Is he being honest with me???????
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| Sun, 01-01-2006 - 5:14pm |
Happy New Year to all!! Here I am again with my first problem of the new year! LOL
Any of you that have read my post know that I have been dating a guy but not exclusively for the past 5 months off and on. Well we talked before the holidays and he informed me that yes, I was the only one he was seeing now and sleeping with. I was so very happy!! But now the part you all warned me off has come to surface---- How do I trust him ???How do I know he was honest with me or that he wont end up back with her and hurting me again???
We spent from 8am yesterday till about 12PM with each other. We had a wonderful morning together. He said he too was staying in for New Years eve with his kids, and that he'd call me. Well I never heard from him, so I called this morning around 1130 and left him a voicemail, wishing him well and asked that he call me back. Well Its 430 now and I still havent spoke to him.
I dont know if its just me being insecure and making to big a deal out of things, but its a holiday, and when you care about someone, you call and say Happy New Year! Maybe hes just busy with his kids, I dont know. But a part of me starts thinking the worst, like here we go, he lied to me! I dont want to feel this way and I dont know what to do.
I decided that I wont call him again. That much I know, no matter how hard that is. He owes me the return call now! Only problem is I cant enjoy my day, because tears start to build up in my eyes. Its not like him to turn me off all day like this. Anybody have any ideas?? And do I say anything when I do hear from him? Or do I leave it alone for fear of pushing him too far and too fast?

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Hi there, I just saw this post. Did he call? How did things turn out? I'll wait to hear before I say anything more...
Sheri
Thanks to both of you for asking how things went!! Yes he did call on New Years day about 6 PM, he said he was sorry he just took the kids home, and that he just spent a quiet day with them relaxing. He asked how my New Years Eve was, then said he did the same as me spent it with the kids.
He called the next morning about 7 AM from work, was his usual sweet self, and sort of retold me about his holiday, as if he was trying to make me feel better about things. He knows I still have issues with things, and am sensitive still about trust.
Sometimes I think what scares me the most is getting my heart broken again! I never meant to care this much for anybody just yet. It just happened. We just seem like this perfect fit. We have so much in common, we are comfortable with each other, we have had one argument in the 5 months that we have known each other. I know your not supposed to compare to your ex husband, but if I do, hes all the things I wasnt getting from my ex! Even in bed, hes very giving, and is more concerned that I am satisfied than himself. My life for so long wasnt like that.
Id say the hardest part about our relationship is the fact that hes not a talker when it comes to love and feelings, and I am. He told me once he doesnt do love anymore. I think hes just as scared as me, and hes been divorced for 4 years!! I think this because, he tends to back away for no reason at all, and then just when I think things are in trouble, hes right back there, giving me 100% attention.
Maybe I just need time and he needs time too. So I try to take it slow with him for both of our sakes. My sister told me to look for things with him like if he talks into the future. And YES that he does.
We had talked about getting together tonight, but he has to take his sons. So he said he was really sorry, and that hes gonna drive up friday when hes off (which is a 45 min ride for him) and meet me for lunch at my job if I would like. See this is one of those things he does that makes me feel good and secure.
One last thing, is it normal to be with a guy casually and then exclusive and not have met his kids yet after 5 months?? Im not sure, but from conversation, I get the feeling hes a bit concerned about my divorce not being final yet. I think if I dated someone who didnt have a divorce finalized yet, I would be a bit gun shy too!
It could be that...why don't you ask him? You've been together long enough that you should be able to talk to him about stuff like that. But I wouldn't suggest the answer...I'd just ask him (otherwise he could use the divorce not being final as an excuse when it's not really the reason).
I would be concerned about his statement that he doesn't "do" love anymore. He sounds like a member of what I call the "walking wounded"...guys who are just too emotionally unhealthy to have a committed LTR, so they fall into comfortable "sex and companionship" relationships like yours until the woman gets fed up with his inability to commit to more, then they move on to the next woman.
Future statements don't mean anything if he doesn't have the intent to commit at some point if he determines that the two of you are right for each other. Many men will stay in comfortable sex and companionship relationships for years if the woman is willing.
Edited to add: if you are ok with that type of relationship, then disregard my post ;-). But I get the sense you would like more of a commitment at some point.
Sheri
Edited 1/5/2006 11:23 am ET by northwestwanderer
Thanks Sherri!
And yes you are are right, I do want something more someday. Maybe not today, tomorrow or in the near future, but someday I do. And at this point I want it to be with him. But its this question about committment that bothers me the most. Im scared, scared Im falling in love with someone who will never love me back the way I love him.
Ive decided that the next time I see him which may be tomorrow, that some conversation has to be started. I cant spend my days, wondering, how he feels, if he will call or overly call or will it be a no contact day and if it is then why? I know alot of that is my own insecurities, but at the same time as I try to deal with that, I cant stress myself like this. He left me once for a month to go back to his old girlfriend. Shes been out of the picture now for a few months, so he tells me, yet lately I wonder if the off and on distancing means shes calling again, and hes thinking. IF thats the case then I know what I have to do this time, no matter how much it hurts. I have to walk away and go on with my life. It will hurt so much, but just maybe its better to hurt for awhile, then to wonder and hurt on a routine basis.
