His conflicting actions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
His conflicting actions...
18
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 10:48pm

Long story short...

I got into this "thing" with a co-worker 6 months ago, and unfortunately, got pregnant. By the time I found out, he had stopped coming over, so I did the only thing I felt I could...I had an abortion, even though I didn't believe in it. I never told him...until yesterday. For the last 6 months, we've been nothing but co-workers, but have remained on great terms, still occasionally flirty, even. I decided that it was time to tell him what had happened, so he came to my house last night.

He was really sorry it had happened, and really, really sad, but not angry. I thought he would be, b/c he has 3 children from his ex-wife, and he's the most unbelievable dad in the world. He's got sole custody, and just absolutely thinks his kids are the sun moon and stars. When I told him, he said that a big part of him wished that I had told him, and we had continued the pregnancy.

Well, we talked alot, and he's still very hesitant to be anything but friends with me (not ready for a serious relationship this soon after getting out of his marriage), but even after telling him about getting pregnant, he still is wanting to have sex, and isn't that concerned with birth control.

So, I'm really confused...

Does not want me as his girlfriend...but still wants to have sex...isn't worried about birth control...even knowing about my abortion...which he was really sad about...because he loves his kids so much and wished that we had been able to have the baby.

Why doesn't this add up? I'd think that he was just in it for sex, if not for the fact that he's said he eventually wants more kids b/c he's always felt that his kids are his life, and I just told him about having an abortion, which he was sad about. But I can't imagine him wanting to have a replacement baby with me if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. So why is he wanting to take the risk of having unprotected sex?

I don't know if this is the right board for this kind of topic, but I wasn't sure where else to post...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 11:05pm
Are you telling me that he wants no contraception at all? Not even having you on the pill?
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 12:49am

I think I remember your post here some time back (wondering if you should tell him or not); if it wasn't you, it was someone with the same scenario (so, if I'm mistaken, please let me know). If it was you, based on what was said back then ... many of us encouraged you to know your true motivation for telling him is, if you decided to tell him ... that said, since you decided to tell him ... I still have to ask, what was your motivation for doing so?

<< Well, we talked alot, and he's still very hesitant to be anything but friends with me (not ready for a serious relationship this soon after getting out of his marriage), but even after telling him about getting pregnant, he still is wanting to have sex, and isn't that concerned with birth control.

So, I'm really confused...>>

I'm not sure what's confusing. That is, without knowing what your motivation/intention was for telling him.

I can only conclude that you're confused because, you thought that if you told him since you've << remained on great terms, still occasionally flirty >> ... that by providing knowledge of a significant event, that it would give you a "bond" ... and that would offer you something of signficance by which to form a relationship?

Thing is, relationships aren't born out of an event ... they're born out of a desire and motivation to be with each other.

<< Does not want me as his girlfriend...but still wants to have sex...isn't worried about birth control...even knowing about my abortion...which he was really sad about...because he loves his kids so much and wished that we had been able to have the baby.>>

He's saying he wants you as a friend ... one whom he's fine with having sex with. Sex doesn't equal a relationship, nor does sharing knowledge of a terminated pregnancy. What he's saying is that the abortion doesn't change your status with him, in his point of view. People (who know what they want) don't change their wants, goals, etc because of what others did, do, say or said ... people change their wants, goals when/if they're motivated to re-evaluate what they want in their life. And right now, it would seem that he doesn't want a GF, but is completely fine with having a sex partner.

I guess I'm not sure why you thought that if you told him about the abortion that he'd want to a relationship?

I suppose I'll have to wait for further input from you in regard to your motivation for telling him, 6 mos later, before I can comment further.

As for << So why is he wanting to take the risk of having unprotected sex? >>

Why he's willing to take that risk doesn't matter. This isn't confusing, either. If you're not willing to have unprotected sex, then ... this is simple. You dont have sex with him. Why he's willing doesn't matter. It doesn't mean that he wants more kids NOW and if you get pregnant again, as a result of having unprotected sex ... that he'd be delighted and thrilled about it ... it means that he doesn't fear the consequences either way. If you do get pregnant, he'd take on the obligation as he already has three kids whom he has sole custody of ... so, obviously, he's not afraid of the responsiblity of children. But, that too, doesn't mean that if you did get pregnant and had his child, that he'd want a relationship with you, EVEN WITH THAT. Why? Because he knows he's capable of being a "good dad" and doing right by them ... that he can be obligated to them without being obligated to you (as evidenced by the fact that he's no longer with or obligated to his ex-wife).

So, if you don't want to have children outside of a relationship, then ... don't have sex with him. Because, he's very clearly saying that, whatever results from those consequences, that's he's fine with taking on the responsiblity of children without obligating himself to their mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 2:49pm

His actions are telling you this. I'm horny. I want to have sex with you. You'll have an abortion, so I dont' care about contraception or you. It's amazing how he wants to have sex again, after HE stopped coming around.

It's not too confusing.

