Valentines Gift? What to do?????
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| Sat, 02-11-2006 - 7:57am |
Anyone else out there wondering what to do about Valentines Day and a gift for somebody they are dating?
I made my guy a gift basket of different snacks, candies, a coffee mug, a special made Tshirt with his name on it. The theme of if is crabbing. He loves to crab and tells me hes the master crabber. I have cookies with crabs on them, and even foil covered chocolate crabs!! We are both waiting for the spring/summer as he has promised me a day out on his boat crabbing together. I even put a water proof disposable camera in there for pics of our day together.
Heres the thing, I dont think hes much on the romance/valentines day thing. As I posted before hes a bit gun shy on the word "love" ! LOL
Now that I have the gift, Im feeling anxious about giving it him. I kept it simple and its something about us, because I thought simple would be best. We've been dating about 7 months now.
What if I give it to him, and he has nothing for me? I dont want to make him feel uncomfortable or bad. Im not giving to him with the need for something back in return, I did it because I love him and I wanted to do something fun and special for him.
What should I do? I know this seems silly but I havent bought another man a vday gift for over 21 years, its an odd feeling, but a good feeling. As you all know he can be a bit of a committment phobic (getting better lately, but he still keeps that small wall up in place).
I put alot of time and thought into this gift, and now Im wondering what to do with it? Help me out girls and guys. Tell me what you think. Any guys out there ever have a girl give them a vday gift and found themselves empty handed? How did it make you feel?
OH PIANO GUY I KNOW YOU A THOUGHT OR TWO TO HELP ME OUT HERE!! SO LETS HAVE IT!! LOL

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Well, I'd say that you should give him the gift. It's something you put a lot of time and thought into, and that's an expression of YOU, right? If it's overwhelming to him, that is more a reflection of him than you ... but, if you are doing what you do ... being yourself ... there's nothing to be anxious about. It's just you doing what feels natural for you, right?
As long as you aren't giving to get or would be upset if he didn't reciprocate on the same level of "thought put into the gift" ... then, there's no problem.
In my experience, most guys aren't "big" on Valentine's Day. ha. They go along with it to please us ladies. :)
Have you picked up on any "clues" on how he feels about Valentine's Day? Have you guys made plans for it or has he brought it up? (if not, that might give you an idea of how he feels about V-Day).
I know that my BF isn't big on Valentine's Day. But, neither am I ... so, it's fine. We will be spending the day together, but ... as I learned long ago about him ... less is more with him.
So, it's a balance of knowing how he feels about V-Day and doing something for him that you think he'd appreciate and like. I'm sure he'll like your gift! Though it might be a "little much" for him (since he doesn't "do love" as you said) ... I think it will still be good for YOU to present him with a present that is a representation of your attention to detail and thought into what he likes (since you've "themed" the basket). And, it will show him what YOU like ... which is always a good thing.
It's all about communication.
I believe that a couple should discuss Valentines day. That is: "Do you do Valentines day?" Then you will know ahead of time whether to give a gift or not.
Also, as somebody who isn't romantic...I can tell you that I find romantic gestures make me uncomfortable. (I find my thrills in the everyday stuff he does - such as making me a cup of tea when I'm tired) While your gift sounds fabulously thoughtful, I wonder if it would make him feel ill at ease.
Discuss it with him.
Some very good points, Starbuck.
There's no sense in hiding who you are. If your romantic side and his non-romance does end up causing friction - then it's better to find out sooner rather than later :-)
Hi Flicksgirl!
PG hasn't read the other responses.
I think the thought and creativity you've used...in order to put your b/f's Valentines Day gift together...is GREAT! The only thing that bothers me is "the crabbing" part! I realize it's a terrific "tie-in" to the work he does and to the "day out on his boat"--but you might want to give the whole approach a 2nd thought?
While your creativity might completely represent your b/f's attitude, mannerisms, or the way he views the relationship you both have...VALENTINES DAY is 'supposed to be' a holiday for people who are in "harmony" with each other? Both halves of a couple usually go out of their way to do nice things and express their feelings of LOVE for each other??? It's not supposed to be one-sided!
So not knowing whether your b/f has a sense of humor or not, your 'creative efforts' could either be completely successful...or totally BOMB OUT?
If you're nervous about lavishing him with too many gifts...and getting nothing in return...why not select one or two of the 'crabs' you've put together? Give him those instead of the ENTIRE package...and watch his reaction. ?
Just about everything else you have purchased can be 'put on hold' and given at your discretion until AFTER YOU SEE WHAT YOUR B/F COMES UP WITH FOR YOU?
Sometimes...."less is more?" In the meantime...here's hoping your b/f spoils you beyond your wildest dreams on 2/14?
