first relationship-please help.
Find a Conversation
first relationship-please help.
| Tue, 01-24-2006 - 4:57pm |
Okay so I am in need of some advice. I will take anything because this is my first relationship. I have a boyfriend now of about 4 months. We met this past summer. At first, I wasn't attracted to him and didn't like him like that but he liked me. He kept calling me and trying to hang out with me and I just kept turning him down. I finally broke it to him that it wouldn't work...but, one night I saw him and just felt like talking to him, so I did. From then on, we started to hang out together and eventually became exclusive. I really don't know what made me change my mind, I seriously can't explain it. We spend practically ALL of our time together, and when we don't, he thinks that I don't wanna be with him, all I need is some time in between for myself and to actually look forward to seeing him.
So here we are together, and my mind is going crazy with all kinds of emotions and thoughts. Sometimes I think, he's such a great guy and we have a lot of fun and things are going great, and sometimes I think- Why am I with him? Did I just settle?...I keep bouncing back and forth, it's driving me crazy! He absolutely adores me and wants to marry me. Part of me can see myself doing that and part of me can't. So, what I am asking is, Is it normal to have your mind all over the place like this for these first months? Do I just not know what I want yet? Don't get me wrong, I love the guy and care for him...not sure If I am "in love"...but we do get along, we are a lot alike and have fun together. I do find him attractive and I love a lot of things about him. Another major problem right now is that I don't really have any other friends, like girlfriends to hang out with or talk to, like I said I only really hang out with him. I'm wondering if that could be a factor and once that is solved maybe my mind won't be so crazy. Any past experiences, suggestions or advice are gladly welcome!!!
So here we are together, and my mind is going crazy with all kinds of emotions and thoughts. Sometimes I think, he's such a great guy and we have a lot of fun and things are going great, and sometimes I think- Why am I with him? Did I just settle?...I keep bouncing back and forth, it's driving me crazy! He absolutely adores me and wants to marry me. Part of me can see myself doing that and part of me can't. So, what I am asking is, Is it normal to have your mind all over the place like this for these first months? Do I just not know what I want yet? Don't get me wrong, I love the guy and care for him...not sure If I am "in love"...but we do get along, we are a lot alike and have fun together. I do find him attractive and I love a lot of things about him. Another major problem right now is that I don't really have any other friends, like girlfriends to hang out with or talk to, like I said I only really hang out with him. I'm wondering if that could be a factor and once that is solved maybe my mind won't be so crazy. Any past experiences, suggestions or advice are gladly welcome!!!

Honey, you need to spend time apart from that clinging BF of yours. First red flag: it seems that he's like a leach that is sucking the life out of you. It's NOT healthy to spend 24/7 together. He might be an obssessive guy who could blow up at the first disagreement or else. Get some friends and hang out with them. Spend time with your BF, but don't be joint to the hip with him. Second red flag: you've had doubts about him since day one. You don't seem to appreciate him like a BF. Perhaps, you're with him because you don't have any other men to hang out with. When something doesn't feel right to you is probably not good for you. Listent to your gut and break it off. Sooner or later you'll have to do it and it's better sooner than later. It's already been 5 months you know.
To tell your truth these type of possessive obssessive guys scare me a lot becase they can potentially become stakers and violent at any time. Be careful and good luck.
Hi. Love can sure be confusing! I have had a relationship where I was not initially attracted to the guy, but as we got to know each other better, I became more attracted, so we finally started a relationship. But once I was in that relationship, I never asked if I was settling. I was very happy to be with him.
On the other hand, there was another guy that I was not attracted to, but he wanted to date me. I didn't have any other prospects at the time, and because I enjoyed the feeling of being with someone who wanted me, I gave in and dated him. But I was never really happy with him because it wasn't what I wanted. I was so much happier once we enended things, and I could find someone who not just wanted to date me -- but I wanted to date them.
So I think you need to ask: are you dating this guy because with time you became more attracted to him and changed your mind? Or are you dating him because he wanted to and you didn't have anything else to do with your time?
