Meeting Parents
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| Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:03pm |
When is it too soon to meet parents?
Last weekend, J, introduced me to his parents. For a long time he told me how super religious his mom is, how she likes to drill him over every detail of his personal life, how his dad is a push-over and what not. So needless to say I was a bit nervous to meet them. Well, last weekend after we got back from being out of town, we pulled up in his driveway and he dragged me inside to meet him mom and dad. (His brother works with us.) The first thing his mom said to me was "So you are the one that kidnapped our son all weekend." Whoa!!! Talk about rude! So we ripped off that bandage....now it's my turn right??
Well when I brought up the idea of meeting my grandparents (they pretty much raised me) he seemed hesitant. I understand that....usually the meeting of parents means something serious. We talked about it later and he said it was actually ok with him.
So we've been invited to dinner with my grandparents and my mom this Friday. I told him and now he's acting like that's not possible...like it's too fast. Keep in mind that I haven't told him anything bad...other than my mom isn't exactly the most supportive of me all the time but hey that's how moms are.
Heck, I've met his parents, his brother, his friends, his friends parents, his friends kids, his friends siblings....and he's met...one friend of mine from work. What gives?
Is this a warning flag or am I over-reacting? Is it really too soon to meet parents?
I should add that I gave him an out if he starts to feel uncomfortable at dinner, offered to drive, and told him to just be himself.

Toughie.
Thanks for the reply Sandra.
Since I hadn't read any replies when he came over on Tuesday and I mentioned it again. He said he hadn't reallly thought about. I said "well, I don't want to pressure you or anything but it means a lot to me to have you meet my family. It doesn't have to be this weekend but sometime soon. Okay?" (My grandpa is my best-friend, and I'm extremely close to both my grandma and mom.) He said he would let me know tonight, as we've been invited for dinner tomorrow. So I called him tonight and jokingly said "So what time do I need to pick you up tomorrow?" His response was that he would need time to get a shower after work, a hair-cut, and pack his over-night bag before he left. I was shocked.
He's actually coming to dinner. I really didn't think he would make it this week. Knowing that he knows how important it is for my family and him to meet, and the fact that he's going to do it just means the world to me. I couldn't be happier.
I talked to his best-friend last night and mentioned that I wasn't sure where we were because he never talks about it, he wasn't giving me an answer on meeting my family, and I can't tell when he's joking or serious about things. I said I was starting to worry that I was pushing to hard, something I try not to do. Z, his best-friend, said that he has heard J and I talking late at night out at his house, and from conversations with J, he can tell that J really cares about me, and slowly but surely he is letting his guard down, but he's scared and doesn't really trust anyone. So, although it's upsetting that after knowing for the few months, he doesn't trust more then he does, it is re-assuring to know that he is letting his guard down and letting me get closer.
So...anyway...I will update ya'll after the weekend on how things go tomorrow night. :D
Happy days.
Meeting parents really doesn't indicate there is any commitment to you, or anything else.
I think you'd do well to stop thinking of this like high school as if one event or situation has to mean the same thing to everybody on the planet - dontcha know!
All he said was that his mother is "super religious". He wasn't making a negative statement per se...he was telling you his view of his mother's lifestyle and opinions.
He took you there - and here's why:
Mom drills him about everything and is up in his business - she won't "treathim like an adult" - because around her he won't conduct himself like one. He's taking after his dad - whaever placates and appeases her - he does it - to get her off his back, so he go about his business.
She's been harping and carping, I want to meet the girl.....and so he figured out a way to make it happen in a non-event format. Dragging you in the house for a quick second after a long-weekend where he wanted to get home and wouldn't sit there all night to placate and appease - he rushed you thru the formalities of "being introduced".
She made her little comment - which you took to be negative....might not hve been. Immature nad insecure people tend to bias what they hear other people say - in waht they'd mean if they said it, coupled with a lack of self-esteem. That is easily what causes him to think she's "super religious" - he simply means she doesn't agree with what he does, and he doesn't either...so he pawns it off on her as being "judgemental and religious" - good reason to avoid her.
So you two met....very quick, informal, hurried meeting - and he hustled you back out the door. He's now got his mother off hi back. She's seen you, you exist, and now he can go back to not getting these phone calls at work 2-3 times a week now saying 'I have a right to see this woman that you're living with."