Sorry if that was harsh, but the truth is harsh sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 3:04pm

If you could take "you" of this equation a second...and let's go over the story.

There's this guy and girl that work together - lots of flirtation but no dating. The guy has custody of his kids, his job, and a whole life full of obligations. So the flirtation at work is attention and adoration he doesn't have much of - without obligation.

After awhile, the girl and the guy decide to start doing the deed. She started talking about thinsg they'd do and places they'd go - and he stopped wanting to do the deed. So they remained friendly at work with no hard feelings, and still a little flirtation.

The girl ended up knocked up, didn't want to tell him, got an abortion because that was how she felt her life would best be handled...and finally she told him one night when he came over, wanting more sex.

He wasn't mad and he wasn't sad - he had 3 kids at home to raise and support and has all the obligation and responsiblity he can handle. So he wants to have more sex, but he still doesnt want to date, and isn't concerned about birth control.

What is his problem? He has no problem. He has found someone that has no problem hanndling any inconveiences or upsets that "htey" create by her own time, effort, and expense. She has no problem remaining flirtous and friendly at work - because she likes attention and adoration without obligation as well. She likes sex, he likes sex - and he doesn't wnt a relationship or to date, so having "just sex" is great - particularly with a girl who'll handle any ooposies at her own expense and effort.

He has NEVER EVER considered you for a date or as a potential partner...you've been an available source of sex that has proven responsible to your own destiny - by not wanting to be a single parent, not bothering him, and paying for an abortion.

He's knows you'd do that again - if you had another oopsie.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 6:54pm

"So why is he wanting to take the risk of having unprotected sex? "

That's a really good question. For a guy who loves his kids so darned much and says they're his life, he sure isn't concerned at all about providing them or anymore that come along a stable loving two parent family. He isn't concerned about THEM at all, he's concerned about getting his jollies. Frankly his attitude and behavior to all of this is disgusting. A tragedy occoured and a baby is dead. So lets hop into bed and make that mistake twice!? You're right, this doesn't add up. There's some bullpoo that needs called somewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 8:27pm

Well, if a "baby is dead" that's dependent upon your beliefs regarding the 'beginning of life".

I suspect to this man, the child is not a child of value until it is physically born. At that point, he'll begin to involve with the child because of his standards, and his desire for attention, appreciation, etc.

But until then, it's a fetus....and he has no obligation to a fetus. Particularly as, let's get real here....she's not the only one he's sleeping around with, he figures she's sleeping around as well - that's why SHE aborted it on her own decision and dime, she's not sure who the father is and is ethical enough not to depose responsiblity off onto the first "willing party" to accept obligation.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 10:26pm

Ladies,

Lets me fair here. I mean first off I think its best to keep our individual beleifs about abortion off this board. That can messy!

Secondly, lets be fair, I dont remember this person ever saying she was sleeping with anyone else, and that she wasnt sure who the father was. If I missed a post in the past then I apologize for that.

But I do agree this guy isnt worth a dime!! He is obviously a very careless, irresponsible idiot to live his life this way. Did he ever stop to think about his other 3 children, and how him fathering another womans baby would affect them?? I think NOT!!

I may have my own issues right now, but I sure can see clear enough to know this man has to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 10:58pm

<> .... << A tragedy occoured and a baby is dead. So lets hop into bed and make that mistake twice!? >>

1) You're projecting your opinion as to what kind of father he is, based on YOUR beliefs. Which is fine, you're most certainly entitled to that opinion; however, to say that he isn't concerned about his kids ... well, that's a projection and an exagerration (after all, you don't know this man, so how can you say that he's not a good father ... that's your projection based on your beliefs of what an "ideal" family is).

I'll take OP's word for it that he's a good dad. (which has nothing to do with her or her issue). The "loving two parent stable family" comment is ideal, but ... being a single parent has NO bearing on a person's ability to be a good parent and provider with or without the "ideal" two parent household.

Thus, if your opinion of divorce is that people should stay in unhappy, unstable marriages just "for the sake of the kids" ... it's fine to have that opinion, too. But, there's a world outside of "ideal" out there and often it IS better for the kids to be with one parent than TWO in an environment where mom and dad are arguing, bickering and such.

2) As for the tragedy, that is also your opinion ... but, it is OFF TOPIC. If you want to get into the abortion topic, pull up OPs old thread ... it was well-debated. Better yet, go to the debates board.

The topic at hand here isn't his parenting or her abortion ... the topic at hand is OP, how she handled the situation, what her motivation/intention with this guy is, what her expectations are, and how WE can assist her in understanding the difference between "no strings sex" and what it takes to build a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 11:07pm

I'd agree - abortion is a topic that involves heated debate about religious beliefs and feeilngs - neither of which have resolution as nobody's are the same...and quite often very opposed.

and I'm really not saying that she's sleeping with someone else either. She probably is not.

But here's the "objective rational factual assessment" (based on what she provided of course) and this is typically how men view things - they're less prone to assumption, projection, and intention assessment.

