Guys point of view open for business

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Guys point of view open for business
14
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:37pm

This is my first post to a board like this but I felt compelled by all the posts that you girls need a real guy to put things into perspective. Just a little background on myself I am 27yo male. I’m a successful private wealth manager and I have done the full range of guy things you can do. I have played roles such as wild frat boy/president of the frat, loner, mid 20’s guy with friends at bars, to finding true happiness seeing my friends with my fiancé I’d say once a quarter. I give you this range to demonstrate my credentials in interpreting a wide range of male thoughts because I lived in and am intelligent enough to understand the different stages I went through. I am happily engaged. Wedding is planned for May 19, 2007. Can't wait. I discovered this board today through the msn home page because there was an article about "Operation Matrimony" and I read the article. I was troubled that women are having such trouble understanding guys and getting married and I already post to message boards and help people solve financial problems so I figured I would take on a challenge. I will be reading your posts and will be making my comments. I will not go on and on just kind of give you a quick and dirty of what I think and then if you need more just let me know. I look forward to sharing my thoughts and learning from all of you.

Guy Point of View

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 1:09pm

Welcome to the board! It sounds like you're going to be in demand!

I'm going to be the first to ask for your opinion - could you look at my post (Need Second Opinion) and tell me what you think? There are two bits of info I left out. First - He picked me up from the airport when I came back after being away for the holidays (his offer), and second - while I was sick he brought me soup and movies. I think I actually said "Awwww!'
It was nice of him to do, since we hadn't been seeing each other for long. Anyway, I look forward to hearing what you think!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 3:05pm

ok Guy POV,

here's my situation...

i've been dating this guy for 6 mths now, prior to our relationship we had been friedns for 2 yrs. on our first date he asked me to marry him, thanksgiving he asked me to marry him but he hasn't mentioned it this year yet. so, now he wants to move in together and have a baby. we're both in our mid 20's, live on our own, and have stable jobs. however, i haven't met his parents yet.

would you take his words/actions seriously even though you haven't met his parents?

thanks,
ravishing

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 3:32pm

In my travels I have never heard of the "Let's move in together and have a baby" It never even has been a thought in my head or any guy I know. The guy seems to make very rash decisions very quickly. Asking you to marry him on the first date is a red flag because although he wants to get married he could easily decide he does not want to be with you just as quickly. I am a firm believer in the date for a year live together for a year and engaged for two years method. Dating allows you to get comfortable with someone and after a year you know the person pretty well. The moving in thing should only be done with the understanding that it will be for one year and at the end of that year or somewhere close to the one year a proposal is expected. This should be discussed before moving in together so there is an understanding that you will not get comfortable in "living together" If it does not work out after a year at least you have only invested two years and you know that you tried. Move on. I would suggest waiting until you are married to have a child with as spontaneous guy as this guy seems.

Guy Point of View

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 3:45pm

thanks for the advice.

however, i failed to mention that we had been friends for two years prior to us dating - does that have any baring?

why do you think i haven't met his parents yet?

ravishing




Edited 1/18/2006 3:52 pm ET by ravishingbeauty
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 3:55pm

Are you ready???

Okay....here it goes. I was in a relationship last year for 7-8 months with a man 11 yrs. my elder. I'm 33 he's 44. Neither of us have been married nor do we have any children. LONG story short.......we...well, I thought we got along great. I was very into him and he seemed VERY into me. He broke up with me "out of the blue" one Monday morning AFTER we spent the entire weekend together and were sexual as well. I was upset...but I moved on with my life. It took me 2-3.5 months to GET over him. Well, he sent an e-mail in November and just a chat. I had been dating around since our break-up....going out here and there with men...no one spectacular and running around with my friends too. I started seeing someone on a regular basis since November, and spending alot of weekends with him, but we have not been intimate. WE have slept in the same bed and kissed....but nothing else. I didn't want to get hurt and didn't/don't feel as though I LOVE him and told him I need to wait. He is fine with that and has not pressured me at all.
WHERE THE ISSUES START::::::
The EX called right before Christmas...just to say HELLO. I went to where he was and chatted a little while with him face to face and we kissed. I remember telling him that he broke my heart. I was intoxicated and so was he. WELL, He said he'd call me after my "boy friend" left to go back home for Christmas. I told him...I did not have a BOYFRIEND but had been dating someone for a few months, BUT we had not been sexual. Well, he has called me 11 times since Christmas and we went to dinner and he stayed the night. NOTHING happened. Then last week, I "broke the ice" on Monday and sent him an e-mail...just a joke though. He called me on Friday night but I was out with some friends. He called me Saturday night and I was at home by myself. He asked me if he could come over and I told him yes. We had sex that night and it was wonderful. He called me Sunday evening and we chatted for a little while. Nothing about what had happened the night before though. I have not heard anything from him since that phone call though. I am TOTALLY confused because I do not know why he called me to begin with since we had been split up for 5 months and we had not seen one another...not even passing on the road. I am wondering if it was just a "booty-call" on his end...or if he may miss being with me. Please help and give me some male advice.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 4:07pm

