Commitment vs. Marriage
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| Wed, 02-01-2006 - 6:35am |
The history. We met on the heels of bad relationships; he had just been left by his long time girlfriend and I was getting a divorce. (7 years married, 8 years “together,” 10 years as friends, amicable divorce. He had been divorced twice and had spent the past 7 years being stalked by an ex-girlfriend.)
To be honest we both assumed if anything “developed” it would be a re-bound relationship so we both went into it saying “just sex and good times, no more.” Over the course of the first six months we ended up falling in love with everything “about” each other... But we figured that would go away, that the novelty would fade eventually. We are both realists; we agreed that when it’s gone oh well, but for now we’ll enjoy the good times. Rebound relationships never work out….
So here we are; 6 years down the road; we have a house and mortgage and everything you could imagine in each others names, we lost a baby together, I’m raising his 12 year old son, he’s raised my two boys, I’m on his life insurance, I've got POA, we’re working on our wills, our families razz us about when we’ll tie the knot, and we’re still together, still enjoying being together, still happy together...
We talk about how many years it’ll be before my youngest is out of the house, the trucks we bought to rebuild for the boys when they are old enough to drive, and the fact that my Mom is getting savings bonds for his son’s college. Then we started getting serious about a remodel of our house, to make room for his son (we filed for custody about a year ago and it should be finalized this month.) My BF says “within a year we’ll never have to plan on moving again because this house will last for the rest of our lives!” casually he adds, “What are we going to do with three empty bedrooms when the boys move out?” and we start chatting about turning half the upstairs into a personal home theater, keeping one room for our guests, of course…
So I’m sitting here thinking what is wrong with me? I’ve got a great BF, he’s a West Point Graduate, supported my staying home with the boys and still does, wants me to follow my dreams and go back to college now that they are in school, we love spending time together, and talk almost non-stop. I trust him completely, I love being with him, around him, and I truly love him. Everything points to us being a perfect couple. Yet all I can think about is being “single” for the rest of my life. My head is telling me that we are never going to get married, that I need to leave him and find someone who can "commit," my heart says that I can't leave him, and logic says he's more committed then some husbands I know...
Why am I so twisted in knots about us getting married, enough that I am thinking about leaving him over it?

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Why am I so twisted in knots about us getting married, enough that I am thinking about leaving him over it?>>
Because marriage is a REAL commitment and shacking up is not. I know a lot of shacked up people say they have a "real" commitment - but no, they are kidding themselves. When a woman is willing to shack up with a guy, ever, even for 1 month - then she did her part in encouraging the guy to resist marriage. Shacking up really makes no logical sense since shacked up people are more likely to divorce after marrying than people who didn't shack up. The best thing for a woman to do with a man who won't marry is to say "NEXT!". Iri
I guess the question you need to ask is "are you happy"? Taking the whole marriage thing out of the picture, does he truely make you happy, do you think that marriage will solve any problems that you might have. Or is it just the age old thing where, "hey I'm in a long term RL, and I feel the need to get married to make it solid". I know that feeling, but you seem to have the upper hand in this case, you're in a better place than most women.
You two have had your share of past RL, with his seeming to be the worst, he's probably happy the way things are right now, and doesn't want to get into something that has hurt him in the past. Think about it like this, there are a lot of people that are BF/GF for many years, they live together, and act like they are married, but they aren't, and they are happy the way things are.
I just got out of a long RL, knowing that he wasn't ready nor could go any further than where the RL was at, and for me that wasn't enough. Plus there were other factors on his part that made me leave him. But from how I see it, your with someone that your almost married to anyways, you live together, you seem to be happy.
I think that if you left him, you would really regret it. You have been with him for a long time, and you seem to be happy with things. I know for me that if I were still in my past RL, and if we were living together and have been with him for a long time, he was a bit more mature and stable, and as long as I was happy I more than likely would have stay with him for a little while longer.
Maybe you need to talk to your BF, tell him your feelings on the matter, see what he thinks, but don't put pressure on him. I mean it's been 6 years, you would think that after that time a guy could make up his mind, but sometimes that past bitterness still effects him. I would give him some time to think about it.
I guess I don't understand why you *haven't* gotten married...surely the topic has come up at some point? What are the reasons?
Sheri
He's more committed to you now than a piece of paper and a ceremony will ever make many men, or has ever made many husbands, you lucky gal ;)
That being said, since you two are so committed to each other, have you talked to him about what's the big deal about going to the JOP and getting "properly hitched"?
I don't have any real advice, as I'm in a very similar situation. But I am very curious to see what everyone else says. I do think that there should be a certain amount of consideration on his part though. If something is really that important to you, shouldn't it at least be considered?
-CJ
I was just posting about this on another thread. First, I'd have to ask why you haven't married. What is his reasons, your's, etc? Is he afraid of marriage? Refuses to be married? Doesn't believe in it?
As for your question, "Why am I so twisted in knots about us getting married, enough that I am thinking about leaving him over it?" I would assume it's because, in your heart and soul, marriage means something to you. It's important. And you're beginning to realize you want it. Although, I would probably question myself WHY I want it.
for myself, marriage is one thing I value a lot. I would never be in a LTR if it didn't lead to marriage, or end in marriage. My max time is about 3 years, but I'm flexible. But I'd have to be married by 4 or right after the 4 year mark. After that, I'm walking. Because if he can't or won't marry me by then, it's not to say he doen't love me, or all that, but it means our VALUES are different. And values are something I need to have in common with my husband to be.
