cheating what do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
cheating what do you think?
19
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 9:47am

am so undecided on what to do and want to ask for some advice. If you are in a relationship were you have a gut feeling that something is wrong in that you think in some way your mate is not being faithful but you have no concrete evidence what would you do? Would you leave? Would you stay and just deal with these feelings until you know for sure or not?

My BF of a year acts shady in that he is locking his phone when he sleeps, takes his phone in the shower with him, always has it on him or around him within hands reach. When he goes places with his friends I am not invited and when I ask if I can go he says no. He will not let me see his phone ever and when I look over at him when he is using it or reading a text message he covers the phone or put it down so I dont see it. He is very secretive too were when I ask him where he is going he says I dont know a lot of the time. He is with me every nite and he does not go out a lot but I do work alot and I do have to work nites some times too so I am not with him all the time. I dont have any concrete evidence that he is doing anything but I have this feeling that something is wrong. How do I find out? or if I have no trust right know is it worth keeping?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 10:35am

If he's got nothing to hide, he'll show you. He may be cheating and then again he may not be, it's really hard to tell when you don't have access to his phone or life for that matter. I think it's time for you to move on dear. This guy is being an a$$, and if he can't even be truthful, be open and honest...then why bother being in something like that. Do you ask him if he's cheating, do you ask him if you've got nothing to hide...and you're always so secretive then why bother. A real man will be open and honest for the most part, he'll be open to you, he'll include you, make you feel special, etc.

I know what you are going through...my ex did that to me a lot, we went to a counseling session and I told him about that...he was pretty good for a little while..but made the excuse of well I just don't feel like explaining myself all the time about that. But he did for a while understand how I felt about it instead of him feeling like I'm bitching about it. I'm sorry but if you ask a question of someone...and it's just a question not being noisy or anything...and they make excuses or don't give any reasonable explaination...then it's time to move on.

I would say to completely trust that instinct of yours, but dont over react. Has your BF always done this to you? Or has it been recently that he's been doing this? Does he have a lot of friends...or female friends even? Can you get the lowdown from one of his friends? With me, I wouldn't bother with this guy anymore...if he's not grown up enough to say what's on his mind, hiding stuff, making excuses...then it's time to go. I would sit him down, tell him your issues, ask him why, and if he can't do that...or tells you what you want to hear, then I would start making some choices. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 10:48am

crk21...

Pianoguy suggests that if you have doubts about your b/f's fidelity...ASK HIM IF THERE'S SOMEBODY ELSE IN HIS LIFE?

This doesn't mean you'll get an honest answer from him.

Personally....if I had doubts about the fidelity of any woman I had deep feelings for, I'd want to know where things stand! Life's too short to fool around with people who are merely interested in playing "love games" with me!

