Another post on insecurity
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| Tue, 01-31-2006 - 11:01pm |
This is similar to another post on here that was recently placed. I feel so insecure with this new relationship and am just, frusterated.
I've been on 5 or so dates with this guy. We met new year's eve- started as a ONS, but lead to a 1st date. From there we decided to take things slow. He really liked that and we were doing quite well, though was difficult. On the 4th date we ended up having sex again. In bed, afterwards, I brought up how bad we were at "taking things slow" and he said "too be honest I thought we would take things slower. not that i'm complaining."
Well, 5th date- he's late and I voice my annoyance with this. He kind of acts scared of me- and I joke and say "hey, i'm not a scary person. i just thought you were going to stand me up and I was hurt." Anyway, we talked things over. Kind of- he's shy and fully admits this and knows it's tough for me, who's a very outgoing person. BUt anyway, we sort it out and end up having what I think is a nice date.
The only problem- he wouldn't kiss me. All evening-he'd hold my hands, caress my shoulders, was super affectionate and sweet. But wouldn't kiss me. I gave him a kiss at one point and he kind of half kissed me back but pulled away. At the end of the date, we were on my couch while he was calling for a cab to go home and when i went to kiss him again, he kept pulling away.
When he left it was very, awkward. He wasn't saying much and so I said "well, i had a really nice time tonight." and he said "oh, i did too." and then he kissed me, and it was very passionate. But then, he wouldn't say anything, while standing at the door. So I said "well, i guess we'll talk later?" and he said "yup, later." and we said goodnight and such.
Basically, i feel so insecure with this "relationship." I hate that at the end of every date I feel this doubt that he will call me. But at the end of this last one, he didn't say his usual "i'll call you" thing. So a part of me keeps thinking "he was scared off by me being annoyed at him being late and now has completely lost interest in me."
At the same time, I can't help wondering if he was just scared to kiss me because he wanted to really try taking it slower and knew that the more we kissed, the more likely we'd end up in bed at the end of the night. Perhaps he's really build a solid relationship based on more than sex- which I also want, but can't help but feel rejected when he is acting this way.
I don't know. Again, feeling insecure. I'm a very independent, confident and outgoing girl. Not that i'm never shy or feel self-doubt- but I think I have a good balance in my life and well, I'm just not used to feeling this insecure when it comes to things like this. I got out of a 4 year relationship about 5 months ago, so re-new to all this dating stuff.
After 5 dates, is it safe to say that this is a relationship that I'm best to just not be in? I mean, isn't it a bit odd to feel this kind of insecurity and doubt at this stage when I should be having fun and just enjoying casual dating?
I left a voicemail for him on Sunday evening- just saying hey and saying that i was calling to see how his weekend went. That is my move and I'm going to leave things in his court, so to speak. If he doesn't call me by this weekend, then I'm going to take that as a sign that he did lose interest and well, I can get past this. Just, geez, frusterating. I'd prefer to communicate with him about this then to rant on a message board and ask for advice and thoughts this way. *sigh*

Ok...to me, the root of your insecurity is the fact you slept with him so soon, thereby creating a "relationship" where none should exist yet. At this point (only five dates in), he should just be a guy you're dating and getting to know, not someone you're in a relationship with.
It is completely NORMAL to have lots of uncertainty early on in a potential relationship...that's what dating is all about! You're getting to know the person, seeing if the two of you are compatible...there's no commitment and no expectations. But because you slept with him, you created expectations and increased your level of emotional attachment beyond what would be usual for the early stages of dating (which most women do--it's not like you're alone in doing this) and it made you much more vulnerable.
If he does call again, and you keep sleeping with him before there's some sort of commitment (and it's really too soon to expect that there will be), you'll continue to have a heightened level of fear and doubt, because you've invested more than is appropriate at this early point.
