GUYPOV...answer please

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
GUYPOV...answer please
4
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 11:09pm
I don't know what to do. For once, I want to find a guy who wants to be in a relationship and is not scared of commitment. This guy, who I've been "dating" for around 10 months, refuses to put a label on the relationship, or even say we're together. The thing is, he totally acts like my boyfriend. We talk several times a day, see each other very frequently, we use terms of endearment, I've met his mom twice, he tells me he misses me when we're apart, we're intimate, affectionate, and he's even declared that he will be with my family at christmas next year. So as you can see I'm very confused. For awhile I didn't really stress out too much about the label thing. I figured it wouldn't make our relationship any different, so it wasn't a big deal. But now I just really feel like it's time to at least say we're something. I mean, heck, we were just talking about love last night! He says "we're not together" but we're not nothing either. I told him I want some sort of commiment, like dating exclusively, something! He asked why, and I said I just want to know that it's going somewhere and I'm not wasting my time. Then he got upset and said "well fine, then don't waste your time!" He said I hurt his feelings for saying that, and I apologized, and explained that I didn't mean I was wasting my time on him, but I just didn't want to wake up 2 years from now still in the same boat we're in now. Or have him down the line find someone else and decide he wants to date her. That I don't want to go along with this thinking it's something, and then it turns out to be nothing. And he says now he's not sure cause I hurt his feelings. I think he'll get over that, but my point is, I don't know what to do here. It seems that he just isn't ready to say it yet, but I think after 10 months he should at least be able to say we're dating. I think part of it is he's scared to have a serious relationship again, cause his last one ended a week before he was gonna propose whe she broke it off. But that was almost 2 years ago, and I'm not her. So I don't think he should keep using that as an excuse. I know he cares about me alot, he shows it, like I said he acts like a boyfriend, and treats me like his girlfriend. I don't want to end things because of lack of title, but I guess I'm just scared of letting it go on like this forever. I don't want to issue an ultimatum, that probably wouldn't be good. But right now we're in the middle of this whole disagreement thing because I want more, and now he's got hurt feelings, and I just don't know what to do. I seriously care for this guy, I'm falling in love with him, and we get along so well. Before this tonight, things were going wonderfully, I was feeling closer to him than I'd felt in a long time. But at the same time it hurts my feelings that he can't seem to say we're together. It makes it seem like he's not sure about me. I know the whole actions speak louder than words deal, which I tend to believe, but I also know there's times you need to listen to what he's saying. So which is it? He said he could say we're togther one day, but not right now. Any advice??
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 1:28am

Look, I'm not that into 'titles' (I'm not sure that my DH and I ever discussed being boyfriend/girlfriend - we just were) but I do need to know that the person I am with sees a future with me and is being monogamous. Anything less has the potential to be a massive waste of my time.

Perhaps you can look past the lack of a 'title' (let's face it, it's only words) and look at his actions. Is he being monogamous? Is he generally aware of your needs? Does he see a future with you? Does he love you?

If you answer "yes" to all of the above, I'd stop worrying about a title - but if you don't know the answer, then I'd say that he's just not that into you.

However, I will be less reassuring about his hurt feelings. What you said about wasting your time was the truth. And I would suggest that you tell him to get over himself. Have you ever seen a child throw himself on the supermarket floor because his mother won't buy a treat? The child says "you don't love me!" while bawling his eyes out. Your boyfriend is doing an adult version of this. He's acting like a petulant child and while ever you buy into his tantrum, he's going to continue this behaviour when he doesn't get his way. Let's face it, it IS a waste of time being with someone who isn't going to commit to you (title or no title) - and if he doesn't get this, then he must be as thick as a brick. Or just using you for convenience.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 7:44pm
wow, this was so odd to read, it's very similar to my situation right now. hun, he's afraid. the thing is while a woman will meet a guy, give her heart to him, get it stomped on, pick up the pieces, dust it off and start all over. men are quite different. about a year or so ago my guy was just about to propose to his girl and she picked up and left him, moved to a third world country and while he's over her he's not over the feeling. recently, he broke up with me saying he wasn't ready....he didn't last a week lol. and while i can still feel his uncertainty, he really does care for me. i can feel it when he's with me. it's not about what he says, it's all about what he does. if you really want it to work with him don't worry about "wasting your time". if you truly love him you can't think of it that way.... as long as you keep showing him that you are willing to stick by him and that you care for him, he will come around......in his own time. he needs to come around on his own. arguing with him about titles will only push him away. good luck....hope it works out for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 12:51am
wow, thanks so much for your response...it sounds like you understand exactly how I feel. i know he cares for me a great deal through the things that he does, so I guess I just need to pay more attention to that. he did the same thing your guy did a few months ago. we had a fight and he tried to say we should just be friends...and it didn't last very long before he was apologizing and saying he missed me, etc. I think it's like you said...he's over the last girl, but absolutely does not want to feel that kind of pain again, which i can understand. to me he seems the type to not give his heart away easily, but once he does...then wow, there's no going back. i think part of the reason i was pushing for a title is to give myself validation and to make it more "acceptable" to others. i guess part of me feels like others will think i'm stupid for sticking through this with no actual title; that others will feel i'm wasting my time on a guy who won't ever come around.
thanks, it's good to know someone else experiences this too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 9:19am
NEVER worry about what others think...because, trust me, their relationships most likely are just as messed up as yours! your friends may not understand but then again why should they? they will always have advice to give but in the end only you can decide how far you are willing to go for this guy. fortunately all my friends have been very supportive of me. many of them have met my guy and they all agree he does have strong feelings for me but he's just not ready for them. they basically tell me that i am handling it well and they are all pretty sure he'll come around....more sure than me sometimes haha it's not easy.....it takes a lot of patience. and truth me told, i have never been a patient person. but i do know that no matter what happens down the road i will always be proud of the desicion i made to stick by him...even if it doesn't end up working out. i would much rather try and fail than walk away and always wonder what if?