Can this work?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Can this work?
5
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 5:41am

I've been seeing my boyfriend exclusively for almost a year now. We are both 27 and I have a six year old daughter from a previous marriage. He's never been married and I am only his second girlfriend.

We get along just about perfectly. I have no reservations about him whatsoever. My daughter adores him and he adores her. We rarely argue and when we do we are able to remain calm and rational, stay on topic (as opposed to bringing up things done in the past), and resolve the issue. It's so refreshing after my relationship with my ex-husband. We have no lack of passion in our relationship and it grows stronger all the time. There is no issue we can't discuss openly and honestly. He's kind and thoughtful, and would do anything to help me out.

Here's the only issue: I don't want to get married. I don't even (especially) want to live with him. We've taked about it alot and he says he'd like to get married but it isn't all that important to him. He says he'll get married anytime I ask, but that it's perfectly fine with him if we don't too, as long as we always get to be together. We've decided that if we do there will not be a wedding and there will not be rings or anything like that. Neither one of us wants that. When I look at the future of our relationship in my mind, I can't really imagine getting married until I reach retirement age, if ever.

However I'd be more likely to want to get married than I would want to live with him. I feel like we are both the type of people who really need our space. We need to have out own things and our own homes which we get to keep however we like. I know, KNOW, that if we moved in together it would become a huge stress on our relationship. Currently we spend two night a week toghether when my daughter is away for the weekend, and he comes over to my house in the evening a couple times a week and usually stays for dinner. We also usually spend part of the day together on Tuesdays and Wednesdays before my daughter comes home from school because we both have those days off work. Though we sometimes miss each other when we're apart I think we both really need that time to ourselves. He has said he needs a lot of time alone and so have I. He has told me that while he would be ok with living together in the future he doesn't want to do so now or any time soon. He has also said that if we do live together we will need clearly defined seperate spaces. Personally I don't think that would be enough.

I also can't ever see combining our finances. He makes financial decisions now that I would not make (not neccesarily bad ones, just different priorities), and vice versa, and while the decisions he makes are not my problem now, they would be if we were married and especially if we had a joint bank account. I just don't think we'd ever be able to agree on those things without it becoming a major point of contention on a regular basis.

I keep thinking that the reason our relationship is so great is because we keep things seperate, and I'd be perfectly happy to keep it that way. He says he'd be fine with keeping it that way too. Can people maintain a long term committed relationship without ever living together or marrying? If it's what we both want and niether one of us is pushing for marriage or cohabitation, then can it work, even over the long haul?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 8:43am

You 2 are no where near to the point of getting married at this stage. With that whole comment about if we get married there wont be any rings, etc...that really sounds like that was coming from you, and it sounds like you are scared of that whole idea.

As far as a long term relationship, you are only a year into it, give it sometime before you start making any kind of long term decisions or plans. In a year or two years from now you're whole outlook on the relationship could be completely different, and so could your BF's. Just keep in mind your happpiness, trust your instinct, and know the difference between what your heart and your head is telling you. This guy seems to like being with you, but still needs that "freedom" in his life...and so do you.

That comment about "we do live together we will need clearly defined seperate spaces"... that just means that he's not ready to move in with you... period... that's a BS line if you ask me. If a man is ready to be commited to you and wants to live with you, he won't be like that. He'll be more inclined to get married at that point in his life. Let him put his money where is mouth is, if he talks a lot of stuff, and doesn't do it... then you'll know where his priorities and his head is at.

Being that you're his second GF, you need to think about a few things, granted your both 27, but men tend to mature a bit slower than women so just keep that in mind. It's very difficult to be with someone when they aren't up at your level, and you should not change what you want to please his needs.

Honestly, I don't think your RL is going to work long term at all. You seem to like the idea of getting married down the road, but not yet. Your with someone that seems to like the position he's in, but isn't truely ready to be with you long term. Remember that you can't change your needs and expect a man to stay with you...it doesn't work. I would say that you should enjoy the time you have together, but understand that it's not going to last. Wouldn't you rather be with someone that gives his all and is ready for that? My advice would be to go for someone that's a bit more seasoned, and is older than you. Older men tend to have their life in order, and know what they want.

