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| Wed, 02-22-2006 - 11:08am |
Here's the situation, met a guy online, went for a date - had a REALLY good time, we've been seeing each other for about 1 month. I should mention that he's been separated about 1.5 yrs, and lives in his own place (I've been there) working on the divorce. We don't meet on weekends cause he has children (I don't). Here's the thing, he keeps posting ads looking for dates, although when I'm with him, I feel that he really likes me (the little things he does), I know its only been a month and I shouldn't stake a claim, but the 1st time I saw the ad, I felt like I was sucker punched. I don't know whether I should bring it up or let it slide till we get more serious. Btw, I really do like the guy very much. your thoughts?

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Have an honest talk with him. Since he's going through the baggage of a divorce, you may need to give him some time to breathe on that. Maybe he's looking for a rebound of sorts, I dunno. But understand that it's only been a short time since you've been with him, so give it time and see where things go.
He may not want to be with just 1 girl exclusively...I mean think about it... he just came out of marriage with one girl...would there be a reason why he would want to do that again... and right after the fact. I know I wouldn't do that, unless I fell for someone really hard...or that new person was the cause of the divorce in the first place.
Give things time, and have fun with it. Good Luck!
<< I don't know whether I should bring it up or let it slide till we get more serious. Btw, I really do like the guy very much. your thoughts? >>
Do you know that he's still posting ads because a) he told you that he's still online dating ... or b) you're still online b/c you're checking his status?
If (b), and you bring it up, then ... while asking him about it, just keep in mind that you're also letting him know that you're monitoring his activity. That's fine, but that could also cause him to question why you're monitoring him online, kwim? (and at a month of dating, you're right ... it's not time to "stake claim.")
If (a), he's letting you know that he's still online, then ... what's there to bring up? He's saying that he's still dating other women.
However, if you've found this out on your own, bringing it up is a simple as letting him know YOUR intentions (ie, "I'm going to delete my account on Match" (or whatever site you met him on). From there, see what he says.
<< I don't know whether I should bring it up or let it slide till we get more serious.>>
Are you assuming that things will get more serious? What if it doesn't?
That said, a) don't assume anything and b) if something's bothering you or you have something you want to say/share ... by all means, say it, share it. Waiting is just a way of prolonging something because you don't want the answer.
>>I should mention that he's been separated about 1.5 yrs<<
I saw a comment about him not being divorced yet. Personally, I wouldn't worry about that because it took me about 3 years to get formally divorced. In the meantime, I'd met a new bloke, bought a house with him, had absolute commitment and was starting to plan having a family. The only reason I hadn't divorced was because it was a pain in the butt with all the paperwork .... and I was having too much fun doing more interesting stuff ;-)
Dear all that replied,
Thank you so much...this whole thing had been bugging me for a while, and while I do like this guy, I realize that I shouldn't have let this bug me for as long as it had....I'll bring it up next time I see him, i've been sorta avoiding him till I knew what I wanted to do. I know, i know, not a good way to resolve things, but its only been 6 days....thank god for message boards....you guys rock!!! wish me luck and peace out....
If you'd look strictly at facts you'd see clearly what is happening.
The guy is not looking for commitment. He's got a wife despite a separation. That' s awonderful way for him to ensure he doesn't pay out what he can't afford, and he can't get into another commitment.
He has children....that he has every weekend because he prioritizes being a father - yahoo for him!
But he's looking to "date".....dating is not about a future, it's not about finding a life partner, and it's not about commitment or caring. Dating is simply enjoying fun, events,conversations, sex if agreed to and companionship in mutual ways for mutual enjoyment AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME. Period.
So he's a "separated" man that cannot make a commitment. Because he can't commit - he has every impetus to "date".....and date and date and date. If women he dates "want a relationship" - anybody with two brains cells hearing he is still married and separated for 1.5 years runs the other way.
You have no clue how "selfish" that is on his part....I've been around the block, I get it, there are all these reasons, justifications, and situations that make this "the right thing to do at this time for him"....yes, I know. And he's not shortchanging his children to do it - which means it's a double "okay".
But he has no desire to find a partner...he has every desire to go out and do what he did not ever, or hasn't for awhile becuase of his marital/parental obligations - which is DATE. Not attach, not commit.
At some point youre giong to ask yourself "where is this going" - when you do that you'r going to a little later bring that up to him.
Well, a factual review now can tell you the answer now. Nowhere. He's a married man, no matter how he "feels" - facts and laws do not permit him to make a commitment. He's married "by choice" - don't forget that. HE could divorce, but this is more convenient for him in light of situations, obligations, etc. To remain married and "available" to date......to be married and unable to commit.
In short, "marriage" in name only is keeping him out of potential conflict with other women who want more than he does in terms of a relationship. and marriage in name only allows him to flirt, date, sleep around, and enjoy his life like a bachelor - except when he has his children.
So you're dating a married man. It's a technicality......but heis just that. He has no legal way to make a commitment. If a persn has no way to do it - they don't prioritize doing it, they don't engage in any activities would inspire the desire to do it.
he's "dating" you- he very likely wants to date quite a few people at one time because he can, he's young, attractive, available to date...and by his standards he's got a asafe out "he's separated and has kids".
There's nothing immoral or wrong or bad about what he is doing. I'm sure his wife is aware he's dating.....it appears he's prioritizing parenthood over dating and sex and fun whenever the arrangements allow, or the situation permits........he's paying his bills, working his job and not mooching off "the system".
But he's unavailable to make any sort of commitments or create obligations, because he's in a committed liason and he has already created obligations (his children).
He obviously doesn't want to divorce.....donn't read into that he has "feelings" for her and is considering reuniting (he might be).......but he has reasons be they logistical, practical, financial, or emotional on his part that have him willing to be "separated but not divorced".
So if you're dating this man thinking that some point it is possible he'll want to make a commitment, you're barking up the wrong tree. He can't....becuase he chooses not to handle the details of his life that would make that his option.
Let's say that he remains married, separated until the children are 18. There are sound financial reasons to do that in some states and in some situations.
So would you want to "live' with a married man for many years - being a figurehead in the lives of his children, interacting with his WIFE as you're involved with the children and him, and of course she and he are going to be involved in many ways. Divorced there is court ordered agreements an requirements - not much to discuss - just lots to adhere to. Without divorce everything is subject to situational review, and immediate timeline discususssion...so you'd have him having alot of contact with ehr for the sake of his children, and your lives would be less predictable as a result of no set requirementss/options regarding the children.
So are you prepared to step into the man's life and be a convenience, while he has obligations, to a wife he won't divorce, because it is going to "cost" him in some way something he doesn't want to give up?
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Thank you for your insight, you are correct. Except that I am notorious for giving people the benefit of the doubt. I know he married by choice, I know he's not divorced yadda yadda....lets just put it this way, I'll talk to him, (that sounds so ominous) - I am going to be straight with him, and whatever the outcome, it is what it is. I will let this board know how it goes....definitely.
Ex Animo
Buggytape
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