Is he very close to his family???? Does he talk about them alot with you???? If he does and you have never met them then that is a problem. If he is not close with his parents then it might be his own personal issues with them that do not involve you. However, you are right to be concerned because when you get married you are not marrying just him but also his family. My fiance had some issues with me meeting her parents because she was not close with them and she grew up in a very poor family. She met my parents first and I have a very wealthy family so she thought that would scare me off. It obviously did not scare me off since we are getting married. I hope this helps.

The being friends thing for two years is nice but I would say your relationship began once you started dating. As far as getting to know a person date for a year regardless of how long you have been friends. Everything changes once the friend is someone you kiss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 4:24pm
Ok disclaimer here it is hard to predict not knowing very much about him personally and such but being a 44 and wonderful man that has never been married seems odd. It should set off a red flag. Although there are cases where a man has been focused on a career or other things but these are only in rare circumstances. Men marry for love and all the other reasons women do but at the caveman core it is so we can insure the fact we can have sex on a consistent basis. That will never change. This 44 year old wonderful man I would safely assume has figured out a way to have sex on a consistent basis by manipulating women. It is not uncommon but a person of his age has alot of experience at it and obviouslt enjoys it since he is still doing this. Most guys get tired of manipulation sex in the early to mid 20's but unfortunately some continue with it all their life. You mentioned in your message that you told this guy that you are seeing another guy but not being sexual with him. Well if this guy is the type that I think he is he thinks he has died and gone to heaven. He has another guy taking you out and doing all the date stuff and then he comes in when that is all finished and gets to have the sex. If you are just interested in sex from the guy then that is fine but I would advise against confusing his calling you with anything other than sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 4:42pm

thanks for the comments...

yes, he does talk about his family. he has three sisters - I have met two so far. the 3rd is only 9 and lives w/his parents. I have also met his older cousin, whom he lived w/for awhile but NOT the parents. he did tell me that over the holidays his mom and dad seperated and our living seperately till this day - should I still be concerned?

i will take your advice and date him for a year and see what happens.

ravishing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 4:51pm

Him not being married should have set off some red flags to me. He told me he had been in a relationship with one woman for 8 years and another for 3 and that he had not had a girl friend for 5 years when we got together and had not had sex in 3 years. I had not been in a "relationship" for over two years. But had been sexual from the 2 years til I slept with "the EX".

SO.......when we first started talking/dating...I was seeing/talking to 3 other men. NOTHING sexual or intimate...just going out for fun....no strings or pressure at all. Each had different interests and I did different things with each of them on dates. There was the watch football, drink beer and eat pizza guy, the go out on double dates with another couple guy, dinner and movie guy, and then the one I selected to be with. I am a VERY honest person and told him that he was not the only man I was spending my time with. The EX came over to watch a movie after we went to dinner one evening and he wanted to be exclusive. Since I liked him more than the others and had a chemistry with him.....I agreed we'd see how it went. WELL, LOVE hit me off-guard and I think it did him the same. WE neither one expected to fall in love with one another and his friends continued to tell me how much he liked me. Even the night he called the first time in December....they said he still loved/cared for me. I didn't think my feelings for him were still as intense as they are. I could have handled the going to dinner and him staying the night.......I can not handle having "meaningless sex" with him. To me, it isn't meaningless and to him...it may not be either. BUT I am confused and wonder why he started calling me to begin with. Did he miss me???? Did he come over Saturday night cause he wanted a "piece"????? He does not go out to bars and he told me back in December that he had not been out with anyone since we broke up. ME, on the other hand.......I was devestated and feel the best way to get over one...is to get another one. I went out the next night with a guy to dinner. Went out with an old flame that weekend. Have met several men and given them my number but it hasn't amounted to anything. The guy I went out with right after the break-up is the one I am "dating" now. I am not "EXCLUSIVE" with him though. Heck, I had sex with the EX this past weekend.

So.......you are a man.......why did the EX start calling again????? Still in love, miss me, holidays set in and he is lonely, wants me back?.....I am so confused.
The sex was great....I could tell he was REALLY into me and he held me the entire night and next morning before I had to get up and get ready for church.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 4:52pm
It sounds like he is slowly opening up to you about his divorced parents. That is a difficult thing and its effects are far reaching on who a person is. So my advice let him tell you about it on his own terms. It sounds like he is sharing his family with you introducing you to his sisters and such. So these are all great signs. I wish you the best of luck.

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