I thought he was the one...but...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I thought he was the one...but...
1
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 12:12pm
So I've been on this roller coaster for a while. I started dating my roommate, whom I'd known for over a year a while after I kicked my husband out for cheating on me. My husband and I are currently separated and can file in September for our divorce-state law. So I knew so well, that my roommate, after spending so much time together and going through so much, was the one, he showed me so many reasons why I felt this way. I love his family too. In the past 3 months, I have seen a change, he isn't as mature as he was when he whisked me off my feet, he isn't as considerate and keeps going back to the excuse, "well, I haven't had anything serious in a really long time, it's been just me". He's 3 years younger than me and I truly see that as the reason for the immaturity. I've never dated younger, but I thought he'd be an exception. I know he'd give the world for me, but I'm really questioning our compatibility. He's very short tempered and throws fits, and he really just can't get a long with my cat, whom I've had to put on anti-anxiety because the guy just freaks him out. We have our checking account together since he and I live together, it was easiest. He even moved some of our stuff into storage with his dad in another state because we're getting ready to move to that area in a few months. He's out of town right now because of that, and this is what is spiking these questions because I'm on my own. I don't know what to do. I have this thing about being committed. I will work until I die to make it happen. I just hate to think I'm settling, or that I'm not doing absolutely what I want and that I'm passing up incredible opportunities that could provide absolute happiness. I just don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 1:01pm

Here are my thoughts on the subject:

He's 3 years younger than me and I truly see that as the reason for the immaturity.

-First off how old are you. And where is he in his life. Does he have a stable job/career, is he set in life, etc? Or is he "feeding off of you?" Next thing men who are younger than women are for the most part immature. Take a look at his background? Does he come from a stable background, is he a stable person himself?

He's very short tempered and throws fits

-Umm, ok granted everyone throws fits...but why are you putting up with that kinda crap. Just because he's 3 yrs younger doesn't give him the excuse to throw fits all the time. Would you really want to live with that?

We have our checking account together since he and I live together, it was easiest

- BAD BAD BAD move, you aren't married sooo why are you doing that????? What happens if you want to leave him, or vise versa, think about it he could run with the money that you made. You don't have ANY contract and you are leaving yourself open and are vunerable.

I will work until I die to make it happen

-Stop...just because your ex cheated doesn't mean that you have to settle for the next thing that comes along. The right man will come along for you, and you won't have to work yourself to death in order to make it work. Remember, it takes TWO people and a 50/50 deal in order for it to completely work. This guy WONT change, and your starting to see him for who he TRUELY is. Trust your instinct and your gut on this. If you stay with this guy, and your with him 3 or 4 yrs from now, do you see yourself happy...or miserable? This is something you need to ask yourself.

I just hate to think I'm settling, or that I'm not doing absolutely what I want and that I'm passing up incredible opportunities that could provide absolute happiness. I just don't know what to do.

-Bottom line, your with someone that's NOT your equal...in fact he's WAY below your level. He's talking about that he hasn't had a serious RL in a long time, makes excuses, whines/bitches about things, and YOU put up with it. Understand that YOU cannot change your man, the only thing that will change him is a lot of time, and for him to realize his mistakes and change them. Another thing is why are you moving? For him...or you? Keep in mind something... that if you have are having doubts (which it seems that you are) then why are you with him?

You deserve to be with someone that will treat you like gold and someone that you don't have to worry about, it may take some time but worry about working on yourself and the aftermath of your divorce, cause it seems that you have inner issues that are reflecting in your current RL.

Good Luck!