one person more in love then the other

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
one person more in love then the other
9
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 3:02am
What do you do when your partner is more in love with you then you are with them? My ex is very much in love with me and I love him too, but I'm not sure he's the right one for me. We've been in an on off relationship for the past 6 years and I don't want to hurt him by getting back together when I'm feeling like I want to explore and see more of whats out there. I would never cheat, but our relationship has never been the heart fluttering sweep me off my feet sort. I guess my question is do I follow my heart and risk losing a good thing in the search for passion and romance, or do I make the safe decision by staying with someone who I know will always love me and be by my side.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 3:10am

By denying what you feel now, it'll cause more problems later. yes, it's tempting to take the safe route and settle for someone who loves and cares for you. But if you feel you are capable of loving someone so much more than you love your ex you shouldn't waste your time in a relationship, you know won't bring you any fulfillment. Not only will you be taking away his opportunity to experience a relationship with a woman who is truly head over heels in love with him, but you will be denying yourself the opportunity to feel that for someone else. My advice is to resist any urges you may have to get back with your ex and take some time for yourself and go out there and start looking for love!

On the other side, you should be practical in your relationships. Don't get the 'sweep me off my feet' sensations presented in the movies and fairy tales confused with true, genuine love. The butterflies and "I'm so in love" feeling on lasts so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 8:59am

I totally agree with the other poster. Love should never feel like settling. I was once in a similar situation and had to break things off. I wont lie to you it was one of the hardest things I ever did.

It hurt seeing him hurt and knowing I caused it, even though I knew I was doing the right thing. It was scary wondering if I was wrong and if that really was as good as it would get and if my expectations were too high. All in all it pretty much sucked.

But fast forward aboout ten years and I'm happily married to a wonderful guy that two years after I meet him I still feel lucky everyday to have him in my lfe. The butterflies, the rush, the churning stomach - all those things we associate with "romance" and "love" - have faded away. But let me tell you something really shocking... What's left is a passionate, strong, abiding love that kicks the butt of that churning stomache feeling "love".

Ever noticed that all those thigns we assoicate with "romance" and "true love" are also assoicated with stage freight and a bad case of the nerves? The truth is in the BEST relationships those things DO go away. The go away because as people get to know each other and trust each other and develop faith in each other the case of the nerves we first have goes away. Those feelings don't last, not because love doesn't but becasue fear doesn't.

Listen to your gut instincts and learn to trust them. You're smart to do that and not drag out a relationship that, while good, has run it's course and is no longer what is right for you. When you find the right person at the right time in your life it wont feel like your settling; even if he doesn't still make your heart skip a beat everytime you see him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 9:05am

Stop wasting your time in something that's been on and off for 6 years! You seem like you are young and have a lot going on for yourself. I know that the whole idea of leaving him is hard, but think about all the times you two broke up and the reasons behind that.

Right now I'm 26 almost 27, I was with a guy since I was 22 and he was 21. I broke up with him because I was so tired of being unhappy and sad because he didn't spend enough time and energy into us. Plus the RL wasn't going anywhere, there was talk of marriage, moving in together,etc. But that never happened. As much as I have that feeling of being along, and never finding love again, I know that I will when the time is right. I still love my ex, he is a good friend to me, and I really miss all of the good times we had together, but I don't miss the times I cried myself to sleep, or the times when he completely disregarded my feelings..or when he forgot about me. I know to a certain extent that my ex loves me too, but what his feelings are.. I don't know. As much as I want to go back and be with him, I know that I can't, and I remind myself of this and if I did I would just be back in the same place as before... miserable.

Of course you still love him, and you will for a long time. But think about it this way, do you want to search for someone that will make you happier than your ex did. Or do you want to be with someone that may make you feel good for a while, then you'll be back into the crap that made you unhappy. You should stop worrying about him and if you hurt his feelings. You need to worry about what makes you happy. Keep in mind that ex's always come back to you in some form or another, basically to see if the grass is still greener on the other side. I think your time with your ex is done, and you should wish him well.

I would have a heart to heart with him if you haven't already. You're ex may still want to be with you...I'm not sure. But what I would do is say that you love him, but you aren't in love with him, and you need to move on with your life. I would cut off all contact for a while, NO talking to him, NO email, NO IM, NO nothing. It will help you, the more distance you have and the less you see/talk to him... the better off you will be and feel.