So, sit back, ask yourself if 1. marriage is important enough for you, that if you don't get it, you'd leave and 2. WHY is it important to you
Good luck.
Don't leave him over this yet. You've been together for six years and in all senses of the word married you are married. Marriage is more then a walk down an aisle, it's about two people deciding to run a house and both putting into it as much as they take. Marriage is about a man and a woman joining together and sharing a life. So ... by that definition you all have a marriage.
Talk to him about the "walk." Tell him how you feel, but do it in a way that is friendly, not pushing him to do something about it right away, that makes your feelings know but still leaves room for discussion.
Lady Mystri,
I agree with the posters who are asking about whether or not this has been discussed with your partner.
Like you, I am in a long term defacto relationship. We've been together for 13 years, have two kids (one of which is disabled), dog, mortgage, joint accounts .... the whole thing. And, of course, we have absolute commitment.
Importantly, we HAVE discussed marriage at length. In our case, we both decided that marriage isn't important to us. But both of us agreed that we would be prepared to marry if it was important to the other partner.
Living defacto is not for everyone (as the posts on this thread go to show). And it's certainly not for those who believe that long term defacto has less commitment than a formal marriage. In truth, I believe that it can only work when BOTH parties feel that a formal marriage would add nothing to the relationship....and this is quite rare in our society where a traditional marriage is still expected and sought after.
I suggest that you discuss how you feel with your partner. I would hope that if he knows how important it is to you that he would consider it.
Thats what my "husband" and I did. We found a pastor who would perform a symbolic wedding ceremony for us. He counseled us, and advised that this was serious, and for all intents and purposes (in a spiritual sense) we would be married when this was done, but that neither of us would have any "legal" standing as far as retirement, social security etc. But we wanted a marriage, and both having been seriously burned in past relationships/divorce, etc and living in a community property state, etc, we didnt want the "legal" tie. We may, at some point in the future get married "for real" but what we wanted was for US an no one else. As far as either of us are concerned, we are as married as anyone else, and there are only a handful of people who know that we didnt "really" get married. We had a small gathering of close family members, a cake and the whole bit. It was "perfect" to me.
Its all about what works for you.
Carrie
Let's see.....life has no guarantees, no safe havens - life isn't about "destinations" - the only destination is the grave.
It's in the journey, it's what you make of it, you're perception is your reality.
All that is very true....sounds like bunk, but it's true.
Marriage is about legal liability. Marriage is a legal thing, it's a court thing - most people don't equate "court" with "love".....except maybe one night stands that end them up being subjected to civil orders that totally change their futures.
What would you expect marriage would offer you tha this doesn't? Are you waiting to let your hair down, and your stomach pooch - is there an act you've been putting on all this time - and only now you are finding it out and admitting it to yourself? Or is there something you're really thinking "I can't do this until we're married, then I"m entitled, to, can do, etc. etc. etc."
What you've got....it's working. You could go out, get married tomorrow to someone else and find yourselves totally incompatible in 5 years, and splitting all the assets, the blanket, and upending your children from stable loving parental role models.
I think you want a "ceremony".......although you asking yourself why "marriage" as a reality does appela - what realistically do you think it'll offer that you haven't got now - is an excellent ide as well.
You're everything but 'legally married".....you're living a healthy, mature functional, successful relationship - most marriages aren't THAT!
Now, is what has you bothered that "to him the legalities don't matter"......if so, examine it with his input, without interrogation. To some people - they're not ones to allow social dictates to determine anything about "right or wrong to me" - those are the kind of people that easily have lovers openly while married - and the wife/husband know as well. This is 'righ for me" is thier stance -a nd they've had that all their lives. They take respnosiblity for what they do - and they're not letting societal norms dictate it.
Is it that the legalities don't matter because you've already shored up the legal realities. YOu have a ocntractual agreement about the house - in the event of a split. You keep your assets separate, and your money as well - you manage your money as individuals and jointly as you owuld while married anyway - but you're each financially secure in the event of a split?
Have you considered the reality "he doesnt value marriage" - people that have no positive value on an institution, object, or status can't see the 'value" in it?
Have you discussed with him openly and honestly without accusation how much you personally WANT to be married? It doesn't matter that you've changed off your original position - you have, and have you told him?
Would a "ceremony" work. Alot of people confuse a wedding, which is like the superbowl with "marriage" - which is like a marathon race. The two have no similarities really.
So are you wanting a "ceremony" - someting that publicly declares your love and devotion to one another in front of family and friends? You could have a ceremony - not a "mock wedding" - but a ceremony where you write your own vows, exchange them in front of others, wearing formal clothes even a wedding dress if you wish......but without the license.....even include the rings if that is your desire.
Or.....does your life work like this - him not the point........does it seem that whenever your life is upended and what you believe is stsable, secure, successful and serene as you define it then that appears so far outside of your scope and grasp - that it appeals....only for you to find yourself over time in that very position and situation and find it really lacks "security" according to your feelings?
If so, you're a chaos addict.......and you can stick with this while figuring out if you want HIM in your life for a lifetime...or if you'd prefer to upend what you've got an dopt for chaos, transition, and restructure.
Because you're sitting here going "I want marriage"....well my dear, you easily might leave him and never find anybody you want to marry, or that wnats to marry you. So would you have no regrets if you left...and never did marry, or have anybody in your life?
The reality is - you come into this world alone...and you go out alone......it's how you spend the time in between that counts. Marriage isn't about love, honoor, respect, or cherish you as a person or have your well-being or best interests in mind...that's what commitment is all about however, it would appear you've got it.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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