No Sexual Attraction?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
No Sexual Attraction?
4
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 6:59am
Hi,I have a terrible problem I hope someone can help me with :( I met this guy ages ago in uni and it wasn't until I return home to my country where we became close friends. I didn't have much friends, and he has been the ONLY close friend I ever had, I was having a crisis (my bro commited suicide, etc..) and I constantly turned to him for companionship and support. The problem is, he is in love with me, and probably has been from the start, and is trying so hard to win my affection. I even told him, to give it time, lets be friends first etc.. He is perfect in everyway, but the only thing thats bugging me, is I'm not that sexually attracted to him! I know that sexual attraction isn't the MOST important thing in a relationship, but I feel it is for me now! Am I being too unreasonable? I keep kidding myself, and hope that it will work out, but I still don't feel any sparks. I admit, that its not easy to get this kind of guy anymore, he's really caring and affectionate, and I trust him but I feel sometimes like gently pulling away from him, and at other times, feel comfortable with him. Confused. The problem is we have been together for about 4 years, and he is getting serious about marriage. Everyone tells me he is perfect and ask me why I give him the cold shoulder sometimes. My friends & family have seen the way he treats me, and even say I might regret it (if I leave him). HELP! Its true, my other boyfriends were sexually attractive, but dumped me :( Now, I've found the sweetest guy in the world, but wondering if he can fulfill me sexually too. Are there men out there who are both? Its hard to find them, but should I leave this guy and look? What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 9:04am

penin...

First...Pianoguy is very sorry to hear about the early tragedies in your life. Losing a family member and living in a strange country can be very difficult.

But YOU CAN'T FAKE WHAT YOU DON'T FEEL!

If there's no passion between you and the man you've been with for 4 years...PLEASE TELL HIM NOW! It'll be awkward, uncomfortable, and his feelings will be HURT....but you can't act or respond based upon the advice of others. THEY'RE NOT LIVING YOUR LIFE...YOU ARE!!

One thing to remember (for any woman)....is NOT TO COMPARE PAST B/F's with the man you're currently seeing. There are reasons past acquaintances are no longer in your life that go BEYOND THE SEXUAL GRATIFICATION!

Pianoguy (who has a vision of an outstanding sex partner---who eventually became: "the girlfriend from hell!")

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 12:29pm

"Are there men out there who are both?"

Yes, because beauty (i.e. attraction) is in the eye of the beholder.

"What should I do?"

First and foremost, stop feeling guilty and/or shallow for not feeling physically attracted to him and allowing that to be a reason to not be with him. It's human nature, some things are found more attractive than others. There is no fault in that, it's not wrong.

Second, stop and really ask yourself WHY you aren't attracted to him. Be as shallow and superficial as you possibly can. Then answer the question on a deeper more meaningful level too. Do this because if he were TheOne for you, if he was truly everything for you with the exception of looks, his looks would start to *become* attractive to you. But that hasn't happened has it? That leads me to believe that the superficial reasons why not are rooted and growing from the deeper more meaningful reasons.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 7:06pm

You love him, but you're not in love with him, right?

I agree with pianoguy...it's best to let him go if you're not sexually attracted to him. It would make for one lonely marriage if you cringe at the thought of being intimate with him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 10:39pm

I agree with the other posts. Sometimes sexual attraction or physical is it for a person. For me it is different and I could past it. But, I have learned that doesn't work for everyone else. As with your family and friends you can reverse it and pose that question to them and see how they would take it.


I will tell that yes there is guys out there who have both and do not compromise what you want for what others say you should have. One thing may be good for them but not you and you do not want to go into a marriage knowing he is not doing because when you find someone your sexually attracted to you will feel guilty because you settled. Never settle for what is good for another but for you.

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