Boyfriend and Kids
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Boyfriend and Kids
| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:56am |
I have a boyfriend right now, and we have been going out for just under 4 years. We are very happy and I feel like everything is right except, he's made it sort of clear that he wouldn't mind not having kids. I want kids and if I could I'd have them right now, but I'm only 19 and I want to have an education, job and marrage before I do so, and he knows that. We know we want to get married, but we dont want to rush,( we want to finish school first.) He knows I want kids and I love his nephews as if they were my own. Im really scared to continue in this relationship if he doesnt want kids, that is something I want, and I dont want to wait forever. I want to have kids at around 25 years old, and If we cant agree on that I dont think hes the one. I need help. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
-Wkbrdr20
-Wkbrdr20

I think you are right that if you can't agree on this then he's not the one. I've heard of a number of marriages which ended up in divorce because the couples couldn't agree about having children. There are some people who really don't feel that strongly one way or the other about having kids and can truly compromise and go along with what their partner wants even if it isn't the decision they would have made if the choice was left entirely up to them. The problem is that for all of those people there are also many people who will lie to their significant others or even to themselves about what they'll be willing to compromise on in the future, and then when the time arrives, they can't go through with what they had promised.
You may want to try to talk to him and see if you can get an honest answer about the thought of having kids in the future makes him feel. If it sounds like he might be fine with having kids in the future and you have a relationship that makes you happy otherwise, then you might want to stick things out a few more years and cross that bridge when you come to it. If at 24, you find that you have to go seperate down paths because you want different things out of life, it's not going to be the end of the world. You'll still have plenty of time to find somebody new. I know that you're eager right now to get on with your life. But I can tell you, I am 28 and 19 really feels like it was only just yesterday. These years go by faster than you expect them to. There is really no need to rush things.
I would just advise you that if he sounds at all iffy about having kids, wait until the two of you are actually ready to start a family before getting married. That way you can avoid a situation where you marry him thinking that you have reached an agreement about having children only to find out later that he can't bring himself to actually go through with having kids.
Yes. You need to be a woman and have a real hard deal breaker conversation with your BF. If you've got marriage and children in mind and he doesn't then there is absolutely no reason to stay dating him. It'll only lead to heartache, resentment, and an even more painful breakup because you'll have spent even more years of your life investing in something that isn't going where you want to go. The last thing you want is to have kids with someone who doesn't want kids.
So sit him down and say that he needs to be honest and true to his wants. If some day (and stress that) you two are married, does he see kids in his life? Does he want to be a daddy? And pay close attention to his answer. If it's a "yes...but" in any form other than "yes but some day not today" then you know his answer is "no...but". Then you're right back to having kids with someone who doesn't want kids. Don't let him do it to appease you and make you happy, because you can guarantee that it'll get to a point where he resents you for letting him get there.