After The Fact**

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2006
After The Fact**
3
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 10:22am
O.K.
I have filled you all in once before, last week, regarding the situation with me and someone that I was dealing with for the past year, off and on. Well, as the story goes, this was a man that I hadn't seen in 3mos. through no fault of my own; he barely even conversated with me unless I chased him down. So, when I said Forget it and stopped calling him, that's when he wanted to call me. Anyway, he was away in Orlando the week of Valentine's Day and so I didn't hear from him the entire week; ok, whateva.....But he calls me on the following Monday to say hello and see how things were going. I was very casual with the conversation, because now I know that I have to watch what I say with him, because of the way he perceives things at times; which was an issue in our past....Well, when we were getting off the phone that evening, I told him that I had to go and I would speak with him later..he then tells me that if I'm not busy to call him..OK that was an absolute FIRST. He has never told me that since we've been trying to "figure" things out here. Anyway, the next day I speak with him at work and he sends me this picture of himself; very nice looking and handsome; he has decided to grow his goatee which is very becoming of him...So I complimented him on the picture and then he tells me that he will be coming to Philly the next day for work and he would call me. OK, well, the next day comes ( Wednesday) and I didn't hear from him all day long, so around 4pm, I decided to contact him to see what was he up to; he was busy and toldl me that he'd call me back. Well, I was prepared for bed around 8:30pm and my phone rung; it was HIM and he said that he was done in the city and wanted to come over. I was completely floored. Again, I hadn't seen him in 3mos. So he finally gets to me and I was so happy to see him,but played it cool. He hugged me and hugged me; wanted to keep kissing on me and all. He told me that he didn't come all the way to see me just to let this go again for another 3mos. He said that he would definitely be coming back soon. OK fine, but no sex was involved and he wasn't pressed on that. He was just happy with holding me and stroking my face and caressing me. Well, I wanted to see what was up with the past 3mos. I didn't want to pose many questions, but he just kept saying how much he'd missed me,everything about me from my smile, to my smile, my eyes..everything...so we talked and he said that the next time he came down to see me ( because we live an hour apart), we would have a nice dinner followed by some good love making......OK fine, we haven't sexed in 5mos. and I have been celibate every since. Well, I am now confused, because after all of this missing me and hugging on me , can't let me go....I spoke with him again on Saturday and I won't say he was cold towards me, but the conversation was very casual on his part. I heard no excitement in his voice or anything. So now I'm questioning things like : Why would he come see me after 3mos. and then act so distant when we speak again? Why did he really show up? I dunno....Someone help me understand this please.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 1:12pm

Have you ever heard the phrase "Is the grass still green on the other side?"

Not really knowing your situation, I would say that he wasn't seeing/with anyone at that time, and "knocked" on your door to see if you were available, and you let him in. I'm assuming he's an ex BF, and ex's ALWAYS come back in some form or another. Hell my ex won't leave me the hell alone...he calls/contacts me at least 1-2 times a week...and it makes it difficult to try and move on ya know?!

Anyways this was a "booty call", and granted girls associate sex/and their feelings all in one. That's why you shouldn't hook up with an ex untill you know that you have NO feelings whatsoever for the ex. In this case you did. It's hard to separate yourself from all of that... but it will take some time.

So my advice would be that you got "some"...but move on, and not contact him again...write him off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2006
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 2:23pm

Sweatpea79...thank you for your response, and I do love your cliche' about the grass being greener on the other side. Let me post to you the whole situation with us and you'll see how things have transpired over the past year:

Well here's the situation: ( Kinda Long; Sorry )
I met him online towards the end of January 2005. We immediately connected and we then exchanged numbers and began to converse via phone. It was a few weeks before we met, but then we ended up meeting when I invited him to come see me one evening after work. Things became connected with us and we were off to such a great start. We had established a pattern that, because we live an hour away from each other, we would see each other (1) night during the work week (Normally Wednesdays) and then every weekend. So that's the type of pattern that we set up for ourselves. We both gave this alot of time and were really devoted to it.

This carried on for 4 months. I then wanted MORE from him; I wanted a commitment, so I asked him what was our status at this point; he proceeded to tell me that we were "more than friends, but not yet exclusive". Therefore, I kept my options open to date others, because I said, well, I guess we have an open relationship at this point. I guess he later thought about what he said, and 2 weeks later told me that "he loved me". I didn't acknowledge that either way, and he became upset.

Things after this were ok, but I was upset that he wasn't ready to commit to me totally! So anyway, the month of June, I established a profile on this other dating site and ironically a friend of his (female) told him about it and he runs across my profile. I had pics on there, in which I was fully clothed of course. But he approaches me with the words that he's lost all respect for me and his perception has completely changed. He said that even though I was clothed, it was the way in which I took the pics and the captions that I placed on them. So anyway, this started a complete DOWNFALL with us. He didn't talk to me for a month, and after beggin' him to talk, he finally agreed, but we really didn't do anything but argue.

After this point, starting the month of August'05, he sent me a message on my computer asking if I still loved him, and of course I do, so I said yes....He then wanted to come see me over the upcoming weekend, so I allowed him and we had a nice time. Now, where this becomes confusing is he starts telling me about how he wants to work on he and I in hopes of solidifying our relationship, but he still continued not calling or coming to see me as often. The phone calls would come maybe once per week and I would not see him for 3 weeks or so.

