why do I even care?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-30-2006 - 6:45pm |
I met a guy about 3-4 weeks ago that I really liked. We hit it off at first, but things soon cooled down. Turns out he told a mutual friend last week that he wasn't "feeling me" because I seemed to think it was "all about me."
Ok. here's the situation. I live smack dab in the downtown area of a major city. Because I would have to pay about $200 more per month for parking at my apartment, ridiculous taxes, a serious lack of parking throughout the city, and public transportation, I don't have a car. I'm only 22, don't live in a suburb, so haven't been bothered by my decision for the most part. However, the guy I'm seeing or WAS seeing lives over 20 miles away in the suburbs. When we first started dating he would have to come to the city or he would pick me up and take me all the way back to where he lives. Supposedly, because of this he thought I wasn't putting much effort and he got annoyed. Is he being unreasonable or am I being inconsiderate? I'll admit that I expected him to put in a certain amount of effort. In the past I never required much from the guys I dated. I thought this time around I was going to make a guy to actually 'court me.' So all I want to know is? who's being unreasonable? me or him? I need to know so I can decide whether or not to try and make amends some how or just forget about him?

I think you're onto a good idea conceptually - you just didn't think it thru factually.
You're wanting a guy to make an "investment" in being with you - you're saying you've always been hanging around on other people's terms, for their benefit and need - and you were pretty much dismissed or considered a fixture in past relationships.
So now you're wanting a guy to show that he "wants" to spend time getting to know you, be around you - so you're wanting him to make plans, make dates, pick up the tab, and you might or might not have the "sex" activity in there in play as a weapon/tool/carrot stick.
But I think you just didn't really realize the whole picture - because as you said you've lived in the city most of your life and hung out with people from there.
But this guy is driving 40 miles (which is however much a gallon, plus whatever time it takes to drive) just to see you....plus whatever driving he does when you two go out. And he's paying the tab for meals and movies - as it should be.
So while you didn't realize it - what he aws doing was investing in "the element of the relationship".........relationship being used as a term here in loose connotation.
In his view....he's got to get osmething "worthy" of all this investment....his time, his money - which is at least twice as much per date as someone who could take the bus to your place, and you two walk or take the bus to wherever you want to go.
On the flip side - there wasn't much you could do to alleviate his transportation time/expense (which he undertook completely on his own volition) other than allow him to stay overnight - or you find a way to go to him occasionally.
I think it's just a situation whre both of you are only viewing it primary from "my side of the fence" - based on based experiences and present needs and expectations.
He's going "I've never driven this far and taken this much time away from my other interests and friends and put out so much money - just to take someone to dinner."
You better be extremely interesting, intelligent, fascinating in order to merit that. The "goodness" of you as a person has to be individually determined by the people you interact with.
and you're going "I've never been pursued - I've always been hung around, this must be what it's like - lots of preparation, presentation, and prioritization by him in orderto wine, dine, romance me".
That's the thing....he's not dating "you"...he's dating and it happens to be you. And nobody factored in 40 miles, probably at least an hour's drive if not more each time, plus the expenses involved.
Time is really more the issue than money. It's an hour he spends "on you" - that he's not with you...and that he's not with his other friends, or involved in other goals or pursuits either.
From his side, he figured you weren't letting him stay over, you weren't coming to him...and so you wanted to be wined, dined, pursued, and romanced - while you were wanting to be prioritized like a princess - you aren't one.
He's just unaware because he's never been involved with you before - that you didn't have the experience to take into account he additional investment the distance requires on his part...and make some considerations or concessions regarding it.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
My dear... you are young, I would just move on. At this age, guys don't like to be inconvienced to a certain point. Since you don't have any really good mode of transportation, it makes it difficult to have any kind of RL with this guy. This guy is being somewhat reasonable in his actions. Granted that's not your fault, but you should understand if you had a car and could go anywhere, and your guy didn't...wouldn't that make you feel inconvienced that you would have to go seem him all the time? I know I would. A RL is a two way 50/50 street, you need to learn to compromise and do stuff on that basis. If one partner has a hard time doing that or it's almost impossible...then it's really not going to work. If you feel the need to try and make it work, check the bus routes and subways...see if there's places that you can meet that's half way...or see if you can get a taxi to his house. Trying to make a guy court you in your situation is extremely difficult.
As you get older, you may want to think about getting a car. You may need to get some roomates or an an additional job, but in order for you to be able to see guys outside of a 5 mile area, you need better transportation. If you are still talking with this guy, explain the situation to him on how you feel about things, and if you want to continue. If he blows you off, just move on to bigger an better things. You'll be ok!
That's interesting, and something I was dealing with, with my bf too.
I had to be blunt with my bf about how I felt taken advantage of, and used. Because his justification was that he drove 50 miles a day for work and he didn't want to put miles on his car, but i guess, he felt fine putting it on mine. Point is........he was being self-centered about it. And I wonder if you were too.....or not.
First, I guess, your story would have to depend on what YOU did for him. Did you make any efforts to see him? Did you offer him gas money? Did you offer to take public transportation to ever meet him halfway? If not, then yes, I'd say you were expecting too much.
Second. I'd wonder, did you let him know why you don't have a car and that you expect to be picked up, or driven around, because of your lack of transportation? That might've been a good head's up.
If you did do all of the above, and made your appreciation known, then unfortuanately, he jsut didn't think it was worth it. If you didn't, next time, think outside your box. Or date ppl ONLY in the city.
What have you done for me lately?