commitment w/o a relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
commitment w/o a relationship?
5
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 6:54pm

Me and my boyfriend just broke up before Christmas and even though i was the one who did the breaking up, i realised i shouldn't have for i love him and miss him alot and i know he feels the same way about me too, the problem? He said he "can't" be with me right now because the distance is too much and now he will be away longer then what he expected. He's going to school in SLC right now and he was supposed to be there for 4 months about and now he has to be there for 10. Yesterday when i talked to him he said we have the feelings and the commitment it's just without the relationship and i said well what exactly are you committed to? You have to be committed to have commitment..and he said "i'm committed to being with you and i want no one else but you" But yet he says he can't have a relationship right now, he just can't? I told him nothing had changed between us, nothing at all, he agreed. We still talk everyday, still say i love you, still spend hours and hours chatting away and thats when he said its the label that causes the drama and heartache, that's why right now, we don't have that. I am so confused by everything he tells me, everyday it's like a new feeling or thought with him. I feel like his feelings have changed, he assures me they haven't. I feel like i'm waiting around for possibilities and he said only i know if this is worth waiting for, but that's the problem, i don't know what i'm waiting for. I feel like a doormat, like i'm sitting around waiting for him HOPING he will change his mind and he knows it, that's why he isn't worried. So last night i decided i wouldn't talk to him for 30 days because everytime i talk to him now, we just fight. We want different things, he wants to be friends and wait it out and i want to be together and work it out..I know one of the reasons we broke up was because we lived too far away from eachother but i feel like having someone you love is better then not having them at all.

What should i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 6:16am

You know, when I met my DH, he cancelled previously made plans to work in a different place because he saw a future with me. He did everything he could to make sure that our relationship had the very best chance....even though this meant him having to find a new, local job.

Had he moved away, I would have considered that he placed our relationship at a lower priority than his career. Honestly, if he's moved away from you, I would doubt that he's very serious about the relationship at all.

There will be plenty more great guys along soon - don't get hung up on someone who moves away from you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 6:51am
but he didnt move away, he already lived there...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 4:12pm

""i'm committed to being with you and i want no one else but you" But yet he says he can't have a relationship right now"

Hmm sounds like the first part was just empty words to soften the blow of the second part of what he said. He's decided that he doesn't want to be your BF, but he's not sure that he totally wants to give you the pink slip out of his life, so this way he can bide his time until someone better comes along or just in case noone better comes along.

Either way, it's insulting. You're absolutely correct, "committed" to what!? To the current feeling that he wants nobody but you? That's not committment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2006
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 3:32pm
i think someone who is really interested in a true relationship will sacrifice things in his life to have you in it--be those sacrifices time or money. if he really wants you then he'd do whatever it takes to be with you. hanging on and hoping that he will eventually come around or that one day the wait will be over is bad. i went through that with my ex, and it really just made me feel stupid and like i had wasted my time. i know it is hard, but you have to move on. one thing i realized after my break-up is that missing someone and still being in love with that person kind of feel the same, and you shouldn't try to go back because you miss him. try to stick with your decision of breaking up. the road to recovery is a tough one, but you can do it.
N.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 1:26am

I really like this quote:
In this life we get only those things for which we hunt, for which we strive, and for which we are willing to sacrifice.

---George Matthew Adams

If you and your bf love each other, I don't think it will be a problem. You two will work it out, either he moves or you move, or see each other as much as possible (means visit each other.....) I did see my friends went to some long distance relationship or even marriage, but one of them has to sacrifice to be together at the end ONLY if you love each other.