I just don't know...help
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| Thu, 02-09-2006 - 4:01pm |
I have been just casually dating a guy now for almost 3 months and things have been cool, I really have only been seeing him, but we are not exclusive. He keeps telling me how much he likes me and he really does a lot of sweet things for me like take me places and surprise me with things, but he just isn't at a point in his life where he wants something serious and for now I guess I am ok with that. I really do like him and things are going well, but sometimes I notice myself getting worried or upset about what will happen since we are not a couple and what will happen if we never do become on and I turn into a spazz and I really don't want to scare him off with commitment issues because I really like how things are going.
I really don't know what my problem is but I can't stop being insecure, my friends tell me to play it cool and let him "chase" me or whatever...so if I do do that and things continue the way they are then I guess that would be ok, but I am wondering if I back off like my friends tell me too, will that actually work in my advantage or will it all just fall apart?
How can I really tell if this guy is ever going to want to see only me or if I am just being played for a fool?

There is something you should understand about men and commitment. It starts with prioritization. A man will not commit until he has made the conscious decision to prioritize a committed relationship in his life. There are many factors as to how and when that decision is made. You could be Miss Perfect in every single way, but until he makes that fundamental decision, a committed relationship is not part of his life.
Once the decision is made, then men will often become somewhat picky. They will not rush the commitment decision WITH YOU. They will want to know your character, values, ethics and attitudes. They will want to understand your wants, needs, expectations, goals and priorities. If all of these things are consistent with how he leads his life, adds value and represents the foundation for an equality-based and mutually-beneficial relationship, then he will commit TO YOU. This takes time. Often it will take 12 to 18 months to gain this knowledge. To a man, our word is our bond so we take this decision very seriously.
If you want to know more about his thoughts on commitment, then talk to him about his goals and priorities in life. You will gain knowledge as to what is important to him and what he wants to accomplish BEFORE making the commitment decision. There is no standard answer that can be applied to all men.
I hope this helps a little.
You are NOT being played for a fool...he is being honest and upfront with you. It's up to YOU to decide whether you are willing to take the risk. A man who wants a serious relationship WILL do what it takes to be in one...but this guy is not at that point in his life and you need to realize that he may *never* be.
Backing off isn't going to do anything to change that. The only thing that will change it is HIM deciding that he wants to make being in a serious relationship a priority, and you have NO control over that.
I personally would not get involved with someone who didn't want a serious relationship at this point in his life, because I do want that (unless I was just looking for a short-term, interim fling). But only you can decide if you're willing to eliminate the option of being open to meeting someone who DOES want a serious relationship in order to be with this guy, who may NEVER want one, and if so, for how long.
Also, "exclusive" and "serious" are not interchangeable. He may well decide to see you exclusively, but it could still be a casual relationship. That all depends on intent...is the intent to evaluate each other for a possible future together? If not, then it's casual, even if it's exclusive.
Sheri
I think the problem here is you're *not* okay with it. You're just settling because this is all he's willing to give you, and you're willing to take it as better than nothing.
If you were okay with it, you wouldn't be having these feelings, and you wouldn't be posting about the what-if's because you'd be "okay" with it never panning out.
Angelica said exactly what I thought reading your post.
You want different things. Which is fine if you're willing to go out there and keep looking for what you DO want from someone ELSE, while enjoying the time you spend in this casual relationship. Some people can do this some people can't.
You would seem to fall into the can't group. Which is fine, a lot of people can't. They are strictly one on one sort of daters.
What you have to understand, and accept, is that all the patience and backing off in the world is never going to change his mind about what he wants from the relationship. Sure it's is within the realm of possibility that he will change his mind, "come to his senses" and see what a fabulous catch you are and give you what you want, of his own volition. But there isn't anything you can do that will MAKE that happen.
Flip a coin. Because that’s what it is, a coin toss. You've got at BEST a 50/50 shot. How much more time are you willing to spend waiting and hoping he'll change his mind?