My birthday was on 10 October in which he celebrated with me and told me that he wanted us to "still grow together", and how he didn't want just a causal situation with me anymore , he wanted to be exclusive....BUT, his actions thereafter didn't reflect that..I didn't speak with him anymore the remainder of the month and I was trying to figure out why. I tried contacting him several times; sometimes he'd answer with really nothing to say and other times, he wouldn't answer. So I left it alone.
Starting the month of November, I didn't see him or anything, he actually called me throughout the month a few times, but I didn't call him at all. So towards the end of the month, my grandfather passed away and he called and texted me to make certain I was fine; I'm so confused because he hadn't wanted to talk to me earlier. Anyway, he called my job the 1st Friday in December and wanted to talk. He was very irate at someone (a female) and I didn't understand why. All he told me was that, she was playing a game and it wasn't that serious...So, the next day, he asks to come see me and he wanted to stay over. I allowed him, with no intimacy involved and he began telling me that while his father had passed in September, he had a few friends that came over for comfort/ support. Well apparently, one of the "friends" was his ex girlfriend and they were together for 3 years but separated more than a year and a half ago because of her financial irresponsibility among other things.....Anyway, the girl took his cell phone records and began calling people that he has talked to through the month to see what type of relationship they have had with him.....It was crazy, and I'm like ok....she didn't call me but why would she when he really didn't call me that much. So he was dealing with drama then. That was the last time I saw him; 3 Dec.2005.
Throughout the month of December, I questioned him about getting together and he would say yes, we could meet, but he'd back out at the last minute. I finally got so frustrated that he kept standing me up, so I just poured out all of my feelings to him. He basically told me that he had been staying away from me because everytime he talks to me or comes to see me, I always find a way to ask him " when will we see each other again"...He told me that there's more to life than love and that he wanted to take things slow with us but proceeding with caution.....He said that we didn't laugh or joke anymore, that I was always serious about this love thing. But how could I not be when I am used to talking to you everyday and then I don't see you for months on in.
Any rate, after this He made such a big deal about getting me a Christmas gift and I got him one to, but had I known that I wouldn't see him again, I would have kept my money. He knew that I was going away from the holidays and I kept telling him that we needed to get together to exchange gifts; it never happened. So I sent him an email asking him what did he want me to do with his gift; he never responded; I even told him that I would mail it to him, but he wouldn't respond. He has spoken with me a few times in Jan/ Feb. He even let me knew that he was out in LA for his job on training and sent me a text to let me know he was on his way back home; my question was, why would he do that when he knows he don't want to see me. Which again I question why did he come see me a week ago, after 3 mos. and we DID NOT have sex, nor was he pressed...however, he couldn't keep his hands off me and kept telling me how beautiful I was and how we did share alot of great moments...Now, he's distant again.....What the hell?

This is a man that I care about so much and love him even more. We have shared some great moments and we have good times together; we have alot in common and we share the same goals in life; very compatible. We have discussed marriage and children....we're very happy in speaking on these subjects because we feel that we're at the prime of our lives where we need to seriously settle down and have a family. I just feel that he's so stubborn until he's not thinking clearly......

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 4:43pm

I'll try to relate your situation to mine as of now. I love my ex dearly, and I only want the best for him. But I came to a point after trying SO HARD to make it work, that I came to the choice that I needed to dump him after 3.5 years. I had enough of the worrying, the sleepless nights, and all the crying and stupid BS that he was putting me through. During that time, he talked about "us" getting a house and marriage and all that crap, but once he realized that he couldn't afford it on his own, and wanted to "use" me since I made more than him. But telling him that without being married, that wouldn't happen. Needless to say he's been talking about getting a place for years that he's never come around to it. As far as I'm concerned he'll be with his parents till he's dead...and will never move out.

Anyways, thru all of that he could never "put his money where his mouth was", he was younger than me, no education, still trying to find himself, and still wanted to play with his friends. With me, I'm at a point where I'm ready for a mature, serious RL, and he wasn't living up to the expectations of the RL. I couldn't trust him anymore, plus I knew that he has a lot of growing up to do. Sometimes you need to learn to let someone you love go because at that time, you 2 arent meant to be together.

Plus in your situation, my ex's father wasn't there for him either...he was in jail for a few years. So with no strong male to look up to...I saw the aftermath...it's sad for him.

Your guy is obviously lost and doesn't know what he wants out of a lot of things. In where you said "because we feel that we're at the prime of our lives where we need to seriously settle down and have a family"....that kinda disturbs me. Are you SURE that he's at the prime of his life...are you SURE he wants to settle down and have a family...or is that some place where you think he is because he talks about it all the time....talking and doing are 2 different things. A real man will do "it" when he is truely ready.

In the back of my mind when I was with my ex, I though since we were at an age where people where starting to settle down, and that I felt I was ready...I wanted to wait for him...big mistake. But I'm glad that I'm not in a situation where I'm not married to him or have his kids. I'm in a place where I'm moving on...and I don't have those feelings for him anymore...cause I know that I'm better off without him in my life. But yet he keeps calling/contacting me...after 2 months of not being together.... that I'll never get.

BOTTOM LINE: He doesn't know what he wants...in fact he seems full of s*** and playing games. He wants one thing one day and something else the next. Remember that you can control this situation and have the upper hand...as long as you use it right. He IS stringing you along like a fisherman casts his line out, and is keeping you on the side just in case. Let him be as distant as he wants to be. In fact, you should let him go...it's easier said than done. Don't call him/contact him or anything, and see how often he comes back to you. Eventually the more you ignore him, he will get the point...but it may be awhile. You should go out and start dating other guys, and keep yourself busy as hell. When you learn to let things go/be you will feel MUCH BETTER. I'm in that position now and it gets easier.