encouraging someone to open up
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encouraging someone to open up
| Fri, 02-17-2006 - 11:19pm |
I have a situation that's pretty difficult right now with someone I'n seeing who's in the Navy and is currently on a 6 month deployment right now. I dated him for a couple of months before he left and we really started to like each other a lot before he left. He was never one to express feelings through words and always did through affection and action. He never really let me into his world too much really but we always had a blast together and would make each other laugh all the time and there was never really a dull moment and the unspoken dynamic/chemisty that we had going between the 2 of us was good you could tell there was caring and mutual respect. He left a month and a half ago and we've been keeping in contact via email everyday and he has called a few times since he's been gone, most of the conversations have been short though. I feel as if his emails to me and conversations are more topical and that he isn't revealing to me how he feels. I'm not sure if this is just the way he is or if he's just afraid to open up or both. I know you can't force someone to open up to you but sometimes you can encourage it. I've told him in past emails that if he ever feels like he wants to open up to me to feel free to do that. Does anyone have any advice for me on how I can encourage him to open up to me in a gentle way that doesn't sound like I'm forcing anything or is it even worth my time to try to do this?

I don't believe that there is a way to gently encourage people to open up. With this in mind, I'd be advising you to either accept him how he is or move on.
But if you decide to accept him how he is, do think of the future. If you and he were to forge a relationship together, his lack of sharing emotions would be a nightmare for you. At the very least I would imagine that you'd feel isolated from his mind and at the worst you'd never be able to effectively resolve issues.
Now is not the time to push for him to be emotionally open with you for two main reasons.
1) If his deployment is true active duty, then he must be of strong body, strong mind and strong character. His life and the life of others with whom he is serving depends on this. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his obligations for service to your country. He needs to stay in complete control to perform his duty of honor. Please try to respect that.
2) Your face-to-face time has only been two months. During times of high infatuation many men will try to effectively manage expectations - both his and yours. We don't want to make significant relationship decisions during high infatuation as our thinking and vision is somewhat clouded. This is a period of time where he is getting to know your character, values, ethics and attitudes. As infatuation settles then there is more opportunity to open up.
I would suggest that you be supportive and proud of him at this time. When he returns home and re-settles, then you can connect at a deeper emotional level.