Moving On
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 01-18-2006 - 11:34am |
I broke up with my BF of 3 1/2 years not too long ago. I haven't been happy with him in so long. He's 18 months younger than me, and still in a period in his life where he wants to be a boy and go play with his friends, he's also in that stage where he's also trying to find himself professional and what he wants to do for the rest of his life. The past few weeks have been rough, but everyday is getting better and I know I made the right choice. I'm 26 and he just turned 25, he still wants to go out with his friends and wants to do whatever and whenever, and almost always pushed me aside and taken me for granted. We have been fighting a lot the past few months, and I have been miserable for more than a year of trying to keep in together.
In the past few weeks after the breakup, we spent some time together talking about things. I told him that I was so tired of him disrespecting me, and the BS, and putting his friends above me all the time, of me crying and being stressed out, and forgeting about me and my needs. I told him that it's been hard not hearing from him, and doing stuff together. He knows that he hurt me, and that he say he wants me to be happy. He's told me that he needed a break, and that he never stopped loving me, he missed the good times of seeing "my pretty face" and hearing from me and doing stuff together, but that we are 2 different people going in 2 different directions. He hasn't been much for words, but when it comes out, it's just between him and me.
I'm starting to move on, and met up with someone new, which he found out about. He wanted to meet the guy, and I told him no, my personal life stays personal, and your not involved. He's told me that he doesn't care if I'm seeing someone else, which I think is crap. I told him that this breakup needed to happen, and you and I need to move on with our lives. He says that he wants to be friends, but he's been talking about sexual portion of what we had too. I told him that I wont put myself in a position like that, and I haven't. I'm not going to be used either, cause if he truely wants to be friends, he would reach out and be a friend...not a friend with benefits.
While walking away from this relationship, I feel the need to be close to him, but I know that I also need to break away from him for a long while. I know I've matured beyond this person and point in my life, and I need more of an adult RL. I told him that I want someone that I can come home to, and not have to worry about, but with him I have to worry about everything...and that shouldnt have to be. We will be separating our cell accounts in the next few weeks here, and I feel the need to get out all the stuff I need to get out, and then be done with everything and tell him that I need to move on. I want to have him in my life, but not anytime soon I just need that period of getting him out of my system. But I don't want to waste my time trying to be a friend, if he doesn't put the effort into it either. Maybe we just shouldn't talk to each other after that point...I dunno.
What do you all think, where should I go from here?

The absolute truth is that you should stop talking to the guy if you are going to move on and find the guy that truly makes you happy. It is difficult but it is what you should do. If you do meet a decent guy that likes you the “old boyfriend that is just a friend” will drive him away faster then telling him that you have reached your reproductive cycle like that nutjob on the new bachelor. If you continue talking to him all that will signal to him that if he can convince you that he has changed he will get sex again. He will eventually convince you that the past couple weeks month He has missed you soo much and he is now bored of his friends and just wants your pretty face back. In reality he is tired of spending the money going to bars with his buddys and cruising for floozies and he can take a break from that and get back to consistent sex with you if only he can show you how much he has changed. Guess what will happen?
Bottom line: Stop talking to him and don’t give him a chance to fool you in to believing he has changed. If you are looking for an adult relationship you will not find it in a bar or in groups of friends. Find a way to go on traditional adult dates like guy picks up girl takes her out to dinner and talk.
Thanks for the bottom line. I do know what I need to do, it's just doing it and getting through it is the tough part. I've done the F/w B after a RL before, and of course I got screwed, but there's a first for everything and you learn from it. But why do they use the line, we'll always be friends, you can call me anytime, blah blah blah, and they can't even do that. Is most of that crap sexual driven thinking they might get some, or is there any honesty in that.
I know this guy won't change, frankly I wish him all the best, cause he's got a lot of growing up to do. I already told him he's not getting any, maybe that's why he's not calling...HAHA. But getting sex and seeing that he's changed for me has nothing to do with each other. It's the question of when I'm over him, and if I'm single and available, and if I want to hook up with him in the future, and/or if we can be "just friends". Trying to separate that from the whole sharing the good times with him, to the sex portion of it, and finding how much of what's coming out of his mouth is sexually driven or emotionally driven is the question for me. But I guess I'll figure that all out in time.
My last question would be this, if my ex says that he doesn't care if I go out with other guys, and that he's over the emotional portion of the RL. Yet he wanted to know if I had a good time on my date, and wanted to meet him. Since it's only been about 3 weeks since the breakup, I honestly think that my ex is full of S***, and that he's not over me just like that...Why do guys do that crap...and what's the excuse behind that? Can you explain? Thanks!
It is easiest to understand if you in this instance observe the behavior of a male dog. View a guy like your ex as a dog (i know hard to do but try for me) and you are a tree on the street of life. He has peed (had sex with you) on his tree on the street and by doing so marked the tree as his. It is his tree. Now for a few weeks he decides to go down different streets and parks and pee on a lot of trees he just is having the time of his life. He comes back to the familiar street that you are on and comes up tail a wagging and finds that there is a strange smell on the tree. Another dog in his absence has marked his tree. My god the dog thinks I must mark this tree again. So he does. Unlike the tree you have a brain can think and prevent him from "marking you" again. The desire of your ex boy friend to meet the guys you are dating now is to drive them away. It is troubling to a guy to just hear about the old exbf that is a friend but to see him and be introduced to him is like crossing the beams in ghostbusters. Only bad things can happen. My advice is don't be the tree and just let the guy fade away by not having contact with him. It is my belief that guys that have had sex with you lose all ability to be friends with you. It is not how the male mind works. Again refer to the dog analogy and you will see the reason. He cares very much that you are going out with other guys and it bothers him.
Guy Point of View