Just remember his lack of willingness has nothing to do with you. It isn't because you're not good enough or because you aren’t a great catch or anything even resembling any of those things. It isn't even a matter of him "coming to his senses" or "growing up". It's about this relationship not being the right fit for either of you, in spite of all the fun you have together and the fact you're both perfectly nice people.
Unfortunately, love is much more complicated then: nice girl + nice boy + chemistry = everlasting love. If it were that simple, there'd be much less heartbreak in the world. On the upside, every time a relationship doesn’t work out we have an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and take that with us into the next relationship and over time that helps us find the person who is the right fit.
Hey, hopefully, this wont depress you, it took me 32 years to find the right guy. He was worth the wait and I'm so glad I didn't get married sooner. I wasn't ready until now. Sure, I thought I was… ahhh hindsight... I hadn't screwed up enough and learned enough to make a relationship last the rest of my life. Now, I'm ready, I know how to create and nurture a healthy relationship and I know enough about me to be able to ask for what I want and enough about human nature to ask in a way that ensures I'll probably get it. :)
I know it's tough. There's nothing to really be mad at or rail against. It isn't his fault. It isn't your fault. It just isn't working out and that just plain sucks. But your only real options are to stick with something that isn't working for you or to be honest with yourself, acknowledge that it isn't working for you, and move on. Will it suck? Yes. Unfortunately, doing the right thing frequently does. But in the long run, doing what is best for us does pay off, once you get over the sucky part.
Trust me, I've been through LOTS of sucky parts. Eventually, if you let yourself, you ALWAYS get over them. Unfortunately, that doesn't really make them suck any less.
It seems like you want more than what he's willing to give you at this point. He seems to be honest with you, and maybe he's just no sure about you yet. He's keeping his options open and seeing what else is open there. He may be seeing someone other than you, that he's more interested in, but keeping you on the side just in case....frankly it's really hard to say.
As far as your insecurity, a lot of that is normal. It's the whole "I don't know where this is going" feeling that drives that. You have to understand that you two are not on the same path right now, you have moved up from him in wanting more, but he doesn't seem to want that. With the insecurity, you need to work on those issues, being comfortable within yourself, and working on you is the first step.
I'll try to give you an example of things from my life. I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years, we talked about moving in, marriage and all that for a short while, then half way through it he starting talking about himself, he started hanging out with and talking to a lot this female friend that I couldn't stand...I still think she's got feelings for him... and he was working all the time. I felt like I was loosing control of the relationship, I didn't know where things were going and for that I became very insecure, and noisy as to what he was doing. He was immature to a certain extent, he was trying to establish himself professionally, and he had a problem with overwork himself, and looked toward his friends for his comfort and love, when all the while I was in his life and I should have been the one for that. I became very insecure because he couldn't explain a lot of his actions, he tried hiding stuff from me, in all to make sure that I didn't get upset at him. I wasn't happy anymore and he knew it. About a year or so into it, I knew that we werent going to last, but I went with it anyways and went as long as I could until I couldn't take it anymore. Looking back I know that he was a good person, and good to me for the most part, but we were 2 different people at 2 different places in our lives. I'm better off being single, and not with him. Maybe someday down the road him and I can be friends again, but I'm just trying to heal from all of that and work on me first.
The right man is someone that can be your equal, someone that can give and receive just as much as you can, and is on that same level in life as you are. If a man can only put so much into it, and your looking for more than what he can give, then there's no point in waiting around for him.
You need to stop worrying about the who and the what if's. You can be direct with him and say "look we have been seeing each other for 3 months, I like you a lot and I want to be exclusive", if he can't make up his mind, doesn't know, or says no, then you need to make the decision to stay or walk. Frankly I think you need to walk. You're better off with someone that will be exclusive from the get go, and someone that will make you happy.
Life is too short to be waiting around for someone to change. Only that person can change themselves, you can't. Do you really want to continue with someone that's not going to be exclusive to you, or do you want to be free and happy and find someone that does? That's something that you need to think about.