Men can't be changed. I learned the hard way after 3 1/2 in a RL, and I know he's got a lot of growing up to do. I still love him, but hopefully someday we can be friends again...but that will take time. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 10:18pm


I really dont see any reason why it wouldnt work. If both keep wanting the exact same thing. The only problem will be if one of you changes their mind about what they want some day ( ie. marriage)

Personally I'd love what you have for the rest of my life with one special guy. Some day I hope thats what I find.

~~Ginger~~ :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 10:58pm

<< Can people maintain a long term committed relationship without ever living together or marrying? If it's what we both want and niether one of us is pushing for marriage or cohabitation, then can it work, even over the long haul?
>>

I don't see why it couldn't work. As the saying goes "if it ain't broke, don't try 'n fix it."

The only reason it wouldn't work is if either of you feel the pressure of or succumbing to the expectations of OTHER people. But, as long as neither of you are subject to conforming to the conventions of others or what "society" expects ... you simply enjoy what you both have together and say "the heck with'em." Right?

The only other reason I could see it NOT working is if he decides that he wants to have children. In which case, he might not be as "go with the flow" on the marriage topic and want marriage as "family unity." You didn't say whether or not you wanted more kids? And since he doesn't have any kids, he might want that down the road, right?

I'd disagree with previous poster that perhaps you're just scared of marriage. It's not uncommon for people who have been married before to decide that it's just not for them. Perhaps down the road, after more time has past from your previous marriage, you might change your tune on it. But, I don't see anything wrong with knowing that it's not what you want ... even if it's knowing that, right now, it's not what you want or envision for yourself. Thus, you plan your life accordingly knowing that you're in "in it for the goal of marriage."

As for him, it sounds like he's content with going along with what you want ... BUT, deep within him there ... it does sound like he DOES want to get married (ie, I'll get married if you want to). Could it be that perhaps he's hoping you'll change your mind?

For now, it's only been a year. And it sounds like it's working. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Avatar for incognito_mosquito
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:03am

"The only other reason I could see it NOT working is if he decides that he wants to have children. In which case, he might not be as "go with the flow" on the marriage topic and want marriage as "family unity." You didn't say whether or not you wanted more kids? And since he doesn't have any kids, he might want that down the road, right?"

I don't want any more kids and he has never wanted kids. I'm not able to have anymore anyway. So it's a pretty moot point.

Avatar for incognito_mosquito
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:16am

"You 2 are no where near to the point of getting married at this stage."

Damn straight. Wild horses couldn't make me.

The ring and wedding thing was something we both decided. We've talked about it at length. It may be true that I'm scared of getting married again, but I don't see that changing anytime in the near future.

"As far as a long term relationship, you are only a year into it, give it sometime before you start making any kind of long term decisions or plans."

Well at this point in my last relationship I was already married with a child. When someone is worth it to me things tend to move quickly.

"That comment about "we do live together we will need clearly defined seperate spaces"... that just means that he's not ready to move in with you... period... that's a BS line if you ask me. If a man is ready to be commited to you and wants to live with you, he won't be like that."

You have to understand that he said that after I went off for nearly twenty minutes about how we could never live together. See he said that for my benefit, not his, to assure me that if I decided I wanted us to live together that we would both need to have some privacy and that he was ok with that. I'm GLAD he's no pushing me to move in with him because I don't want to.

"He'll be more inclined to get married at that point in his life."

He has said he'd marry me tomorrow if I asked him to.

"Honestly, I don't think your RL is going to work long term at all. You seem to like the idea of getting married down the road, but not yet."

Honestly I have no desire to really get married at all. If I did it would be because it was something he wanted, and as long as he's ok with not being married I'd prefer to keep it that way. However if a LONG time from now he wanted to make it official, I think I could be ok with that.