So there you have it. Tomorrow i will hopefully see him, get some of these feelings out on the table and then Ill know where to go. Its funny I would get scared lately to have this talk with him, but right now I look forward to it, and I welcome it, and I feel strong. I need to do this for me.
Good for you...I'm of the opinion that it's always better to know than to be left in the dark, even if the outcome isn't what you want to hear.
My only suggestion is to focus first on what he wants in a relationship, in general. If he says he's looking for something serious and long-term, then talk to him about a, if he feels he really has the emotional health to do that (I'd even specifically reference his previous "done with love" comment), and b, if he sees you as a possible partner in such a relationship at this point (i.e., has he ruled you out or not). At some point, you may get an answer that indicates you're not on the same page, in which case there's no point in discussing things further.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
Sheri
Edited 1/5/2006 1:00 pm ET by northwestwanderer
Sheri,
Thanks for the advice and the encouragement!! Now if I can only keep myself in this state of mind until the time comes. And I know I have to do when he first arrives or shortly thereafter. Ive told myself before this to ask him questions and that Im gonna do it, and then we kiss and kiss and end up making love, and then my stupid heart tells my head..... let it go for now, dont ruin the moment!!!
Then the next day or the day after, I put myself through the same thing, and say I wish I would have brought it up and next time I will!! LOL
But like I said earlier, today I feel different. Maybe Ive just reached the point where I know what I have to do, and that Ive had enough of the wondering. Because this is the first time I dont feel nervous about asking him these things. Like I said Im actually looking forward to the conversation.
<< Shes been out of the picture now for a few months, so he tells me, yet lately I wonder if the off and on distancing means shes calling again, and hes thinking. >>
First of all, I agree with Sheri on having that conversation in terms of what he wants in his future, in general terms, etc. However, keep in mind that talk can be cheap. He could tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear. And here's why I saw this, relating to the paragraph quoted from above.
You started this relationship knowing that he still had someone else in his life. Basically, he had a GF, whom as far as you know, is now out of the picture and it's just the two of you.
Here's where I would personally have a problem with this situation. Keep in mind, I'm not saying this to discourage you; rather, perhaps induce a dose of reality into the mix ... which can be difficult when you're awash with feelings.
When you started dating him, you knew he had a girlfriend. If I recall the situation, on the other hand, she did NOT know about you.
So, if I were you, I'd be wondering "could he still be seeing her and has told me that I'm now the only one ... because he didn't want to lose either one of us?"
The reality is, he was seeing you behind her back. Yes, that would make it HARD to trust him. If he's capable of lying to her about you, he's capable of lying to you about her. It's that simple. And, yes ... that's an ugly reality. But, you already know that he's capable of living a double life since he was still with her when he started seeing you (and for several month, if I recall?)
Ok, so ... I know that's probably not an easy thing to swallow. But, given how the relationship started, you're right to have doubts.
That said, I think the "what do you want in your future?" talk is a moot point. For now, at least. Priority #1 is finding out, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he's no longer seeing the other girl. Of course, you could ask him, point blank ... but, he'd probably deny it if he still was. Sad but true.
So, how to find that out without snooping, invading his privacy or lowering your standards is a tricky one. Trust your instincts, look for the signs.
When he tells you where he is, does he tell you who he's with? (other than when he's with his kids).
Do you know his friends well enough to be able to verify certain whereabouts? (not in a confrontational "where you with Joe on Monday? way ... or whatever his name is) ... but, let's say BF (I'll call him Joe) says "I went to Dave's to watch the football game on Monday" ... next time you see Dave (hypothetical friend), you could say "sounds like you and Joe had a good time watching the game!" ... if Dave gives a confused look and says "uh, yah" ... RED FLAG! Dave's not going to out his buddy. Guys stick together like glue and he'd protect his secret way before revealing anything to you. So, you have trust your instincts on the signs.
Since you mentioned that you haven't met his kids yet, that leads me to the question of: how well do you know his friends? If, at 5 months, you don't know his friends all that well or he isn't bringing you around them, that too would be a red flag sign, in my mind.
Again, not saying this to alarm you ... but, I'd have a trust problem with a relationship that started this way, too.
So, how did the talk go?
I hope it went ok but from the fact you haven't posted an update I'm worried that it didn't...
Sheri
I didnt get the opportunity, or shall I say, I got cold feet!! Im sorry, this dating thing is not so new to me as this relationship thing is!!
Let me first explain that when I saw him on Friday, I found out that he has been a bit distant the last few days, because his 14 year old son is having health issues. He has been having headaches since he got sick on Christmas, and though he was treated for a sinus infection the headaches are still daily. So he had to take his son on Monday for a CAT scan. He was very upset and worried, as any parent would be. I just didnt feel like it was the right night to get into a relationship talk.
Well good news is the CAT scan was negative, and I saw him today. He came and took me to lunch at work. But with only a hour, I decided to wait till Thursday night, when we have the entire evening together, and maybe the entire night. So I hope waiting till this passed was the right thing. I think it was.
But I plan to just blurt it out and say .... Am I the only woman in your life?
If he tells me yes thats great, if he tells me no, then I have prepared myself to move on with my life. I need to, because the feelings that I have are obviously not returned, and that is nothing but heartache for me.
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