She was willing to sleep with him without being dated. She likes casual sex. He was after casual, no obligation sex, because he never attempted to date her, and when he wanted to end the sexual activities, she did - without upset, and continued flirtation.

So for a considerable period of time.....here's pretty much all he knew. That she liked him or his appearance enough to have no obligation sex...and she does that becuase "she likes sex". She's willing to have sex without being dated, she doesn't check partners for disease history or protection, so she's probably very well versed at the ropes of casual sex....becuase she likes sex.

He got that impression because when he proposed it - she siad yes rather than "I don't do that, but I'd love to date you if you're wanting ot date." Which he wasn't.

So from his objective review of what he knew - she likes sex, doesn't mind casual sex, when he quit having sex with her she probably started doig it with someone else if she wasn't already having sex iwth other people. Nobody had obligation, nor was there discussion regarding exclusivity.

He's now proposing resumption of sexual activity - for his own needs. He's found few willing partners for "Just sex" - most want to be dated, he has no time or inclination for it. He approaches and is told about the abortion.

she's claiming it's his, he doesn't know that, and obviously now it is a moot point. So back to what i came for - more sex please, what about it, condom, don't need it - you didn't want it last itme and I like it unprotected, it feels better for me.

I think that's all it is - he wants sex, he likes unsheathed (but not unprotecteed against birth control) sex, she's been willing to have just sex....and has shown no external manifestation to him of upset about his lack of desire to date her, or continue the sex on a regular basis.

HE seeking her services....which is precisely what he was always seeking.

The female version of these facts has her going "But I've never done this before, I wouldn't have done it with him except we had all this chemistry and flirtation, I'm not this sort of girl and if he'd just stick around long enough he'd know that."

For him to believe any of that - he'd have to know her character, which he has no interest in involving with - he wants no obligation, unsheathed, casual sex.

He's finding few people in the phone book listing that as a service they provide. HE'd found a free service.....he's going to avail himself of it.

He's not WRONG to do it. HE doesnt' want to date, he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want another woman raising his children. Admittedly, he is being awfully stupid about the 'unsheathed" aspect.

But, I suspect that comes from him being about 40 years old. Because in his hey-day of casual sex....there was no such thing as AIDS/HIV to give cause to concern. In his day, as I know i am from his time if this is accurate, all the girls were on the pill. The way it worked them was PRECISELY in the self-responsible way it worked now. Teh girl was on the pill because the girl didn't wnat to get stuck raising children - rather than going to school, or getting married first, or doing whatever it is she had in mind. So guys didn't wear condoms.....they'd hardly heard of them. "protection" was all about pregnancy prevention, adn the girls had an infinitely more vested interestedin "not getting knocked up" - than the boys, so the girls took the pill.

He's unfamiliar with the AIDS/HIV/Herpes reality. He's been married and monogamous all this time. And...if he hasn't been mnonogamous - he would have worn a condom in that sense in order to ensure his health yes, but more about duble prevention of pregnancy - how to get labeled an adulterer, lose yoru kids and taken to the bank is done in just that irresponsible manner.

So he's not as familiar with protection as it relates to disease. But statistically speaking, the distribution of birth control pills went down dramatically about 16 years ago. It didn't matter if the pill was being used, everybody wore a condom because of HIV?AIDS. Why would a girl force herself ot gain weight, bloat, get acne, etc. to eliminate pregnancy possiblit - when he was giong to wear a condom anyway.

That trend has sparked more innovation in birth control - shots, rings, etc. etc. Because the medical community is trying to make women more aware as young women of 16 to 25 - there is more to do than prevent disease. If he's not diseased, and you use it to prevent disease and pregnancy - if the condom breaks - you're knockedup possibly. So the fate that girls now 40 wnated to avoid...the girls today don't consider it thier obligation to avoid...and therefore young pregnancy is on the rise again.

So he's just probably unaware that "unsheathed" is unacceptable. If she still wants to continue to have just sex with him...she could. I'd ask him for his disease free release from his physician, and obviously demand he be sheathed at all future encounters. That's for her protection, and his....but it might get him some well-needed education in light of his having and raising 3 children.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 12:12am

I am with Erin, he is not giving conflicting anything. He took a break and a pause from casual sex from you and came back. To me it is,what man wouldn't;t when it comes to dating heck if it was me as a woman I would choose it. I have done the FWB/casual sex thing and I loved it. When dating is like it is you get, ok and bad ok to relieve some tension the sex from someone who is giving it no strings seems perfect.


Now, back to Erin, is he wrong for want no strings attached not defining what he wants, (the all time most men love) sex with no protection. NO!!!!!!!!!!! He has someone who remedied the situation before he had to decide and if the situation arises again and he gets a feeling of a mishap happened or she tells him then if he disappears he will be ok because she did it before.


If she doesn't then I can argue entrapment latter. She figured on purpose that getting pregnant though I figured she was on birth control later. Or just hay let me get custody of this child also and allow her to pay ME child support.


Again I ask the OP, what was your motive in telling him of the abortion?

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