Need outside opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Need outside opinion
9
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 11:23pm

I'll have to start off by admitting that I might just be crazy... But I feel like I need a second opinion. I'll try to make it short.

I've have been seeing a wonderful man for about 2 and 1/2 months. We see each other twice a week, usually, and he definately seems to like me. We go for dinner, movies, etc, conversation is great, we have lots in common... all of that is good. He has met some of my friends, and they all like him and think he is into me. He even stuck around while I was semi-seriously ill just before Xmas.

Here's the problem. I've previously dated guys who tend to be quite intense from the get-go, among other things... I've made a concious decision to stay away from my usual type, but I only have certain experiences to go on. We've been going out for a while, and I still haven't met ANYONE he knows. I do know for certain that his friends know about me. Apparently they have a nickname, too. :} His parents are aware we're dating. But he still only makes plans at the last minute, and the friends thing is really bugging me. We slept together sooner than I usually would (too soon? I don't know) and I'm worrying that this is a fling to him. We did agree not to see other people before we did the deed, and I'm living in a new city so he could be assuming (rightly) that I'm pretty much guaranteed to be free many nights. Anyway, he's fantastic - I really like him and try to let him know (without being scary stalker girl), but I've finally reached a place where I know what I need in a relationship, and I need to feel some certainty about his feelings towards me. What do you guys think? I know you're probably going to tell me to talk to him... if you do, give me suggestions as to how I should bring it up... I'm awful at those talks. Thank you so much in advance. I hope I didn't rant too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 2:24am

My answer would depend a lot on how old you are.

If you're 30ish and your fertile years are running out, then I appreciate the urgency. However, if you're early 20's then I suggest that you slow down a little.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 11:36am

I think it's way too soon to ask him to state with certainty how he feels about you. I think it takes a good 4-6 months of dating to have a really good idea about that. But, it's not too soon to find out a, what type of relationship he's looking for, in general, to see if the two of you are on the same page and b, whether he considers you a possible candidate for that type of relationship (e.g., if he's looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage, has he ruled you out as a potential marriage partner? He may know, for example, that he could only marry a person of a certain religion and you aren't of that religion--just to cite one possible example.).

Assuming the results of that conversation are satisfactory, I would just ask him outright why you haven't met any of his friends.

I do agree with the previous poster that knowing your age would be helpful, however. A young guy in his 20s may not be self-aware enough to have a meaningful conversation along these lines, for example.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 11:49am

Next time he mentions one of his friends or a group of friends, say something to the effect of "I'd really like to meet them" -- that way, you're stating what you'd like to happen, and he can respond without feeling like he's being put on the spot. In other words, if you say "why haven't I met your friends yet?" ... "why" questions put people on the defensive. Just let him know what YOU want. And allow that to segue into a conversation ... he could end up "filling you in" on his reasons for not yet having introduced you to friends and family. You could simply explain to him that, for the relationship to progress, that it's important to you to meet them. Just state what you want and need, rather than ask a bunch of questions. If he doesn't respond favorably to what you want, then ... you'll have a decision to make about continuing in the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:04pm


I didn't mean to give the impression that I immediately want this to be a deep, serious relationship. Mostly I'm worried that he may be viewing this as a 'friends with benefits' thing... and I don't want that. We still need to get to know each other more before things move forward. In my previous relationships I've always met a guys friends fairly soon, or known them already, and I've always thought it was a good way to see them as they normally are. As for our ages, I'm 24 and he's 26.

Thanks for answering so soon!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 3:11pm

Yeah, I suppose some people could be put on the defensive by that...I personally can't imagine having a problem with someone asking me in a friendly, curious tone, "hey, I'm just curious...how come I haven't met any of your friends yet?" but I guess some people might.

To the OP, with respect to the type of relationship issue: I'd suggest saying something along the lines of, "we probably should have talked about this sooner, but I just want to make sure we're on the same page. I am really not comfortable being in a relationship that is basically friends with benefits. I'm not saying I need to know NOW that we are going to end up in a serious relationship, but I at least want to know that there's the potential for this to go in that direction, that you're open to that possiblity. What are your thoughts on that?"

Of course, he could tell you what he thinks you want to hear rather than the truth. So you need to filter whatever he says through what you know about his trustworthiness, etc. so far.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 1:58pm

Ok the easiest way to settle this is one night when you are lying in bed after sex about to fall aseep roll over look him in the eyes in through the darkness and say "I've though about this alot recently and I love you." I know it sounds corny but is an effective way to gauge how serious a guy is. The timing is crucial never do it in an instance where it is before sexual activity because then you can always get the "I love you too" autoresponse that kicks in a guy looking for sex. If you say it in that time after sex when both people are quiet drifting off to dreamy land you get a pretty good indicator as to how the guy feels about you. A guy who loves you in the sleepy time moment is thinking the same things you are and is nervous about sharing his feelings with you. If he doesn't say I love you too he is not ready to jump off the cliff and take a chance on a serious relationship and you should not expect that from him. If he gives you a sincere "You know what I feel the same way I love you too" and then a kiss you can be certain the guy has joined you in taking the next step in your relationship. I would recommend this I love you method if you have been regularly weekend dating and talking on the phone during the week a little bit for about 3-4 months. I'm giving away some good stuff here to you so please do not use it for evil purposes LOL.

Guy Point of View

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 2:58pm

<< I personally can't imagine having a problem with someone asking me in a friendly, curious tone, "hey, I'm just curious...how come I haven't met any of your friends yet?" but I guess some people might.>>

I'd agree. You know my take on the "why" questions, ha! It's all in the phrasing of the question ... same question, but different projection and/or tone. I like how you phrased it above. It's casual. I wouldn't have a problem with that, either. My take on the asking, though, is to steer clear of saying "why haven't I met your friends?" ... perhaps it's just me ... but the whole "why" thing just seems to sound insecure to me. It's all in the phrasing of the question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 3:41pm

On the meeting his friends thing is he still hanging out with them without you? If he is spending all his time with you maybe he just is not interested in his friends since he met you. It happened to me. When I met my fiance I enjoyed spending time with her much more than all my single guy friends in bars. It just was not fun anymore once I met Jen. Maybe that is why you have not met his friends. They are all single guys who hang out in bars and he does not want you to think he is like that anymore.

Guy Point of View

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 6:42pm

No, he still sees them. He likes going out, and so do I! He often makes a point about not having had that much fun when I talk to him after he's been out with the boys to the bar. And he's mentioned not thinking too highly of one friends behaviour with women. Maybe he thinks his buddies will scare me off, if they're WOOHOO frat boy types? I don't know... I don't want to over-analyse this. I just want to meet the guys! Thanks to everyone for the advice - I'll mull it over and let you know what happens.