GUYPOV...answer please
Find a Conversation
GUYPOV...answer please
| Fri, 01-20-2006 - 11:09pm |
I don't know what to do. For once, I want to find a guy who wants to be in a relationship and is not scared of commitment. This guy, who I've been "dating" for around 10 months, refuses to put a label on the relationship, or even say we're together. The thing is, he totally acts like my boyfriend. We talk several times a day, see each other very frequently, we use terms of endearment, I've met his mom twice, he tells me he misses me when we're apart, we're intimate, affectionate, and he's even declared that he will be with my family at christmas next year. So as you can see I'm very confused. For awhile I didn't really stress out too much about the label thing. I figured it wouldn't make our relationship any different, so it wasn't a big deal. But now I just really feel like it's time to at least say we're something. I mean, heck, we were just talking about love last night! He says "we're not together" but we're not nothing either. I told him I want some sort of commiment, like dating exclusively, something! He asked why, and I said I just want to know that it's going somewhere and I'm not wasting my time. Then he got upset and said "well fine, then don't waste your time!" He said I hurt his feelings for saying that, and I apologized, and explained that I didn't mean I was wasting my time on him, but I just didn't want to wake up 2 years from now still in the same boat we're in now. Or have him down the line find someone else and decide he wants to date her. That I don't want to go along with this thinking it's something, and then it turns out to be nothing. And he says now he's not sure cause I hurt his feelings. I think he'll get over that, but my point is, I don't know what to do here. It seems that he just isn't ready to say it yet, but I think after 10 months he should at least be able to say we're dating. I think part of it is he's scared to have a serious relationship again, cause his last one ended a week before he was gonna propose whe she broke it off. But that was almost 2 years ago, and I'm not her. So I don't think he should keep using that as an excuse. I know he cares about me alot, he shows it, like I said he acts like a boyfriend, and treats me like his girlfriend. I don't want to end things because of lack of title, but I guess I'm just scared of letting it go on like this forever. I don't want to issue an ultimatum, that probably wouldn't be good. But right now we're in the middle of this whole disagreement thing because I want more, and now he's got hurt feelings, and I just don't know what to do. I seriously care for this guy, I'm falling in love with him, and we get along so well. Before this tonight, things were going wonderfully, I was feeling closer to him than I'd felt in a long time. But at the same time it hurts my feelings that he can't seem to say we're together. It makes it seem like he's not sure about me. I know the whole actions speak louder than words deal, which I tend to believe, but I also know there's times you need to listen to what he's saying. So which is it? He said he could say we're togther one day, but not right now. Any advice??

Look, I'm not that into 'titles' (I'm not sure that my DH and I ever discussed being boyfriend/girlfriend - we just were) but I do need to know that the person I am with sees a future with me and is being monogamous. Anything less has the potential to be a massive waste of my time.
Perhaps you can look past the lack of a 'title' (let's face it, it's only words) and look at his actions. Is he being monogamous? Is he generally aware of your needs? Does he see a future with you? Does he love you?
If you answer "yes" to all of the above, I'd stop worrying about a title - but if you don't know the answer, then I'd say that he's just not that into you.
However, I will be less reassuring about his hurt feelings. What you said about wasting your time was the truth. And I would suggest that you tell him to get over himself. Have you ever seen a child throw himself on the supermarket floor because his mother won't buy a treat? The child says "you don't love me!" while bawling his eyes out. Your boyfriend is doing an adult version of this. He's acting like a petulant child and while ever you buy into his tantrum, he's going to continue this behaviour when he doesn't get his way. Let's face it, it IS a waste of time being with someone who isn't going to commit to you (title or no title) - and if he doesn't get this, then he must be as thick as a brick. Or just using you for convenience.
thanks, it's good to know someone else experiences this too!