I'm Dying of Insecurity!!
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I'm Dying of Insecurity!!
| Mon, 01-23-2006 - 1:07pm |
I really need some feedback!! I'm normally a very confident, funny, well adjusted lady but these past couple of days I've been NUTS!!! Here is the background - he and I have been friends for almost 29 years. We met in Jr High when he sat behind me and bugged me all the time. He had a big crush on me and I talked to him but did not share his feelings. Throughout our adult lives we have kept in touch while we have had marriages, children, divorces. Now we are in our 40s...we are both single. We finally went out for supper last Thursday night and we both had a wonderful time. Talked, laughed, even had a weepy spell (talking about his dad who recently died) and he admitted he was crazy about me, always had been and still is and that he wanted to see a lot more of me. We ended up in bed where it was amazing!! He made love to me, not just sex! I have fallen BIG time! The problem is,he is a very busy business man and spends most of his weekends with his kids (who live a 2 hour flight away). We have emailed each other since Thursday night but I am scared of blowing this. I really really want to be with this guy but I'm not sure what to do. I'm usually the one in charge in a realtionship but now I am so insecure I am practically paralyzed. Feedback?? Help????

This is just as jr. high as it gets.
Feelings aren't facts, goals, calls to action or tools of cognition.
You two re going back a long way whereyou've had him on a pedestal - and in conjunction and alliance with him you see yourself as "great, popular, successful, secure."
What about this do you not get. Sharing secrets is fine - but it doesn't mean there's respect and admiration of you as a person because they dn't run screaming off into the night when you tell them. And you two having weepy moments doesn't constitute anything either - particularly over osmething legitimately sad - such as a death.
Basically, you two went out and "reaccessed" in your emotional hard drives the "feelings I'd have about me if you would notice me".........all this has been encapsulated in 40 years of what you think of as "bad timing or missed opportunities."
he's 40, he's busy, you're a friend, you had benefits....you have no idea if he wants a relationship or how he defines one, but anybody that he finds attractive and willing - he has no problem with casual sex, that's evident by his having it with you.
Now think seriously about it - if YOUR well being and best interest were on his priority list, wouldn't it be important to him out of respect and admiration for you as a person to DATE you first, to find out about you today, and get to know your today - rather than reminiscence about Jackie Jr. High days, tell secrets and share sorrows and jump into bed.
I'm almost sure if you talked ratioally to him, if that were possible, you'd find that he figured all this contact with him despite marriages and "impossibilities" had him thinking you wouldn't mind being his bed buddy- and now that the opportunity arose -he availed himself of the option. That doesn't mean he won't call you, won't date you - but you can rest assured everything will INCLUDE 9not necessarily revolve around) sex.
Because you say to him "I want to back up, start over, we have a long history of knowing OF one aother, but we have no knowledge of one another today, so let's start dating, stop sleeping together, I don't want to get my feelings and my facts confused"....he'd look at you likeyou were nuts, going what happened to that rational woman last night who sympatized with my feelings about my father's death, adored me nad was infatuated with our past, and had hot sex up against the bedroom wall.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Bravo Erin, ITA!
I also wanted to add another reason why I don't see anything real coming of this and why she'd do better to focus her attention in more bennificial areas.
"he is a very busy business man and spends most of his weekends with his kids (who live a 2 hour flight away)."
How do you see a real relationship and possible future with him when this is a fact of his life that's not going to change? His own kids only get to be with him "most" weekends. Physically, he's not going to be there for you much more than he is for his own kids.
I just wanted to say--how are you going to post your question on something like this with all the detail you did, and then go off on a response? I read your question and the responses and I thought YOU were the one out of line! You asked for an opinion and you got it. If you wanted someone to tell you what you wanted to hear, then you should have asked for that instead.
I agree with the reply you got and I think you are so upset because deep down, I think you realize they may be correct, or at least, that there is a ring of truth to it. You being "paralized" is probably because you do know what the answer is, but you are hoping someone will tell you something better. You say that you are usually the one in control of a relationship and I personally think you still are in this one. You can choose to accept things the way they are--with the full knowledge that you will never come before his children and 2 hour flights (could you go along sometimes?), or you can choose to find something else.
<< I really need some feedback!! >>
Ok, I'll offer some feedback, that *hopefully* will be constructive as you see fit:
<< Now we are in our 40s...we are both single. We finally went out for supper last Thursday night and we both had a wonderful time. Talked, laughed, even had a weepy spell (talking about his dad who recently died) and he admitted he was crazy about me, always had been and still is and that he wanted to see a lot more of me.>>
You've both been married, and are now in your 40s. Now, you're single ... and you're both "learning the ropes" again after having been off the market for a long time.
Here's what he'll discover in his newly single 40s: "I can be single, have sex without obligation, enjoy a woman's company when I feel like it, when I want to see her ... and when I don't feel like it, I won't ... I'm now free of the obligations that limited me for a 20-years, and I'm going to discover my freedom."
That's not said to be harsh ... that's said as reality. Very few men, who divorce, are going to jump right into another relationship. They'll want to embrace their new world, new lifestyle without obligation. And that will continue if or until he decides to settle down with one person again.
You're both on the same level of your lives, both divorced, both available to date and see as many people (or as few) as you want. Free to have sex with whomever you choose, without obligation. However, the KEY thing for you to know, as you learn the ropes of dating again in your 40s is that: sex doesn't equal a relationship.
