Dating Celibate-kind of

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Dating Celibate-kind of
4
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 4:54pm
Ok, so here's a brief synopsis of my dating history. When I was in high school, I never really dated much, I was always busy with other things and it never bothered me. Freshman year of college (five years ago or so), I still wasn't dating much, I think the longest 'relationship' I had was three months. My Sophomore year, my hormones got the best of me, and, um, I was promiscuious. At the start of Junior year I got seriously involved and fell in love (1st real love) with a neighbor. We were together-ish off and on for about two years (ended for good this past August). Now, he wasn't the one for me and was actually a mean jerk with childish emotional habits and I'm glad we're not together, but I was really happy to be with someone and he taught me a lot about myself and what I will and won't and shouldn't stand for. And I was ridiculously in LOVE with him. I've dated a couple of guys since then, but I'm not good at this dating around stuff and would much rather be in the comfortable stages of a relationship. I think my desire for that committment is scaring off some really sweet guys. So last week, I decided to go ahead and 'give-up dating' and try to refocus my energy away from thinking I have to be in a relationship to living and loving myself with or without a partner...But at the same time, I really want to be with someone..sigh..So I decided I can date, but only if he truly meets my standards (I can be picky), but now I'm not really meeting anyone that piques my interest. Frustrating
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 5:04pm

You need to "date like a man" - you'd be infinitely less frustrated.

that's not as complicated as it sounds. IT's very simple.

Basically, guys are never "expecting" of you on dates - what they don't already KNOW is iin existence. That way they're not disappointed...and they might find themselves delighted by other abilities or traits you possesses.

I.e.,

Guy and his buddy: Wow, look at that girl over there. Great legs, I thinnk I'll ask her out.

Guy: "I couldn't take my eyes off you. Would you consider giving me your number, and having dinner iwth me on Friday night?"

Her: Sure (Wow, he's so cute, and he cam right over here and asked me out. He sure must think I am somebody special if he's putting himself at such risk).

Guy to his buddy: All right, I got the number, she's a beauty - I'llhave eye candy on my arm Friday night at the steakhouse!

Guy never thinks again about the girl.......unless he envisions what he knows of her factually - her great boobs, butt, and legs.

Guy picking her up on Friday: Wow, you look beautiful.

Her: Thank you (thought: am I better looking than the last girl(s) he's dated, I hope so).

And basically - to cut to the chase...the guy is never expecting her to be something other than what he knows exists......

What you're doing is assuming what he wants (a relationship) and that in order to have that iwth you he's got to hold particular standards or values (which is good).

But you're going to have ot date them without having expectations of "where it'll lead" - to find out enough about their character to see thier values and their standards - via thier actions, decisions and words.

Realize the first 3-9 months of any relationship is hip deep in infatuation. That's really "Your desire for me makes me feel so good about me, I can't get enough of your attention".

So they're not really all that into yuou - they're into how they feel about themselves thanks to your attention...same goes for you.

so learn how to date...enjoy what it is - but dating is NOT a sport that is designed to get you a relationship...it's simply an "event".

You date - you enjoy waht is...don't project or assume into it....if anything transpires that offends or upsets your standards and values - don't ocntinue to affiliate.

It's that simple.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 5:18pm

I wish it could be that simple for me..I guess that's part of my problem. I have struggle with being laid back in relationships-and in a lot of aspects of my life. Some people may say I'm overly 'goal-oriented'. I'm really good at focusing my energy on the end result but it kind of makes me anal and obnoxious in the present. When I'm out with a guy, I totally over-analyze every little detail instead of enjoying the moment.

Oh, and I totally agree with the liking the attention as part of the intial stages of a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 5:45pm

Ah, then this might help. Goal focus is great - but it does tend to put on outside the scope of the present at times.

But...a relationship isn't a goal. A goal upon achievement makesyou something you're not when you started the endeavor. A relationship doesn't do that.

A relationship isn't a 401K retirement plan, or an identity badge, or a security marker, or a status symbol. IT doesn't take you anywhere you won't go on your own, and it won't make you into what you're not - if you're not happy, complete, successful, secure, identified, and self-accepting prior to meetin them - you won't be thanks to attention, interaction, and obligation.

So you might picture a great relationship as being in this example:

Two people who for their own reasons and purposes decide running a marathon will meet needs, expand thier horizons, allow them to push the envelope of their identity....so they pursue training plans, they find the marathon they want to run - and they register to do it. Up to now - they've never met.

On the starting line with 10,000 persons.....everybody takes off at the starting gun. Each of them is running along at thier own pace - and somewhere around mile 15 of 26.2 - they meet. Realizing they're runnning at the same pace - they decide a little conversation and companionship might be a boost - so they engage in conversation. They share ideas, and interests and opinions along the way.

Both realize if either stops - that's not the end of thier personal race - they got into this for thier own reasons and purposes and will finish it under their own power - even iwth this person by their side.

This is just companionship and it adds a dimension to the marathon - but it is not the purpose of the marathon.

The two people run across the finish line together, because they were by individual requirement going at the same pace, to the same place, for personal reasons and needs. they've got what they came for - a great finissh - and the got a bonus and score by someone to talk to along the way.

That is ALL a relationship is...it's not the marathon....it's someone you MIGHT meet along the way that shares your pace and pursuit by thier own personal requirements.....but it doesn't take companionship to enjoy the marathon or allow it to fulfill it's purpose. And it doens't take ocmpanionship in order to prepare or run it either.

That's all it is....a relationship isn't designed to "take you anywehre" - ti's designed to go where you take yourself - because there's enough shared values and goals and inteerests.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 9:55am

Erin,

I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write an intelligent reply. I really enjoyed reading your responses AND they are clear and concise. I totally understand what you're trying to get across. The marathon metaphor worked really well for me.

Anna