HELP! My Fiance broke up w/ me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2006
HELP! My Fiance broke up w/ me!
2
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 5:24pm

Hey All!

I need some relationship advice! Soon...I need to know what he really means and if it's really over for good!!

The Story: ((BEWARE ITS LONG))
Ry and I have dated for 3 years and have been engaged for 4 months. We were young when we met, Me 19, Ryan 21, but Oh my god were we in love! We had everything, the connetion, the friendship, and the comfort. We trully became best friends. I met Ry through my best friend, I had a boyfriend at the time. There was always something about Ry that I saw. We were friends at first, He never tried ANYTHING on me. We used to go camping in a group and we would be the last 2 people up. For the first time Ry told me in his life he wanted to really get to know me and not my ass <--LOL. The friendship turned into something one night when my friend and I went with Ry and his friend to a club. Ry and I started dancing together, something about us being together was magical, that night we took a taxi back and the whole way home we held hands and hugged tighter then I hugged anyone before, when we dropped him off he got out and I pulled him back in for a 10 second hug. Something magical happened that night. The next day we had a super bowl party and Ry came, Him and I didnt talk all day. We both had all these weird feelings from the night before that were so intense we both had nothing to say. That day we kept walking by eachothe and smiling, and he would sit by me and kinda tap me, but no more than 5 words were said all day. It was a interesting day. 1 Week later I broke up with my ex, I knew there was something special about Ry, after I broke up my ex, Ry acted like Mr. Tough guy to his friends and was like, oh my gosh i cant believe she did that i hope she doesnt expect a relationship. WELL...we started dating and things got serious really fast, too intense I think for both of us, Ry ended it after 3 weeks and wanted nothing to do with me, he told me I got to attached, Well WHATEVER! For 2 weeks we didnt talk, he acted like he was Mr. hard guy, until we started TALKING again, what started as a simple hanging out turned into a 3 year relationship. Everytime we were back together the sparks always came back. 3 Months into the relationship, came the first i love you. When he said it his heart and mine both got butterflies, it was so intense, I couldnt even explain in. 3 monts into the relationship, I started seeing him 3 nights a week, then it turned into 4, then 5, then he wanted me to move in 3 months later. I found a job and everything was great. What I didnt know was I had something called "Fear Of Abandoment" & Depression. I get REALLY REALLY attached. Simple fits when he went somewhere with out me were tolorated by Ry becuz he loved me so much. Thats when are relationship turned unheathy, our fights were always about him leaving me, I would get upset and depressed and want to talk to him right away and he got mad, and wanted it to end, but we always made up becuz we knew the love we had, we loved eachother so much, Plus I always got so upset on the fear of losing him that I always begged for him back. We moved into our own place, got a puppy, and had our little family. He purposed on July 22nd. He completly gave up everything for me, going to bars without me was never happened. He started to spend alot of time with me and I became almost obsessed. He used to tell me, Yeah babe we arnt fighting becuz I'm not going out, sure enough he was right. The first time he went to dinner with a friend, I flipped. "it's staurday, you should be eating with me" He started to tell me that If I make him feel trapped I will push him away. So thats what i slowly did, I got mad at everything. Even if I was cool about him going out he was always scared to come home becuz he might of been an hour late and he knew I would flip. He started to lie about where he was going just to avoid a freak out from me. 2 weeks ago after a big fight Ry came home from work and ended the relationship. He said he was not IN LOVE with me anymore but only loved me as a friend. 1 wek pror he stayed home form work to take care of me when i was sick, we still had magical kisses, and cuddled every night before bed, we both were still having those feelings of being in love and 1 week later, BAM I am not in love with you??? Ry told me my parents had to come pick me up. I was on the ground crying, seriously in almost suicide mode, it scared the hell out of him. He didnt want to see or talk to me...The first 2 days I wasnt on medication, I would show up at our house a try to talk to him and he said, please leave I cant see you. I would cry and beg, WHY!! He would hint, this is what I mean, you cant seem to live without me. He told me there was a chance, but he is convinced I would never change. I started to not call him and started taking medication for depression, I started to become stronger with my emotions, I researched my condition and everything seems so clear now. But Now what do I do?? I'm afraid I lost him for good. He tells all his friends "It's over for good" but does all these little signs that show he is still in love like:
*Just asking me to come get my cloths and not the rest of my stuff
*Not giving me back my extra car keys, me not giving him the house keys
