Please help me here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Please help me here.
22
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 4:17pm

I met this guy at a party less than a month ago. He asked me to attend his company's xmas party when we met 2nd time at another party (we both were some drunk). But I denied him since I already made the plan for that day. I've seen him total 5 times in the group before he asked me out alone. He never asked my phone number but I got his phone number from my friend to call him for asking him to go to our party. First time he called my very close girlfriend to go out eat with them (he told her he will call me later too and he called me later) but she had plan so I ended up to go eat with them. From that day, he called me sometimes and started to asking me to go to eat with him alone. We already went out 3 times alone, every time he treated me the dinner at the restaurant and went to his house to watch movies. But he never really said they were dates. He said he told his friend that he went out with me as a friend. (We both wanted to make it private) Nothing happened for the first 2 dates, but at the last date (3rd date, 2 days ago), We bought some snacks, wine, and we ended up with having sex!!!

I have feelings for him, and I want this to work out. But having sex at 3rd date is too quick?? I have never had sex with someone so quick! I was asking him what we are now, he didn't really state clearly, do you guys think he's just playing it for sex? How can I tell if he's serious with me? I don't want to become someone's sexual partner only! I think he knows I like him, but I do not want him to take advanage from it..What should I do? Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 5:40pm

"How can I tell if he's serious with me?"

Tell him that having sex so soon was moving too fast and you'd like to continue with a relationship but don't want to mess it up by continuing to move too fast. If he's "serious" with you, he won't go heading for sluttier pastures.(humor intended bluntness)

Then, don't let your lust disregard your common sense by risking making a baby with a guy you barely know.




Edited 1/13/2006 5:42 pm ET by angelicafox
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 2:19am
Thanks for your advise. I already slept over on our 4th date!!) I told him that I feel it's moved too fast. He said he can't help. But still he didn't clear that if we are still bf/gf..........So should I tell him to stop having sex with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 3:26pm
i think you should stop having sex with him. sex always tends to mix things up and cloud judgement. tell him you want to slow down and have a relationship for a while first, and his response to that will tell you if he is someone you should pursue.
N.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 4:12pm

I disagree with the suggestions that you should stop having sex. The way I see it, if you were to take this route, then he's likely to think that you're high maintenance and/or flaky and/or confusing and/or playing games. In which case, he'll dump you anyway.

I think that you've set the standard for your relationship and there's no going back. Instead of testing him or playing games, I suggest that you COMMUNICATE with him.

Tell him that you wouldn't normally do this and you're uncomfortable. ASK him how he views the relationship. Most guys are pretty honest and he'll probably tell you if he sees you as a FWB or a girlfriend. And because you've having sex, it's OK to ask him whether or not he's seeing you exclusively. Let's face it, once you're having sex with someone, your health is on the line. It's always OK to find out whether or not you're the only one.

Lastly, if this line of questioning freaks him out, then you'll know that he was never serious about you. You'll have your answer.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 12:48am

I greatly appreciated all of your suggestions! Now he went on vacation alone that he already planned it before we met. I told him if he wants to go on a trip with me in the near future, he told me that he will go some place else alone. And he likes to get away alone sometimes. I am thinking if he really is into me, he should take this chance to let us know each other better, right? And once I told him to go shopping with me after the dinner, he said it will not on him and he doesn't like shopping..............do you guys think they are the red flags???

I guess I will talk with him seriously after he gets back, and he has to tell me whether we are bf/gf......(some what I feel he doesnt' want to make it clear b/c he's afraid I will stopping having sex with him if he thinks we are not bf/gf..........) I kinda regret that I didn't hold it, it makes things now complicated!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:07am

I have read all the other posts and I figure if you really want a relationship then that needs to be said. If he does not give the answer you want then move on. I look at it this way if he doesn't give you a definitive answer then where are you in six months or even a year when he still not answering you. He either knows if he wants a relationship or he doesn't. I do not think sex is that big of an issue because women give it up all the time on date 1,2 3, 4 ,5 . Heck it is all about the wait so that is nothing. So he should be able to give you an answer on if he is looking for a relationship or not.


I was like you and then I got bold and took nothing outside of what I asked for. It ran some guys away and some great ones that I am friends with now. But, I am now with a great man that I asked the same question and responded accordingly. He is not the bringing of the end. Go for what you want because the true one will be just what you expect and then some.


Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:18am
Thanks again! I will ask him if we are in a serious relationship or not. I hope he will not just say yes because he wants to have sex........
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:42am

>>I will ask him if we are in a serious relationship or not. I hope he will not just say yes because he wants to have sex........<<

That's just being paranoid ;-) Most guys are honest about such things. Though if he's got a history as a 'player', that's a different story....

I would also reconsider the term "serious relationship". Simply ask him if he considers you to be boyfriend/girlfriend and whether or not he's being exclusive to you.

Lastly, I would not consider his vacation without you and not shopping with you to be red flags. Heaps of guys hate shopping and he's just being honest. The vacation? Well, you've not been together that long yet.

Stop thinking so much and just give it time.

(For the record, I slept with my DH on the day we met and we've now been together for 13 years! Not all guys are just in it for sex)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 12:59pm
Good suggestions indeed!! I will try to talk with him when he comes back. Thanks for your advise!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:04pm
Oh By the way, he just got out of his 12 years relationship.....his gf broke up with him 4 months ago and now she's with someone else. He told me he got over with her, but I still can see that he would feel sad when he metioned about her, and he told me he did cheat on her one time long time ago when he found out his gf cheated on him.....

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