Desperate!!!! Need Advice Quickly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2005
Desperate!!!! Need Advice Quickly
3
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 3:40pm

I will try not to make this to long. I've been seeing a guy for about 4 mos. and I've known him for 2-1/2 yrs. We were friends first and used to spend time together with a group of friends. He would always call me everyday. Often several times a day. He even sent me flowers at work. We'd go to dinner and the movies or just spend time together watching TV. He introduced me to his parents and friends. We live separately but not too far apart.

Well he had lost his job at the end of the year and then was in an accident where he was rear ended and his car was totalled. Anyway his best friend from high school lives about 45 mins. to an hour away. He had talked about getting an apartment with his friend down closer to where his friend currently lives. He had hoped he might find a better job in that area because it's right outside a major city. He had mentioned once when we were on the phone that he was losing sleep trying to figure out what to do. If he moved we wouldn't see each other much except for weekends. Which we really were only seeing each other on weekends except for an occasional weekday evening. He even commented if he did move, "he'd always make time for me."

One evening he called me we spoke for a little because he was on his way to a hockey game. He called later that evening around 10 PM and he left a message in my voice mail. I was already in bed because I get up at 5:30 AM. He said he wanted to know if I wanted to go to dinner the next night (Friday) and asked if I wanted to go to a friend's party on Saturday. He said, "I'd really like it if you went." He said he'd call me tomorrow (Friday).

Well I didn't hear from him all day so I decided to call him around 4 PM. It went right to his voice mail so I assumed he had turned his phone off which is something he does when he doesn't want to speak to anyone. I didn't leave a message and I really wish now I had. I thought it would at least show up as a missed call like my phone. Well he didn't call. He didn't call all weekend or the whole next week. I was afraid to call him. I don't know why. I guess I figured he was mad and I wanted to give him space. I never pressured him in anyway.

I was always careful not to talk about the future or commitment. I almost felt he believed our relationship to be more serious than I had thought. For example, I had to quickly move from where I had been living to another place temporarily and when I told him he said, "you could have moved in here, I have this large house all to myself." I told him I didn't want to impose on him.

Also, once when we had a misunderstanding and I didn't call him back right away when he had left a message, I did finally call him and he said, "I thought you were breaking up with me." Which we never even discussed exclusivity or anything really. I just wanted to take things slow so as not to push him away. We both had been previously married and divorced with neither of us having children.

Fast forward... he hadn't called for almost 2 weeks. I finally broke down and called him and again got his voice mail. I thought he was blowing me off. Well he must have called me back about 20 mins. later unfortunately I had taken the dog for his evening walk before I go to bed. He did leave a message in my voice mail. He said he thought I didn't want to talk to him anymore and that he does want to talk to me. He told me to call him.

Well I tried calling him the next day and again... voice mail. I left it go 2 days thinking he'd return my call. He didn't.

So finally I called him again this time he answered. He started yelling at me that he's been busy moving his stuff all week and he didn't have time to answer everytime his phone rang. He said he and his friend rented a house. He said he went ahead with it because he hadn't heard from me in those 2 weeks. He said it was too late to change his plans to move in because all the papers were signed. He was really angry. He never had talked to me like this before. He said he wasn't sure how he felt now. He said he didn't know if the long distance thing would work and he hates constantly talking on the phone. I said I wanted to at least see him to discuss things in person. He said he had planned to go to his friend's girlfriend's friend's birthday party. (Confusing... huh?) He said he'd see if he could get out of it. He told me he'd call me later. I made him promise to call and he said he would.

He did call about 2-1/2 hrs. later and told me we would have to get together another time. He said maybe for lunch during the week. I really didn't want to meet for lunch because of the emotions. I thought it would be hard for me to go back to work after our discussion. I said I would like to see him on Saturday, which is now tomorrow. I asked him if I'd hear from him this week and he said, "yes."

I've waited all week and he still hasn't called. I kind of thought at the time I would probably never hear from him again. I just wanted an opportunity to speak to him face to face one more time. If he didn't want to speak to me why did he call me back that evening and tell me he did want to talk to me???? I just don't know what happened. Should I have moved in with him? I don't know what he wanted... he never said. I really cared for this guy.

I'm really going to miss him. Should I try to call him? I'm not sure what if anything can be done. He really seemed to be in to me in the beginning. I don't know what went wrong. Please give me some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 6:16pm
I'd let it go if I were you. I say that for whatever reason, he's moved on.
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 12:14am
Phone him! but this time tell him exactly how you feel, no more games or subtle hints. Tell him everything, chances are he feels the same way, from what you describe anyone would think he too feels the same way, take into account all those little things he's said(hints?). He probably feels like you had no interest in him and felt he had no option but to move on, tell him he's wrong if he thought that. You care for this guy, so tell him. Wouldn't you like being told that someone cares for you? I bet he would
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:27am
Thank you for your response. I really do care a lot about this guy. Unfortunately, Friday 2/3 when he yelled at me on the phone he told me he'd call me later about canceling his plans for Saturday. He did call me later but he told me he couldn't get out of his plans. His best friend's girlfriend's birthday party. Well he told me he'd call me sometime that week about getting together the following Saturday 2/11. Well he never called. I haven't called him either. I'm so afraid he'll either not answer or worse yet he will and he'll yell at me again. I'm not sure I could take that again. I just can't figure out if he wanted to just blow me off why did he ever call me back when I left that message in his voice mail. Why did he call back and say he did want to talk to me??? I'm so totally confused. I tried to give him his space and not pressure him in any way. Maybe I was wrong to do that.... I don't know. I now second guess myself constantly. Do you think he somehow is trying to punish me? Every night when I get home for work I think about him and wonder if he has even thought once about me. I know he told me when he was yelling at me on the phone that Friday that his best friend kept telling him to call me. So he must have been thinking and/or talking about me to his friend. If you have anymore advice for me I'd sure love to hear about it. Thanks again!