Besides....what's the point of wasting your life on a person who can't (or won't) reciprocate the love you obviously wish to bestow?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 12:23pm
Whether or not your BF is actually being unfaithful I'd say is irrelevent at this point. If he is, you've got yourself a selfish creap who's getting his jollies somewhere else. If he's NOT, well look at what you've got for a BF!? Lets go for a moment with the thought that he's NOT cheating on you. He's still acting all decieptful and secretive and like he's ashamed of you or something. Believe that he is cheating. Why choose to stay with a cheater? Believe that he's NOT cheating. Why then choose to be with a BF who is treating you this way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 10:52am
thanks for your response. I do try and talk to him but I am not sure if what I am saying is coming out the way I want it to be interpreted by him. He always takes me saying things to him as a way for me to argue with him. If I voice my opinion on something or started to disagree or raise my voice he gets angry and will end the talk by leaving or telling me he "does not want to argue and to leave him alone." I will tell him I am not trying to argue and that I was just saying how I feel but he think I am playing the blame game all the time and assumes that by me saying something to him I am blaming him. Like for example I told him I was unhappy and that I hate feeling unwanted and that he is embarrassed of me. He said that he did nothing wrong to leave him alone and that I always blame everything on him. I tried to explain why I felt this way. Didnt work. I am not always good with words and I know at times when I disagree with something I tend to be aggressive and raise my voice and I think he thinks I am attacking him but this is really just my nature. I grew up in a very argumentative family that is very passionate about their view points so when we disagree we would keep going until we can get it resolved. It was never taken to a personal level though. I notice that he takes things personally so I try to be more sensitive on how I approach him. I am not sure even what to say to him anymore because everytime I do it back fires and we end up fighting. He gets angry at me to for the way I handle my family. He doesnt understand how I can get into aheated arguement with my family and talk to them later in the day and not hold a grudge or take things personally. He will then say that you I can yell at him and be mad at him for something but when my family does something I let it go and talk to them as nothing has ever happened. This is a big problem with us right know because if I say something to him or aproach him he will bring up my family and I end up backing off because I start thinking I am not treating him fairly. For the last two days he has been sitting around not talking to me because I do not treat him fairly. "I can yell at him but when it comes to your family you say nothing and let them do as they want. So I am not doing anything for you anymore. I am sick of the sh**." this is what he said this morning. Is there anyway to change things around and gain the control back? What do I say?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 11:18am
What do you say, try this "I ain't takin your crap any longer goodbye". Hun, reading your post brought back horrible flash backs of my marriage. The manipulative things that he does and says. I think yea he is cheating that is why he is so defensive and readily leaves when in an argument. He doesn't want to discuss anything because he might slip up and tell you he is cheating. I saw this with my ex. He would always be gone out doing something when I worked and seemed to begin to keep things. We began arguing over small things and then I stopped that and even trying to tell him how I felt and then he layed in about my family. That is how he put a strain there and got me to be isolated away from them. He would always find something about them that I would do for them that was oh so unfair to him and I began trying to show him how much I cared by talking less and less to family to make him happy. Then it went on to how I cleaned house and how I didn't do this or that. Let me tell you it is a never ending battle because he will not just leave you alone and don't want you to leave him but he will argue and make you miserable all the while courting someone else.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 4:53pm
I think it's time to do some snooping around. There are ways of finding out if he is cheating. My friends call me a personal investigator and they always come to me if they want to find out if they're boyfriends are cheating. Write back to me if you want to know how. Do you guys live together? This makes things easier. I know that people are going to eat me alive for advising you to do this but the reality is that if you never find out the truth it's just going to make you doubt your instinct and you'll ending up wasting more time on this trash then you should. Love is a strong emotion and it can overpower everything logical you know. I love it when people say "Leave Him". It's easier said then done. Women won't usually leave a man until it smacks them in the face that they're dealing with a jerk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 5:38pm
Hi, No but we pracetically live together because he is always at my house. He wants to live togehter right know but it is complicated story behind it (I have a roomate right know and cant just kick her out). Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. What should I do? Like I said before his phone is with him at all times and I do not hanging around his friends so it is like hit a brick wall with no where to go really. What would you do in this situation. I do love him and I try to give him the benifit of the doubt but my gut is saying other wise?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 10:50pm

Perhaps he is a secret agent working for the government, and hides his phone calls and text messages from you so you won't discover the things he has to do to protect the free world.

Or maybe he's just a manipulative ne'er-do-well who's trying to keep you off balance and dependent. He turns around everything you say, and blames you for his own shortcomings. Even if he's as faithful as a saint, why would you keep him? There's more to loving someone than just not cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 11:32pm

He is playing your feelings like they are a game of monopoly.
As is, he is naturally doing, what he wants to do. And what he naturally wants to do doesn't appear to include much of a life "together." My motto is to set someone free and his desires are showing through and through, whether he is cheating or not. He is totally projecting what he is doing, his subconscious guilt, onto you in saying that you are not treating him fairly.
You two are definitely not on the same page in what you want, what you expect from this relationship, and the communication is certainly suffering. Sure, perhaps you aren't communicating your words with the proper tone of voice, or you are approaching it in a manner where he will be come defensive, but you have a right to your feelings.... yet he is not acknowledging them and that is the worst part..... and the upset feelings you feel are normal. What he is doing is wrong, in my opinion, regarding the phone issues, sneakiness, and lack of inclusion. It appears that there is no trust in the foundation of this relationship, and whether there is evidence or not of him cheating, what is going on is not healthy by any means. You are definitely paying for it emotionally.

