How do I learn to trust again

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
How do I learn to trust again
1
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 9:27am

Hi,

Backgrounder, 37, 16 yo daughter, had been with my ex husband for 13 years, married 8, when he left me for another woman. Never saw it coming, total shock.

That was almost 2 years ago now, I have now been with my new boyfriend for 6 months. I love him very much, and he feels the same way about me. We are together most of the time. In fact, I think he went out maybe 2-3 times with his friends since we met. And not because he can't go, he just doesn't.

The only issue I have really, is the computer. He used to work with AOL, so obviously he loves computers. He is now an electrician, so does not use the computer during the day, so usually at night he will go and check his emails, browse the net a bit, and has his MSN Messenger open if friends want to chat with him. Like he told me before, all the people on his list have been there for years, way before we met. Co-workers, friends, etc.

Why do I get sick to my stomach everytime the computer is involved. Maybe because we met online dunno. However I know he is no longer on dating sites, I've checked them all periodically ha ha. And of course he has a password on his login, but even if he didn't I don't believe in snooping, I really want to know how to learn to trust.

The guy never gave me a reason not to trust him, and like he said, it's not like his cell phone rings and he talks on it secretly, or he sneaks out or goes out all the time, he is with me almost always, we practically live together now. The only people calling his cell are his ex wife, (they have a kid together), his parents, brother and a few buddies. Besides, why would he cheat, it's not like we're married or have kids together or even own a house together. So I know it is irrational.

I can't help but think it is all related to my past experience, how do I shake it - I have talked to him about it of course, but he feels it would be controlling of me to ask him not to chat with his friends anymore. He tries to not overdo it, but when I think of it, really it is not his problem, it is mine. Any tips? You can be blunt I can take it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 12:48pm
Well, my ex cheated on me and being brned sometimes makes things hard. You just have to remember it is your problem and not his. When you begin to experience doubt then remind yourself who he is and what he has done to know he is true. I have this same issue because my guy talks to LOTS of women online. Him and I met online and the women he talk to he has met them the same place and even talks to them on the phone. I get my time to be irrational and let him know how I dislike this and that. But, I have sat him down and let him know that this is a big issue and for me to deal with. When I get in my nasty mood and tell him he i must be cheating or just being irrational then to let me go off and when I get in my right mind I will do my normal and appologize. He says he understands since he knows my past and my ex-husband was a big chunck of my dating life. Since he knows I am trying and I have actually went from once every other week to maybe once a month of this he sees I am doing better. I often have to think of what he does for me and even being in a LDR he is always with me and if he isn't heck he is either online talking to me or calling every freaking moment he can. So knowing it is me I think of his actions versus my head and go on that. Good luck
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