<< We finally went out for supper last Thursday night and we both had a wonderful time. >> ... << We ended up in bed where it was amazing!! He made love to me, not just sex! I have fallen BIG time! >>
You had your first date last thursday, which resulted in having sex. I won't dispute your "making love" comment, but generally ... making love is resevered for people who are IN LOVE. Regardless, the result is the same. It's intercourse. The difference between making love and having sex is simply a matter of perception.
However, if you want to "be in charge" of a relationship ... you may want to reconsider having sex as soon as you did. Most women will want a relationship when feelings are involved. However, men don't necessarily want a relationship for these same reasons.
If a woman is willing to have sex outside of a relationship (and by no means, does one date equal a relationship ... again, not trying to be harsh ... that just is what it is), the message that sends to the guy is that "I don't have to do much in terms of 'courting' her to sleep with her."
Women control sex ... when it happens. Men control the pace of relationships. Why? Because one is holding the purse strings to what the other wants. Women (most) are willing to pursue a relationship with a guy that makes them FEEL a certain way. Men know this; therefore, they'll only offer to the relationship at the level of which THEY are comfortable, that suits their needs. He knows you'd be willing to go 'full board' on the relationship, if and when the time comes that he wants that, as well. On the other hand, men (most) are willing to have sex early and often. Women know this; therefore, they'll offer this at the level at which THEY are comfortable and suits their needs.
However, where women get messed up and confused is when they think that because "we're having sex, it will lead to a relationship." Not always the case. You've already given up the sex, but he isn't saying that he wants a relationship. So, if you want to be the "one in charge in a realtionship" (as that is what you're accustomed to) ... then, don't give up, give in to what you know he wants (sex) before you get what you want out of the situation (relationship).
<< problem is,he is a very busy business man and spends most of his weekends with his kids (who live a 2 hour flight away). >>
Secondly, it's up to you to truly decide if you want to pursue a relationship with someone who is "very busy" and spends most of his weekends with his kids two hours away. Knowing that, you won't be having much free time with him on the weekends. If a guy is a "very busy business man" and spends his weekends with his kids ... what you already know is that his career and his kids are priority number 1 and 2 ... a relationship will be in third. If that's ok with you, then by all means, pursue it. But, know this going in, and you'll lessen your disappointment in the long run by knowing what priority you'll be, if it does come to that.
You think my reply was "really really nasty"!? Seriously? It was the truth minus sugar coating. It wasn't insulting or with the intent to hurt you. It was with the intent, as I'm possitive Erin's post was, to get you to see the reality of the situation, and reality isn't always pretty. If you don't face the truth how do you expect to grow or change or make anything good?
And what does this mean?
"Try and be women...not judgemental harpies!!"
Women, if anything, tend to be judgemental harpies. There's nothing wrong with being judgemental so long as you're not judging someone for something that is absolutely no control of theirs (i.e. skin color, disability, etc).
I'm completely not trying, intending, or meaning to come off as nasty. Just honest, because I believe that most people post on here as a last resort after they've gone to family and friends and might have the answer they want to hear, but they don't have the answer they need to hear.
Contact me at my email : suzitain109@hotmail.com Id like to share something with you and didnt want to post it out in the open. Maybe it will help with how you felt about your responses.
Susan
I actually do agree with you- the responses you got were a bit harsh. And I say this not to sound sugar-coating or being nice, but I say this because I empathize with your situation and think I know exactly why you're feeling the way you feel.
This is new and scary for you- it's been years since you've started a relationship and you aren't sure how to proceed. Kind of knocks you back eh? I myself ended a 4 year relationship (not that comparable to a marriage with kids, but it was still something) and am dating someone right now and i was just saying to my girlfriends that I feel so utterly insecure!
THat was the exact word I used. When I figured out that's what I was feeling it was almost a relief. I'm a very confident, funny and outgoing girl, but with this guy I just feel insecure somehow. At the end of every date all i can think is "will he really call?" And I hate that I feel that way. We've been on 4 dates now and I'm scared to bring up the concept of exclusivity- just because I think it's too soon and I don't want to scare him away.
And maybe scare myself away.
Anyway, my advice- take things slow now. Yes you had sex and it was amazing. But try to take a step back and tell him that. Tell him you had an amazing night that night and you would like to go out for dinner with him (or someother date activity).
For me- I had a onenightstand with this guy i'm dating and i was like "wow, what an amazing night. i see so much potential here, how can i see if he wants to date without scaring him away." I waited a week and called him. He was so happy I called (and admited he was too shy to call me) and we had a date that same weekend, and have been seeing eachother every weekend. I still feel insecure and am unsure about how to continue with this casual relationship. We've put a halt on sex and are getting to know eachother. On our first date i told him I wanted to take it slow and he responded really well to that.
Anyway, sorry, rambling here. I'm a bit sick (stomach flu) today and hope my response here is making sense.
I would just advise being honest with him to a certain extent. Tell him you had a great night and ask him out on a date. Try your best to take things slow. You may think now you really want to be with him- but give yourself some more time. Try to keep busy too, but keep in contact with him (not too often, just start out now with an email to ask if you can call him, and then ask him out on the phone).
Don't bring up the kid situation and such yet. If he uses the "i'm too busy" line, which although it may be true is often a sign that he's not ready for a relationship, then you can throw back "i totally understand. i'm busy too. but tell you what, you have my email/number, if you have some spare time in the next week or 2 and want to get together for dinner and a movie, drop me a line."
This all sounds so juvenile eh? Ha, I guess that's just the nature of romance and love. I think insecurity is completely natural and you should remind yourself that you deserve a great man who is worthy of all you have to offer. He may not be the guy- but at least you seem willing to take a risk!