Sheri
I hear ya on that one. Men really confuse me too. I'm kinda in the same boat with you, just got out of a long RL myself, and dating is really scary for me. Honestly from what you said, I would write this new guy off and move on. I wouldn't really call it a RL because the guy seems to only have interest in dating right now, and the fact that you had sex with him early on. It's possible that he was just lookin to have sex and run, I dunno.
It's understandable that you feel insecure about this whole thing, I know I would. Even coming off of a long RL, with certain expectations in the way you were used to. Another thing to consider is that it hasn't been that long since you ended your RL, and people need time to grief, mourn, and get over that person. After 4 years of being with someone, it takes a lot longer than 5 months to be completely over someone. It's only been a month for me, but I know that I need to move on with my life, and it's going to take time for me to heal from all the mess.
Granted you feel the need to meet new guys, and get back out there cause your lonely, and you need to fill that void somehow, but you need to take time for yourself to get back to normal. I know that you don't want the disapointment and the hurt, and the feelings of insecurity. My advice would be this...write this guy off completely. Move on with your life, if he calls you great, ask him what his deal is and what he wants out of you two and where he sees it going, say your piece to him and decide if it's worth pursuing. You deserve better than someone who doesn't call you, or lacks interest, don't waste your time.
"Take it slow" has NOTHING to do with sex.
Take it slow is about getting emotionally attached and committed and intertwined with someone as an entity - vs. as an individual - and sometimes if you affiliate sex with love or commitment - you tend to believe sex causes or entitles you to be considered, prioritized, or attended to.
All he meant by "take it slow' - was let's get to know one another before we start relying on each other, thinking each other is "part of the other person's life".
He didn't necessarily mean "let's not have sex until we have established respect, admiration, trust, and acceptance of one another as individuals and have determined that we're both headed by personal choice to the same destinations in life, by the same methods."
What he meant was "don't think that us getting physical and sexually satisfied means that I care about your feelings, your needs, or that your problems are my problem, or that your feelings are a result of my actions."
Dating is about enjoying "the moment" - whatever that moment allows that both of you agree to. It's about getting to know one another over time nad planned and unstructured interaction.
Some people date to find partners in life...but plenty of people date for fun, sex, companionship and conversation "in this moment in time".
So basically, you've learned something about you here...the second you have sex you believev that you're entitled to be considered equally with them regarding your feelings, needs, expectations....even though they don't know your character or your values or your priorities yet.
That's why you keep getting disappointed....nobody having sex with you is agreeing to anything but giving/receiving physical gratification.
So the guy is late....if he has a legit reason - accept that things happen such as last minute projects at work, or flat tires.
IF he's late without a good reason...it doesn't mean aything other than he's generally overscheduled or a procrastinator in general and he's not going to "hurry up" - just because YOU are involved.
You're not EVER trusting someone not to hurt you or disappoint you. YOu're trusting them to remain true to their character and values displayed to the point that yu began to involve and intertwine with them. So that when you two disagree - they're being them, you're being you - and nobody's being manipulated or played.
so the guy doesn't like to kiss....unless it leads to sex. If you'd stand back a second, is it possible you overlooked that reality before. That he did't do much kissig at all and you thought "it's because we're taking it slow' - nd post-sex you find out it's becuase "he doesn't kiss unless there is sex involved".
That's NOT that uncommon. Lots of people aren't touchy/feely unless there's sex involved......and lots of peple don't "passionately kiss" unless there is sex involved.
Of course, after 5 datesyou can't know his character well enough to know if he's worth staying involved with if you prioritize highly being "passionately kissed alot' - and he doesn't do it unless there's sex involved.
You have to make your own call on that. But stop thinking of him as your "boyfriend", or that he knows you as a person and is considering your needs and well-being at all times equally with his own.
He's a guy who thinks you're hot, smart, cute, and sexy and you've had sex with him......okay, great....if you've enjoyed everything you've done together up to now it's because you were "living in the moment" - so do more of that - stop "working for afuture".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com