See, she runs his dad's life...and he's just like dad.
But this was NOT taking you to his family introducing you as his intended and betrothed becuase he admires and respect you as aperson an dit's a privilege an dhonor to affiliate iwth osmeone of your character. He draggedyou in - dragged you out - to appease her.
But you've taken this to mean that since he 'took you there' - it means he loves you, cares about, wants commitment an to make a future. You then proceed to set up a meeting with your "important people" - that have to give the blessing and approval - as far as you're concerned.
Possibly they've been more discretely inquiring if he'd be coming over anytime with you, or to the next family event or holiday....and your view was "not till he introduces me to his parents, that means he loves me and there is a commmitment".
So you've been drug thru his parents introduction like a painting he's ashamed of - quick bring it in, unveil it - get it out.....and now you want him to meet your important people.
he's now saying "wait"....he's smart. He knows if he meets them the next thing you'e going to assume and start discussing is "the future, the commitment'...and there isn't one.
He didn't take you home because he loves you or becuase he's committed - he took you home to appease his mother'ss demands like the little boy he is.
And little boys can't make commitments at all, and they're not allowed to play with people thier mother doesn't at least know not just know of.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Wow. I've read most your posts wingblade and they all seem to be anti-men, anti-relationship. You must have had a bad experience causing you to be so negative and causing you to rain on everyone's parade, trying to make them just as miserable as you come across. (Not saying you are just that you come across that way, or maybe I'm mis-reading the posts.)
"I think you'd do well to stop thinking of this like high school as if one event or situation has to mean the same thing to everybody on the planet - dontcha know!"
I don't think that me meeting his parents or vice-versa means we are getting married or in a super committed relationship. Rather I think that meeting families is a way of saying this person is in my life, and important to me (on whatever level). I don't assume to know what he thinks about meeting parents but rather the initial post simply asked for some insight on why the confusing messages.
"See, she runs his dad's life...and he's just like dad."
You don't know him, you don't know his dad, you don't his mom...so don't pressume to "know" that he's just like dad. He is NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING like his dad, except for the anatomy, name, and hair color.
"She made her little comment - which you took to be negative....might not hve been. Immature nad insecure people tend to bias what they hear other people say - in waht they'd mean if they said it, coupled with a lack of self-esteem."
You don't know the tone she used, and you ASSUMED wrong once again, that I took her tone to be negative. I simply was amazed at the "set" she had to say that before saying hello, yes, I did think it rude to say that first but...looking back on it now, I realize that wasn't meant in an accusatory way. And talk about immature and insecure people....talk a long look at yourself. ("Lashing out" at me the way you seem to have done, and the other people that you "seem" to have done this too, makes me think that you are insecure in your own right.)
"But you've taken this to mean that since he 'took you there' - it means he loves you, cares about, wants commitment an to make a future. You then proceed to set up a meeting with your "important people" - that have to give the blessing and approval - as far as you're concerned."
He does care for me, otherwise he wouldn't call after doc appointments, or ask how the job search is going, or tell me he cares. I haven't taken his actions to mean anything that he hasn't said they mean. I've even asked him what meeting his parents meant...he said it meant that I've met them, they know who I am, and I know who they are. He's in a relationship with me and we'll see where it goes and what it turns in to or doesn't. Again you assumed something about me you didn't know. As far as "have to give the blessing and approval" again an assumption....I do care what my family says...but to a degree...just because someone gives advice doesn't mean it's taken. If they don't "approve" oh well....something that is their problem not mine. I'm happy, that's all that matters right?
"he's now saying "wait"....he's smart. He knows if he meets them the next thing you'e going to assume and start discussing is "the future, the commitment'...and there isn't one."
Again, an assumption on your part. We've already discussed the future at his prompting. Yes, I would like there to be a future with us...do I assume there is one, no, I don't. But I won't lie, I would like a future with him, he's the best man I've ever been with. I love him, I enjoy my time with him, I look forward to that first kiss after being apart, and I look forward to that last kiss of the night. He's great.
Nothing I said that was directly aimed at you was meant as an attack, rather as an observation. You assumed an awful lot about me and J, stuff that you have know way of knowing unless you know me and him, which you don't.