I told him I love him..now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
I told him I love him..now what?
5
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 11:44am

Ok, so I guess I need to just see if I am feeling what I should be feeling....

Long story short.....been dating 4 months, spend EVERY weekend together(we have not missed ONE) and usually one or two nights a week(we would spend more, but our living situations do not permit that). He treats me like no one has ever treated me.

I know he cares. He is having some issues now with being laid off, living situation, child care, but it is just a set back.

I told him I loved him..he said he feels the same, but it isn't fair to me for him to say it back right now, because he feels he doesn't have anything to offer me......He says he is happy I told him and he is thrilled I feel this way.

He has always been nothing but honest with me and my heart and head says that he is sincere but a tiny part of me wonders if it a case of "it isn't you it is me" BS.

Thoughts? :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 12:58pm

My thoughts are, what is the big deal? Just because you feel a certain way about someone doesn't mean they have to feel it back. But, he said he feels the same just his circumstances now would be unfair to you. So how do you take that as "it's not you but me?" He did not say OK and change the subject. He validated your feelings as being real and explained where he is at. Why blow it all over the place. Accept he cares because his actions and his words have matched from what you've posted. Just because he did not give youa huge hug and say "Oh, I've been waiting for you to tell me because I wanted to say the same thing" did not happen. If you read many posts on many many boards even the married ones the guy did not give the response the woman was looking for. Guys say it when they want. I am at 9 mos with my guy and I think he has said it 2 times. His big things is "you know how I feel". I could take that to mean a lot but I do not. I know how he feels because I know him. I don't say it often may have said it 3 times because it is not a big deal.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 8:07pm
SO, it's my "did he/she say it back" thing...you know what-if one of you isn't at that place yet, then, OK...you'll get there eventually. Actually...I have been in your shoes-my ex (who I was still seeing as FWB) was miserable with his job when we were together...we broke up due to his "career situation" and his unhappiness towards it (possible mid-life thing), he also couldn't offer me anything he thought. Gee-is it the same guy? LOL...Well...I stayed "friends" with him to see if this could work itself out once he knew his direction in life. Well, ironically, my EX (who I hoped would get back together with me) also just left his job a few weeks ago- now he doesn't know his direction or if a new job will take him out of state.....and yet, even with his life changes he still doesn't know what he wants? I realized it really wasn't "Me", it was Him....maybe it just wasn't meant to happen for "Us"...I got the "it's not you its me" line when we orginally broke up. I think that when me & my ex discussed our relationship & the possibility of getting back together...he said that when we were exclusive...I seemed further ahead (with feelings) than he was....and he wondered IF he could get to the same place as me...I told him, that comes with time, and the only question was... were we good enough in every other area together to think it could truly grow into something much deeper with time? He didn't want to see if that would happen...I think personally, he is all about career & his buddies - he never kept a woman long enough..I decided to move on. For you...I think you should enjoy the mutual happiness...and when that day comes when you can't control holding the words in...SAY IT LOUD! It will be so much more appreciated that it came from your heart when your ready! Instead of saying it to just say it? I don't know if I helped or if I rambled....but be happy...you 2 seem to be headed somewhere good...enjoy the ride!.Sweetie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:47pm
men are funny sometimes, if he didnt feel love or close to it for you he would have headed for the hills, i have been with someone for a few months, weve been friends forever(15 years) and watched each other with other people but never were together, well we were out with friends(we have the same group of friends) and he turns to me out of no where and tells me he loves me always have, i ran away,and avoided him at all costs and it took me 2 months to admit how i felt because i was scared of getting hurt by someone(he may also be afraid)i have always loved. were now really happy, so dont analyze what he said, keep in mind actions speak louder than words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 2:37pm

I'm sorry...he what...LOST his job? Has a less than desirable living situation? AND has children to support??? Oh my LORD the pressure this poor man is under!!!

There is a very real aspect to every man's person that is his pride. He is the leader, the provider, the initiator, the caretaker. When he lost his job, I'm sure he felt most of that was stripped away from him - possibly with little to no time to prepare emotionally or financially.

The fact that he is able to include you as part of his life at this difficult time is *very* impressive to me. Most men would probably opt for what is "easier" and omit what he doesn't feel is essential to his own well-being.

What he would appreciate most until he's on his feet again (and his confidence is regained) is your love and support. If you can give this to him without expectations today, I can almost guarantee it will pay the relationship back in spades.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 7:57pm

Just catching back up with the boards & happened to see a reply to this message (to me I think) from my response to someone else....I think I need to clarify my response....I explained my situation with my BF wayyy back...I mentioned he was unhappy in his career & that is why he said he couldn't be with me....as far as "losing" his Job, No, he left eventually and Nope, he wasn't supporting children or anything...he is a single man supporting his BMW, his lifestyle of traveling with "the guys". SO think I was misunderstood...my (ex) guy had the life of riley.....I now now..many months later how selfish he actually is while I was giving & loving....and STUPID...hey, we live & learn-you know & hopefully move forward without making the same mistakes again.

My Best to you all, Sweetie