Pianoguy
Thanks for the respone PG, and to let you know he has a great sense of humor just like me. Its one of the things that I love best about our relationship, we never stop making each other laugh and smile!! Not to get off the topic, but thats something I never had in my marriage all 20 years. My stx was and still is a very serious type. Total opposite of me.
The reason I went with something that represented a favorite hobby of his, is for a few reasons, I felt that anything to "love" maybe overboard at this point with him Number two was that we have crossed a line here where he is letting me take more of a role in his life and his interests, which is crabbing!! We both talk about the nice weather coming soon and the fun we will have and the trips we will take for the day out on the boat. He told me he cant think of a nicer way to spend a day, than to be out in the bay with me, with the sun, the water and the quiet.
Im still standing back Piano Guy waiting for that wall to come down. It slowly is happening, but its progress all the time. I dont want to put to much "mush" out there for fear of the wall coming back up a little. Our relationship this past month has changed so much for the good. I got up the nerve to finally tell him that I loved him. It didnt go over well, he retreated across the line!! LOL But he came back 2 days later with a new attitude and has been so different since then. He told me recently that he knows I love him and he thought so for awhile. But that he's not had feeling for anyone in years (since his divorce). Then he said, very shyly and after a few glasses of wine (LOL), that he loves me too in his own special way.
Can you shed some light on that one piano guy??? What does in his own special way mean??
Look, you giving him something doesn't "obligate/require" him to reciprocate.
Give the gift - because you want to give the gift - not because you want something back.
Give the gift "because" of what you have together - not "becuase of what you think you'll have together someday".
It's that simple. And be prepared NOT to receiving anything.......and be fine with that.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Erin,
So you understand thats exactly what I was doing. I was giving him a gift because I wanted to give it to him and do something nice for him. Its not about getting a gift back. Thats not me at all. I never give with the intent of expecting anything back no matter what I give or do for someone.
My concern was how HE would feel about recieving a gift, and not reciprocating. I didnt want to make him feel bad or obligated.
My concern was how HE would feel about recieving a gift, and not reciprocating. I didnt want to make him feel bad or obligated.
Well, the above is the portion you don't control or dictate. Your intentions and values aren't what determine how he perceives it or feels about it. That depends entirely on his values, his past experiences, etc. etc. etc.
You won't 'make him feel' a particular way...he'll feel that same way in a multitude of situations. I.e.,.
If he constantly backing up and going "let's just see where it goes".........always telling you "this doesn't mean anything" (such as meeting parents)....the guy is simply reiterating at all times - this is just dating, it's not a relationship of commitment regarding one another's best interests and well-being. This is a liason of enjoyment of one another as we are, as long as we are how we are, wanting what we do.
That MIGHT make him feel uncomfortable if he thinks you're pressing for more involvement/commitment from him towards you and your needs......that also might allow him to accept what you give with enjoyment, have absolutely NOT hesitation about having nothing for you...and not addressing the lack of reprocicity because it's a non-issue to him.
What youcan't go around doing is determine what other people think/feel/want/need - and then "give them that" - it won't work. You haven't been around in all thier situations and experiences, nor do you have their goals, priorities and needs defined as they do.
So I'd say this.....never take responsibility for how someone perceives it, and realize your 'intentions" aren't going to determine that in regard to your actions.
So if you give him the gift stating I wanted to give you this because of how special you are to me......my life has been much more exciting and enjoyable with you in it. There - you're done.
His response, up to him. You always placating his response as you perceive it MIGHT be - has you acting falsely, resrepresenting yourself...and when that lands you both in a state of non-communicated confusion and upset, don't be too surprised.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
<< My concern was how HE would feel about recieving a gift, and not reciprocating. I didnt want to make him feel bad or obligated. >>
With all due respect, you'd know much better than anyone here how he would or even MIGHT feel about it. We don't know him from Adam.
Look at past precedent. True, this is your first Valentine's Day together. But, what about Christmas? Did you exchange gifts? If so, what was his response to what you gave him? Any birthdays since you've been together?
Since you've been dating him for more than 6 months, you should know by this point how he feels about gifts. Is he generally receptive when you do or give things to him without expecting reciprocation? This is no different.
Hi flicksgirl!
PG admires your honesty with the b/f.....but you (and some of our ivillage ladies) need to understand something about MOST MEN!!
Once we've been hurt very badly by a woman (who might be a spouse, serious g/f or someone we bared our hearts and souls to), we're not going to become anxious to get hurt again! I guess you could call this the "one bitten, twice shy" theory?"
So taking your relationship with him S-L-O-W-L-Y is probably your best course of action right now? You're already aware of his hesitancy to commit...so focus on that factor. If the tension or anxiety becomes to great....TAKE A BREAK! Then see if decides to accelerate things at all?
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
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