If it's the second, I suggest you end the relationship so you can be free to find someone you really like. There's nothing better than being in a relationship that you're both happy to be in.
Regardless of whether you stay with him, you should concentrate on developing friendships and finding activities to do apart. The older I get, the more I realize just how very important friendships are. And the best relationships are when two people live independent lives, but come together to share them.
It bothers me that your guy doesn't like it when you take space for yourself. But you need to stay firm that you need this space. It's healthy and you aren't responsible for his insecurities.
Good luck!
You sound a lot like me when I was with my ex. I'm gonna share my experience, maybe this will help.
I had to make the choice to end it after 3 1/2 years. I know to a certain extent that I really didn't have many friends to hang out with, and I looked to him for mostly everything. He has all of the friends, and was very outgoing with most people. For myself I really wanted to be in the mix with him, whether it be hanging out with him and his friends all the time, to just spending my free time with him. I was clingy and it affect parts of the RL. Looking back on it now, he said to me that maybe if you had your own set of friends then this would have worked out. I told him it would have just prolonged something that was going no where. I knew in my heart early on that him and I just weren't meant to be, but I made the choice to stay with him for as long as I could.
Right now your in that "honeymoon" phase, everything is wondering and lovey dovey. I know that my ex yapped about things like "when we get a house", "when we get engaged", and so on. Honestly about half way into the RL, he stopped talking about we and talked only about him getting his own house. About a year ago, things started going completely down hill, and then I told him after this new years that I had enough and didn't want to do this anymore. I haven't been in love with him for a long time, and I knew that I had to prepare myself for being along and single. I was so stressed out and had way too much anixety that all I wanted was to be happy, and he just wasn't cutting it for me. This monday, we will be separating our phone accounts, and for me that will be it. I just can't be friends or even friendly with him when we are both angry, and I keep getting treated like $**t by him. That's just not a friend to me.
The lesson that I have learned from all of this is that you can only try so much for so long, and if the other person is too immature, and doesn't want to, don't waste anymore time. Don't give anything extra into something that you're not getting anything back from. He said he wanted to be friends, and never stopped loving me, and missed the good times. But when you try and "be friends" with him, and he can't even do that... and hurts you again, then you need to make the choice to cut him out of your life, and maybe for good.
So to you my advice would be this, when your "in love" you'll know it, and I think you just don't know right now. If he starts talking about how he wants to marry you, he'll put his money where is mouth is and do it. A real man will do that if he means it, if not he's still a "boy". I know it's hard when your BF tells you those things, don't believe it until you see it. Guys tend to mouth off and tell the girl what they want to hear. When 2 people are in a RL, and they don't have the same dreams, and goals in life and love, and you 2 aren't on the "same level", it makes it impossible to keep it together.
Learn to listen to your instinct, and trust it, you'll thank yourself. Working on my self-esteem and myself as a woman is something I need to work on, that way in time I'll be a better person and a better partner for someone. Be with this guy because you want to have a RL with him, don't be in it for the sex or to say that you have a BF. I think you need to cut bait and move on and find someone that's not clingy, and treats you like a queen.
Good Luck!
Hon, you didn't 'settle' - he did.
You've got no other friends, interests or involvements right now. You love his attention and adoration it make syou 'feel good about being you".
when he's around you enjoy the total adoration and attention and "your way being the only way" that he does anything.
But when he's not around you're wondering "what do I see in you" - becuase you see nothing in him in terms of character, intelligence, or focus that you admire and respect and want to interact with.
You like interacting with his "attention" - but he doesn't hold your interests.
so you haven't settled at all - you're the hottie sought after girl that can take or leave him while he follows behind like a puppy dog in total need and adoratino. YOu love the scenario - being so desired, sought after, attended to, and pursued.
He's settled for someone who has no use for him - other than her superficial emotional gratification and toleration of his character.
You need to get mor friends and interests and goals oof your own - he'll be even less appealing, you'll have no trouble ending it....and a relationship isn't a goal.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com