This post really touched me so I'll get a little personal..... I have been through the 'compartmentalized' thing in a very long term relationship and what you feel is not a good feeling. You start to internalize and think that something is wrong with you, feel miserable about it, fight for it (even rationalize all of the ideas that you are on this forum), you know, the whole logic versus heart fight.... but it just still occurs and you are allowing it to keep occuring even with the doubts because you don't want to believe what you already know.

This 2 cents is coming from a woman who is not clingy whatsoever, strong, IS independent, but just wanted a normal amount of time feeling somewhat a PART of a very selfish man's life. It took me a long time to get over the emotional damage this caused (the secretiveness, manipulation, etc was almost like abuse) and I can tell you, that if you don't take a new approach, right now, it will NOT change. If you REALLY want things to change, then you have to recognize how unacceptable his behavior is to you.... and take a stand... and the more you aren't liking it, the more he realizes he is in the driver's seat and does it that much harder... and he WONT take the door, unless YOU DO.

No, I am not talking about more anger towards him... or another argument.... If you truly, deep down, want to give him a chance (which I disagree with, but you need tbe ready within to know when to call it quits, for good).... I am talking about ACTION. Rehearse clear, yet non-confrontational statements about what the issues are in the relationship (i.e., not statements like this -- "You never include me and you always are so secretive".... because he will become on the defensive.... but more, "I feel let down when I can't be more a part of your life because I care about you..." give specific examples of the actions that took place, and how you felt, and what you would have liked to happen ... Use "We need to... I'd like it if..." You could also mention that you'd like to schedule a counseling appointment for the two of you to have these discussions in front of an unbiased third party. Make a firm statement at the end of your small speal... such as, (if this is true), that you really do want things to work between you two because you do care, but that things need to change before you can go any further, as is.... You will know if he is willing to work on things on the basis of his reaction and his maturity level. It's a two way street.

This guy already seems so shut down, not willing to even LISTEN... The "I'm not doing anything wrong.." thing definitely rings a bell for me. He does not seem to be flexible or willing to even make any changes or to take responsibility for any behaviors for good.... you seem to recognize what you are doing wrong which is good..... and in all honesty... Will you ever truly trust someone or set your standards low in someone who didn't embrace you into your life naturally when you are such a good catch?! So it's either leave him, or, keep wondering about all the options and if you could find evidence.... or, recognize that you are not happy regardless if he is cheating or not, and that you can't keep going on like this..

There was definitely a LOT of good and strong love going both ways in my previous relationship, he still does to t his day, but I knew, in the long run, that his secretive, private, non-open style, non inclusion life was not something I co uld live with, nor could be happy with... and that his underlying personality traits would not change in those ways. Things did get a little better and he budged a little... on his own account which was good... but I felt like it was still almost unnatural for him, and I knew he wasn't completely comfortable with it... I never knew why...i was sick of beating myself up about it... trying to figure out ways for him to WANT what I WANT.... his friends used to say that he should bring me around more often.. and almost thought "I" was being anti-social or inconsiderate... oh god, if they only knew the real reasons -- which were HIM... I realized, it's HIS issue, NOT MY issue... That's when I got serious about the changes... Crying instead of smiling was getting old.

I had to accept that even if there was a bond, love, and so much other good that kept us together, there was more bad that were driving us apart...I am now with someone who is so open and honest, everything just comes so easy, he naturally wants to include me (if anything, I shoudl take up his offers more often -- but just to know that he naturally wants this, wants me, and adores me... is a beautiful feeling.. and I respect his character.. I don't only love him, but I LIKE him... such a different from my past relationshp)... You can feel that too if you don't accept less than you deserve... and realize all that you have to offer someone who wont take advantage..

~~SD~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 12:11am
Thanks for your post. I was wondering if mine was too out there on personal experience. I mean I had been there and even though my gut said one thing my heart said another. I stuck around. He even admitted to having one girl that he knew I knew about because I got into his messages but about a year or two after I left I found out there were many more that he had been with. Your posts shows I should have listened early but my heart was so into it I ignored the obvious. Fortunately I did leave and gratefully for the lesson I was taught about trusting instinct/gut and no matter evidence it is there because of behavior.
Photobucket

Pages