The perfect guy?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2006
The perfect guy?????
4
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 12:45am

I am going through a wide range of emotions right now and would like a non-bias opinion.

After 10 years of marriage I was divorced a few years ago. I had not dated much at all and finally met this wonderful guy about 6 months ago. We are both in our mid-late 30's and are both divorced, I have one child. He is wonderful to me and in the short amount of time have found a real emotional and physical connection. So where is the problem???

Last week he received a call from an ex-girlfriend who said that she "finally got the nerve to call and tell him that she is pregnant with twins....they are his and she is due next month!!!!!!" Well obviously this happened before the two of us met and my first thought was to stick by this wonderful guy and help him in any way that I could. However he keeps telling me that if I want to leave he does not blame me and that he thinks he should just leave me now because I do not deserve to be put through this! I have told him that leaving is not what I want, but he keeps saying the same thing over and over again. He claims that he does not love this woman and that he will fulfill his obligation (time and money) to his children, but after being divorced does not see himself getting married just because of children.
So now I find myself thinking if he is right? Will this situation be too crazy? Can a relationship work with this kind of strain? Has anyone heard of a situation like this before?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:54am

Having never been married or had children I really don't know what to say to all that, but I will offer my two cents.

Yes he is right and yes the situation would be too crazy. Since this guy just got hit with a lot of stuff at one time and the responsibility of children, I would say to give him time. Right now he seems to be very scared and confused and is basically trying to tell you that his obligations have moved from you to these children, and he may not be able to keep a RL with you, and devote the time to it.

What I would do is this, to move on with your life but keep him in the "background". Let him know that you will be there for him as a friend and if he needs someone to talk to that your door is open. Cause right now, that's what he's going to need the most. Decide on whether or not you want to keep that physical connection with him, honestly I would just cut it off. Just keep that door open to him, but also give him his space and time.
Let him fullfill his obligations, and give him time to establish that, maybe in time he'll be able to come out of the "fog" that he's in. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:47pm

<< So now I find myself thinking if he is right? Will this situation be too crazy? Can a relationship work with this kind of strain? Has anyone heard of a situation like this before? >>

Actually, there have been several posts here with situations like this. Unfortunately, most post looking for advice/suggestions, but I haven't seen a follow-up as to whether or not those women decided to stay or go. You might want to try a search above, and if you find any of those posts, email the original poster to see how things went, are going or what they decided.

As for him being right ... well, it's not a matter of right or wrong. Go with your instincts, what's in your heart. It sounds like he's "giving you an out" ... but, he isn't making the decision to end the relationship with you. So, if you want to stick it out, let him know firmly that you are choosing to stay and that, if HE doesn't want to continue things with you because HE thinks that it will be too hard for you ... then, that's up to HIM to end it with you. But, it's NOT up to him to think FOR YOU, kwim?

I'd say that, the upside is that ... since she's due next month, you won't have long to wait until the babies are born. Then, you can determine for YOURSELF whether or not it's too difficult for you to handle, once the obligation becomes real.

At which time, I'm assuming he's going to ask for a paternity test? Does he know for sure that they are his? Either way, since they are no longer together ... and all things considered, it is a more than a BIT devious to lay this on him at the last minute (talk about not giving him much time to adjust to this news or make plans for figuring this into his life!?), I DO hope that he'll get confirmation of his paternity.

Keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 11:48am

I agree with both posters. It's only natural for him to be freaking out right now. The last thing he is going to need is a woman constantly checking the pulse of a serious relationship.

Do yourself a favor and give BOTH of you some time to adjust before making any major decsions. Show him that his relationship with you can be a source of strength and support not an additional source of stress, which he has more then enough of right now.

In any relationship there will be times when we put or needs second so we can be strong and offer support to someone we love. The key is to strike a balance and not continually put yourself second. In this case that means putting aside your needs for attention and knowing where the relationship is going to give him time to adjust to this new informationand a new way of life. It may be a few months befor ehe is able to discuss how he feels about all this.

Just give him time and be there for him. As a parent you'll certainly have a lot of advice he can use.

As time passes hopefully he'll adjust and be able to become a more active participant in the relationship again and you can go back to a more balanced relationship. If instead you become uncommfortable or feel you are sacraficing too much for him, then that's your cue to express yourself and decide if it's time to leave.

It may be he can't handle being a new Dad and having a serious relationship. It may be too much for you to handle. There's no harm or shame in that. But the only way to know is to try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 9:54pm

Marli-

My harsh take on the situation is that you've unfortunately reached a dead end.

I think that your man is using the situation as an excuse to not be with you. If he wanted to be with you, your kind, supportive words and reassurance would be enough. More likely than not, he has feelings for this ex, and is just trying to spare you the pain of breaking up with you.

You deserve better! Mr. Right is on the horizon- and he won't be making excuses to not be with you. Be proactive and get back on the road without him- don't wait for him to tell you what you probably already know deep down inside. Being stalled on the side of the road like this only keeps you from finding a truly perfect guy!

Good Luck!

Savannah
www.ontheroadtomrright.com