I am behaving like teen - help!
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I am behaving like teen - help!
| Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:16am |
I have posted on this board several issues I had with my boyfriend. We were together for 4 years and I really loved him. However, our relationship was far from perfect and I could not admit it. I lived in my dreams and let him to take my confidence, beat me and so on. Now am at the point when I think I am fat, ugly and hopeless person. I never heard him to tell me I love you. I always had to ask. Well, I am over him. Finally! He still does not know but I am letting the situation solve by itself. I am so tired of solving problems and crying. OK. Here;s my another problem. I met this guy through the cell phone love game that T-Mobile offers. We exhanged our pics, talked on the phone for hours and met on Saturday. He is really cute, the best looking guy I've ever seen and we really liked each other. I dropped him at his job (his license is suspended) and we just hugged - he said he does not like to kiss. We were supposed to go watch some movie on Sunday but since he was going to move stuff into his new apartment he invited me for early breakfast. It was really early so I was still a bit quiet and so him but we were watching some show and fooling around. He was telling me how cute I am, how beautiful body I have (I never heard it) and of course, I started falling in love. He was supposed to call me in the evening but did not so I text messaged him but he did not reply. On Monday, i was taking him to work in the morning since he works very close to my job and we did not talk much since he did not feel well. Again, promises he would call but didn't. So I messaged him he answered to some of them but did not answer for if we would see again. Then he sent me some message that did not make sense so I asked him what it meant. No answer. After thinking, I found out it was not for me and went to see into the love game. I had another nickname and he wrote immediatly - didn't know it was me. OK. Now I started really behaving like a teenager. i didn't tell him about it but kept writing him, he said he would call in few minutes but didn't. so I texted him and asked him if am bothering him with my messages ... I told him I like him ... he answered this : "Nah, I like you too. Good night and Have a good day tomorrow" Ok, so I being stupid asked him again about the Friday because I like to plan ahead. No answer
Now, I know this is long and really crazy. I am ashamed for myself but I finally found someone who has the same life goals, hobbies, opinions, lifestyle and so on. I honestly fell in love after I thought I would never find anyone if my bofried would break up with me. I do not know what it is like to date anymore and I am afraid I scared him off with my needy personality. I think about him every minute and really want to call him but don't want him to run away and think I am crazy. I need some advice how I should behave, stop messaging him, asking questions, ... what should I do?
Now, I know this is long and really crazy. I am ashamed for myself but I finally found someone who has the same life goals, hobbies, opinions, lifestyle and so on. I honestly fell in love after I thought I would never find anyone if my bofried would break up with me. I do not know what it is like to date anymore and I am afraid I scared him off with my needy personality. I think about him every minute and really want to call him but don't want him to run away and think I am crazy. I need some advice how I should behave, stop messaging him, asking questions, ... what should I do?

I'm sorry to hear about your past problems with your ex-boyfriend. It sounds like you are slowly recovering your lost self esteem and realizing that you are NOT a "fat, ugly, and hopeless person."
This guy came around and he said you were beautiful. So it seems like you became attached to him because you had been feeling so down about yourself, and here was someone saying he doesn't see the negative in you! And you don't yet believe that yourself, so you need some outside force telling you you are beautiful.
But, I think you and he crossed paths not so that you would end up boyfriend/girlfriend, but to remind you that you are a lovely person.
From what you wrote, I do not see dating potential here (and, yes, stop messaging him), but don't let that make you sad. You now know that someone else thinks you're beautiful and with time, you will regain your self-esteem and not need to hear it from someone else (although it will always be nice to hear!!) and you will then be at a healthy point in your life to find a lasting relationship.
All the best!
I think the best thing for you right now is to get rid of both guys, and be single for a while. I was in a LTR and got out not too long ago. I DO know what you mean by the crying and trying to fix problems and such. But I came to realize that I was trying to fix something that wasn't my problem in the first place. My ex has a LOT OF PROBLEMS, that he still needs to deal with...and may never.
First off the thing that you need to understand with men, is to NEVER expect them to do what they say they are going to do. When you stop calling/txt/e-mail them, they will start knockin at your doorstep. When you leave things to their immagination, keep them wondering...hmmm what is she doing now, what is she up to,etc...you have the upper hand and control the situation.
When I first broke up with my ex, I called him/talked with him for the first 3 weeks, then after that I stopped calling/contacting him. I knew that I was putting "wasted energy" into someone that wasn't giving me what I wanted. Then he started to e-mail me a lot and called me at work for "stupid things" just to talk to me. Knowing that I have the upper hand is this is a good thing, cause for a long time my insecurties and my wanting more out of the RL held me back. I know that I'm better off having the control in this, and to say goodbye if need be.