*He got mad when he found out I stayed in a hotel room, and my friend brought a guy back for her. He told me there was not chance but after I explained it to him he said there was one?
*Saying I needed to cal before I came over so he could not be threre to see me, BUT he saw my car in the front and he stil got home from work and got out (He could of drove by when he saw my truck) he said "Oh I thought you were, your sister?" my sister is NEVER at my house.
>> Its like he is still trying to somewhat hold on, in hopes I will change without telling anyone about that. But I feel I know him and how his mind works.
I asked him for a time frame? When will we get back together and he says there is no time frame for love, he wants me to find myself and becomestrong and if it was meant to be it will happen. No Promise? WHAT IS GOING ON IN HIS HEAD!!! I feel like he is giving me all these signs but he is telling all his friends ( I find out through them! , they like me) that It's Over for Good, and my pictures wernt taken down becuz he was too "lazy", I told one of his friends that the pics were up for 1 1/2 weeks, of course his friend tolf him and Ry made a excuse? Is it just a defeanse from looking like a pansy becuz 2 days later the pics were down. BUT All my stuff is still in the house, He hasnt even called me to come get it. What can I do now? What does this all mean? I feel like I need a guys point of view. What is the best way to get my love back, and show him I can be a strong person for myself but also for him? Should I not call? My problem is, is that through this 2 weeks I keep showing him that i still love him and I will wait for him and shoe HIM i will change. I feel like he trully wants me to change for myself and so he will know that I can bbe independent one day in our relationship. I'm just lost for words and confused can someone help! Does he stil love me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 10:42pm
It appears to me that you really need to do some work on yourself before you try to get back with him or start any relationship with any guy period. Clinging to someone so tightly will only push them away. It sounds like you might have some codependency issues which usually stems from self-esteem issues or fear of abandonment. I've been learning to deal with my codependency by going to meetings and just really looking within and helping myself for the last 6 months and I notice a world of a difference now. In a r'ship each person should be allowed to be an individual and do their own thing with others without getting grief from the other person unless it gets out of hand and someone is going out all the time and the other person has a right to feel neglected. In that case if it's happening too often, if the other person is going out drinking until late, going out all the time etc etc and its not healthy for the r'ship then you should talk about your concerns to see if you can come up with a compromise. Good luck with this. Maybe you should just remain single for a little while, work on yourself, become more independent and then later on see if you guys can get back together and tell him about the work that you are going to do. If it's meant to be he'll think it's great that you are taking this break/time to work on yourself and then welcome you back when you've done some healing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 6:19pm
Wow...I see a lot of my old self in you. I was in a 5 1/2 year relationship. We were high school sweethearts and although we had our rocky moments, everyone thought we would one day be married including me. By the end of our first year together we were inseparable. Though we were still young and our parents wouldn't let us stay the night together, we still tried to squeeze in as much time as we could. Once we graduated and went to the same college, it continued to be more and more time together. We had friends, but always hung out with them together and never had independence. I started getting offended if he would try to do anything without me even though I knew he had every right to do it. I was afraid he would realize how much fun was out there and leave me. After moving in together things started going downhill fast. His job was very demanding and I rarely saw him. I became depressed and although I wanted the relationship to end, I loved him and didn't want to lose him. Marriage was always on our minds and even the week before he left me he was still telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me. Turns out he was just hoping those feelings would come back. Like I said, he left me, but said he might come back after spending time to think. I cried for days, called him all the time, and so on. When he finally told me he didn't want to be with me anymore I just stopped crying. I realized it was all about comfort and not actual love. Our biggest mistake was not spending enough time for ourselves and once you get in the habit of being together all of the time, it is hard to break it. I relied on a strong female figure (my brothers girlfriend) for support. With her help I learned to be more independent and keep busy until I got my life back on track. Now I am so happy I did not settle for that relationship that couldn't fulfill my dreams. Sorry to make you listen to my whole story, but the moral is....you are young and don't need him in your life. Take time to do things for yourself and establish some independence. Though it is tough, you will move on and look back at this to see that it was a growing experience.