One last thing to think about, if you married him today...would there be anything that you would be gaining off of that. Can you honestly wake up in the morning 30 years from now and look at your "ex" and still love him? Or do you want to wake up to someone who you still have that same love the day you married him. You just dont want to marry someone and regret it down the road. Look for that inner happiness that you need, go out and date lots of guys, don't worry about trying to be with someone, it will happen. Whatever is meant to be will be. He will be in love with you for a long time, he will try to contact/see you any way he can, you need to have a clean break from him..tell him that...and move on with your life.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 2:10pm
You have gotten some wonderful advice from the other posters. I agree myself. My ex-bf wants to get back together after we broke it off 6 months ago and even though lately he has been there for me as a good friend and always reliable and opening up more now I think that it would be a mistake for me to go back with him because the same problems would probably resurface and I would be unhappy again. I don't really feel in love with him anymore but I do still love him as a person and a friend. There are times where I'm very tempted to go back with him but I think that he might be wanting to try now so hard just because he had a delayed reaction in the grieving stage and might be feeling abandonment issues. It was just the wrong timing for him to come back. Maybe if he would have done all this thinking a month or less after we broke up and didn't delay then I wuold have taken him back but it was just too late for that and I probably would have regretted going back with him anyway after awhile. I think it's best to leave a situation that you are not truley happy in but just comfortable in. Sometimes you are just better off as friends because even if you guys seem to be a good fit in a lot of ways, something is just not quite right enough and you might be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole if you have been on and off for 6 years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 2:32pm
Biochic, you sound like me exactly...but 6 months from now. I love my ex, and I truely care about him as a friend. I haven't been in love with him for a long time now, and I know that if I can have him as a friend, then that's what I want, but I may not be able to have that. He keeps contacting me every now and then, mainly just to see how I am and to keep me around in his life. I feel that somewhere down the road here, he will start to realize that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. He'll start contacting me more, and doing whatever to try and either win me back...or get me into bed. I know that I can't go back to that, the miserable feelings and all. I'm trying to move on as best as I can, and he hasn't tried to get back with me. He's said that he missed me, and I know he loves me. But I think that where I am now and the decision that I made was for the best, and I know that I deserve something that him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 1:50am
Yup, I know exactly where you are coming from. I still really value my ex's friendship alot and value him as a person I just don't see myself with him in that way at least not now if ever really because usually when I get over someone I get over them for good and never go back. That's just me. I've told my previous boyfriends to make quick decisions and changes to help the r'ship at it's end because once I move on I don't go back. I try really hard when I'm in r'ships and sometimes try too hard but then when I let go I let go for good. I've had a couple of them want to work on the r'ship again all after I've already moved on and the timing was always off. Funny how that happens, the men come back after they know you've already moved on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 8:51am
It seems that way that when they know you are ready to go, they just string you back up and just to see that nothing changes and back to trying hard again, evolving our lives around them. Hard to come to grip... But knowing what is best and actually doing it is a different story unfortunately.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 2:10pm

I totally agree with the other posters. I do think it's important to realize you can't have it ALL--but you can have more than you have right now. There are always going to be guys who treat you like gold, who love you so much, and they are wonderful guys. But although being with someone who treats you well and loves you is essential, it is not enough, by itself, to sustain something long-term, if you don't feel more for him. Of course, alibabab and the other posters are right--the movie/book "butterflies" and "spark" are not realistic, over the long term, but you know in your heart that what you are feeling is not enough for you to be happy. I don't think that feeling will change. I don't believe there is just one person for everyone. With that in mind, he is not the only guy out there who will treat you right and love you. You don't want to "settle"--no one should have to. And neither should he.

Someone very close to me is separated from her husband of 1 1/4 years right now for the exact reason you say. She felt like you did when she married him, but she did not have the strength to break it off. Now the possibility of divorce is coming up...and that is much worse than the pain you might feel at losing this guy now. Not to mention how hurt her husband is. Be strong, and best of luck.




Edited 4/28/2006 2:15 pm ET by nyskepticalchick
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:28pm

Dear XXandexx:

Your question about whether to risk your pursuit of passion or settle for a safe and comfortable relationship is extremely complicated. There is no "right" answer, unfortunately. I would certainly urge you to join discussions on the marsvenus board and to call one of their coaches, too.

But here's my nonprofessional opinion:

Every young person, under the age of 30 let's say (but even that is arbitrary) really deserves to be madly, passionately, limerently in love at least once! It's an experience that deepens us, even though limerence rarely works out! It's what music and poetry and art portray. I don't know how I would feel had I not had this painfully exuberent experience (and more than once!).

However, as we mature, we reach a stage where we begin to know that the real magic of love is the love that we make over many years to the same person. We love them, not because of what is loveable about them, but because that is what we choose; that is what is in our characters to do.

If you are young and uncertain about this love, step back from it lovingly, and pursue your heart's desire. If you're older, look deeply within to see if you're ready to enjoy the profound commitment being asked of you.

beyondmeasure