill some of the void.
You work on you - you can't change him.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com