Is it work or an excuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Is it work or an excuse?
6
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:29pm

Hi All:

So me & my guy V have been dating again since Thanksgiving. We were HS sweethearts & totally ended all ties 10 years ago. I'm now 26 & he's 28. We're both in the professional business world. He's into finance & a professor & I'm in marketing. When we first started dating we would talk via IM all the time & he'd call me on his way home from work even if he was stuck at the office until late, etc. We see each other every weekend & were seeing each other during the week as well. However, while spending all this time w/each other we'd find each other bickering over the dumbest things. We'd say that perhaps we should take things slower & see what happens but then decided that we didnt want to be apart.

Now he's got a huge project & things have shifted. He has NO time to talk to me via IM, he's started teaching again so hanging out during the week is very difficult, he's been staying at the office until well past midnight & he calls me from there so I know he's not lying but the amount of calls have drastucally declined, etc. I didnt even see him all last week. I saw him Sunday and then not again until Friday night. However, I still sleep at his place on the weekends so atleast there's that.

The problemm is that I dont know if he's being distant b/c of work & his stress level or if he wants out. I mean we've been arguing & when I left him a message this weekend he didnt call me back saying that he didnt call b/c he didnt want to argue. Then when I left his place on Saturday he was like okay bye & he didnt hug me or kiss me good bye but then texted me about what a great time he had with me that weekend. Then he called me later & was all happy to talk to me. Then yesterday I called him at the office & he was like I'm really busy I will call u bk & he did but I felt he felt obligated. He asked me to pls understand where he's coming from & how stressed he really is but I feel that perhaps it's more that that. I'm trying to be understanding & if it was only the work thing I would back off but it's how he didnt call me bk that night, he didnt kiss me goodbye that day, he hasnt texted me just b/c, etc....what do you all think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:45pm

The man works in finance and is also a teacher and you are questioning if he is stressed? How would you feel if it were the other way around? You know he has a project at work yet you call and he says he is busy but will call you back feel only did so out of obligation, no he didn’t he could have just ignored or even say he forgot but know he figured maybe you wanted something (the reason you called) and he called you back. Why be on his case a hug, a call back, has you worried he is not interested. Ok, let me tell you he isn’t. He is interested in his career, he is interested in a project he is working, he is interested in things outside of you. Now just because you have every evening and time alone to relax and your time alone to do what ever you do to relive stress does not mean he does. I thinking your actions will push him in the direction of being disinterested in you. Nothing worse then someone who is being selfish and self centered to run you away because they are not well enough to see your priorities.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:45pm

I had a similar problem with my boyfriend since he started his first 40hr/week office job this year. He went from calling me every few hours just to check in to only calling once a day if at all (but still emailed me to say hi once in a while)

Anyway, my advice is to not stress out too much about it. He is likely stressed out and tired from all that he has on his plate. Whereas we women tend to look for moral support from our SO, I've noticed that men do the opposite.

I'm not sure I understand it completely, but I wouldn't worry too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:59pm
I suppose that if it was this way from the beginning it would be easier for me to adapt but being that he was available in the beginning and now he has to give his 100% attention to something else it's a little difficult. I am trying to be supportive and not a naggy g/f. I decided that I wont call him unless he calls me since he is the one with the busy schedule. I just feel like where there is a will there is a way and if he really missed me he would call me at lunch or while driving from the office to school. I know I would but I guess that's why I'm a girl and he's a guy : /
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 4:22pm
If his plate is as full as you said missing you has nothing to do with him calling you. Heck I miss my guy and when we do not talk but I don't figure he will do it at lunch. Maybe because I know when I am busy at work and have deadlines that breaks and lunch I may be on but I am still thinking about work or the hundreds of other things I have to take care of. Doesn't mean I don't care about him but I have to have my priorities straight. Can't be drifting off thinking oh I can wait till I get a break so I can call him. Heck I would missed something in that meeting or conference call. I am going to leave this alone because you haven't gotten that busy yet but one day you will see.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 4:33pm
Actually I've gotten that busy. I'm actually a project manager for the 3 largest marketing research firm in the nation. There are days whenI am swamped and can't even reach for the phone but I can tell you this much where there is a will there is a way. I call it multi tasking. He can work and teach and find two mins to send a text message and I know that. I'm a certain way and I assumed he was similar in that aspect but it is clear that he isn't so now decisions need to be made obviously. This is the hard part : /
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 7:16pm

What I see is that you want certain things from a relationship and he is not at a point in his life where he's able to give that to you the way you want.

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