I do see that you have some esteem issues that you need to work on, plus maybe you need "stuff" to do... like something constructive. Keeping yourself busy, whether it be school, sports, going to the gym, etc...helps you keep your mind off of things, plus it makes you look attractive to other guys. I know that being in a RL, you are consumed with spending a lot of time with your man, and wanted to do everything with him. But in the midst of a lot of that, you forget about your friends and family and personal obligations.
From what I'm seeing, your putting all of your energy into someone that's paying attention to you. You should learn to make him work for it, don't call him back...let him call you. If he doesn't call you...makes excuses... then you shouldn't even be with him. A real man with pay attention, and not when he feels like it. I dont think this guy is worth your time. You should work on keeping yourself occupied for a while, and do stuff to make you a better person. Don't fall into the same mess that you had when you were with your ex.
Once your single, and realize how much "wasted time and energy" that you spent on a person, it will help you to know who to spend your energy on. There will be less stress on you, and less crying and be upset over stupid crap. Think about it like this, if you have a cell phone and waste your time downloading ringers or spending time checking your e-mail on the phone that you really don't need to do...and then you see your phone bill is super expensive...it makes you wonder...doesn't it.
<< He still does not know but I am letting the situation solve by itself. I am so tired of solving problems and crying. >>
Problems/situations do not solve themselves. People solve problems by eliminating or resolving the situation(s) that's causing problems. Whether you realize it or not, you're adding another layer to the problem by getting involved or attached to this new guy before breaking it off with your current BF.
Your BF doesn't treat you well. Understandable that you'd FEEL GOOD about and with this new guy. But, do yourself and everyone involved a favor and break up with your BF before you move onto someone new. Otherwise, you're simply "replacing" your BF with someone new ... before you've had a chance to do any healing from your current relationship.
If you are "over" your BF, end things with him.
<< I dropped him at his job (his license is suspended) and we just hugged - he said he does not like to kiss.>>
Be careful of doing TOO MUCH for him ... you may think you're helping him, by taking him to work, but ... he had to figure out a way to his job before YOU ... and, IMO, he should be getting himself to work on his own. Be careful of letting him take advantage of your generousity.
<< We were supposed to go watch some movie on Sunday >> ... << He was supposed to call me in the evening but did not so I text messaged him but he did not reply.>> ... << , promises he would call but didn't. So I messaged him he answered to some of them but did not answer for if we would see again. >>
Sounds like he doesn't have very good "follow-thru" skills. Suggestion: let him take the initiative that he says he's going to. If he doesn't do what he says he's going to do, DO NOT text or call him. It sends him the wrong message (ie, he doesn't HAVE TO follow-thru ... because when he doesn't, he knows you'll be calling him).
I really wish this would work out. My problem is that I am not used to be alone. I don't even know how to live alone and in my case, I even can't. I pay out-of- state tuition and as an international student, I am not eligible for any financial help.
The problem is that I am used to talk on the phone a nd plan my things ahead. I can even say I am selfish because I always want things certain way and get really upset if does not work out. Even if it is my best friend. I don't know how to be patient and say to myself to stop calling him.
His mom is staying with him for some time now so I understand he does not want to talk that much. He also works around 60 hours a week so he is tired. I offered him to take him to work because his job is very close to mine and it would take him like 2 hours to get there if he was riding the bus.
I am really mad at myself for some actions I do. Like today I asked him about Friday and he said he doesn't know that he has too many errands to do and instead of being quiet, I said "whatever". God, I am mad. He got a bit upset so I tried to talk about something else and we ended up laughing. Well, he said he was going to call me tonight which I really do not count on since he was really tired but he also said he will let me know about the Friday tomorrow.
Now, I really don't know why I am writing this. I know what you are going to say but I am praying that this guy will like me and it will lead somewhere. I guess what I am looking for is some advice how to control myself. I feel after talking to him but once alone, I start thinking about bad things. I start thinking what I did worng and what I should have said instead ....
I am usually very busy but I already know that if I do not feel well, I put things away or still do them but think along.
See, on Tuesday, I did not want to call him but didn't make it and I did call him. I was off, he was on his way to work and just said it was bad I did not tell him about my off the night before because we could have been together before he went to work. So what am I supposed to think? I think that he is just different and takes things differently. Should I try to understand him?
You're extremely need and this is a big turnoff for guys. How old are you? It takes a lot longer to find out if you have the same goals and interests. How can you be in love so quickly? Coming from an abusive past relationship, remember that your feelings will be very vulnerable. Don't just settle for the first "cute" guy that comes your way. I also suggest reading the book titled, "He's just not that into you."