How certain does one need to be...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
How certain does one need to be...
4
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:39am

...that they have 'the one' in hand? Or that I am the right one for him.

We have two very different cognative styles. He, very logical/analytical. I come from the right side - abstract and very emotion-driven. For most matters-that-matter (eg. finances, emotional needs, intimacy, religious, etc.), we are in synch.

In a recent discussion, he alluded to the partner in his last relationship (of 4+ years), as one who was "very intelligent" and for the most part they "got along". He and I frequently have cross words, and I'm unsure if it's because he cannot relate to my style of decision-making. It was insinuated in the course of conversation that I'm "not always correct".

For a relationship to survive, how important is it to have similiar thought processes?
Obviously, it's affected me enough to post my feelings.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:54am

As I'm like him.........what he means is that you "think with feelings".

Feelings are relevant...but they're not facts, goals, calls to action, or tools of cognition.

If someone is driven, focused, self-aware, and responsible...they can still be emotionally available. But they don't "think" with feelings...nor do they prioritize feelings and make feelings an issue as if they must be discussed, resolved, or managed.

That is likely what he means.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 2:43pm

redriderrr....

After reading your post the first time, Pianoguy immediately thought of the Paula Abdul hit: "OPPOSITES ATTRACT!" But after a 2nd reading...he got an entirely different impression.

Anyway... here goes...

You're 'competing' with a former g/f who had a 4-year plus advantage over you! She probably thought 'the way he wanted her to?' Whether this was right or wrong is anybody's guess? But comparing her thoughts to yours really isn't the issue. You could approach a total stranger and say whatever is on your mind...and your words might be open to scrutiny, debate or argument?

This leaves you with 2 choices:

1. Think the way this gentleman does...in order to please him! And betray your own point of view....

or

2. Express yourself honestly....with the hope that he'll eventually 'wake up' and realize there are different opinions? The man might actually grasp the fact that you're able to think independently....in addition to being a terrific lady for him?

I honestly think that men and women have to have "similar thoughts" on several issues in order to get along and (possibly) co-habitate? . BUT....I don't believe that one opinion should be the 'dominant one' for everything!

Just 'getting along' is a lousy reason to spend A LIFETIME with anybody!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 2:52pm

I don't think you need to have

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 3:48pm

PG,

What fantastic insight. Right on that I'm probably displaying a bit of womanly competition with someone who isn't a part of *our* life, and a person who was likely completely different from myself. It makes absolute sense to always be true to who I am first and formost.

Here's to many, many more opportunities to merely 'agree to disagree' with my very own Alpha "Can Do No Wrong because I'm The Best at Everything and Therefore I'm Always Right" Male!

(I do love my jackass like no one's business)

Thank you for putting so much thought into your reply. It was greatly appreicated.

RedRiderRR