Don't know if you guys can help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Don't know if you guys can help me.
8
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 2:13pm
Okay so my BF has given me permission previously, say three months ago or so, to be with a woman while we were together. He said he wanted me to expirement and said he would totally okay with it. Well Saturday night it happened, it wasn't planned, just my best friend and I had been drinking a little and things happened. So I told my BF as soon as I had the chance, and he said he was a little confused or whatever but that he was okay. He did not consider it cheating, and told me not to let him stop it from happening again. Said he was glad I had the chance to explore. Then today he tells me that I cheated on him and it was a horrible thing to do and I was a horrible person for doing it. And for waiting three days to tell him. Well he works nights, and I was unable to reach him until three days later, and I told him the minute I could. Did I screw up by thinking that since he'd said it was okay, it was actually okay? Am I wrong in thinking that he is over reacting a little bit. He told me before that it wouldn't be cheating unless I was with another man, which I have no desire to do. So I am confused as to why he is so pissed at me. If he doesn't consider it cheating, then why did he tell me I cheated on him? I have apologized repeatedly that I didn't have the chance to stop and call him and ask his permission first, but he says that is just arguing symantics and he didn't want to do that.
We have been together a year and a half, and I don't want to mess it up, but I am so confused by his reaction. Any ideas?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 2:23pm
I think your boyfriend may have secretly want to be more involved when this happened. So now he feels you went behind his back and did it. No guy will turn down his woman wanting to be with another but secretly that is because he has hopes he has some parts of it. Since he did not he feels you cheated and went behind his back. There is nothing you can do about it now. But, I would ask him is he more upset because you were with another woman or because he was not there at the time and you will know from his response if it was you cheating he feels or just him not being involved.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:05pm
Thank you for your answer. I did wonder if that was the issue, but when we talked about it before (when he gave permission) we had discussed him being there. And I explained that with it being my first time and all I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Plus I don't really get with the whole threesome thing. And he said that was cool. His best friend who is also my close friend wonders if he has been talking to others about it and they told him that it was cheating. Which may or may not be the case, he's so hard to read. And now he's not talking to me (he's probably alseep now), but he wants time to process and make his decision about what to do. Which I understand. But I'm wondering if I should ask him, or if I should wait for him to make up his mind. What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:17pm
I would also think he had been talking to someone else about this issue. But, I am not one to lose sleep over things so if it were me and bothering me I'd ask to get it out and off my chest. If he then still needs time then it would be his problem. But, over years I have learned my health and well being is much more then someone being upset with me or an argument. JMHO
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:34pm
Thank you again. I will try and speak with him later if he will talk to me and see if I can get to the root of the problem. Thanks for your help.
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 6:51am

I think your boyfriend has learned that fantasy and reality are not are aways the same thing. In fantasy, he thought he would be okay with you hooking up with another girl. When it actually happened, he's suddenly realized he's NOT okay with it and feels its the same as if you hooked up with another guy. He didn't know he was going to feel that way until it happened but that doesn't mean he has the right to go back on his word.

This happens a lot of times when couples try to have "open" relationships or involve other people sexually into their relationship. Often, the idea of it sounds great to them but they don't realize until it happens that reality is much different and sometimes things are better left as fantasy. Unfortunately by the time they realize this, it's too late and the deed is done and often the relationship never recovers from it.

You need to tell him that you're sorry he didn't realize he would feel this way until it happened but he needs to remember that YOU didn't know he would feel this way until it happened either so you've done nothing wrong. Obviously, tell him you're not going to do it again now that you both realize how he really feels about it but he can't continue to be angry at you for doing exactly what he said you should/could do... but if he needs to talk it out with you, you're there for him.

Be warned that he may not be able to get past this though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 8:50am
Thank you so much for your help. When I got to work this morning, there was an email form him saying we need to talk. So we're going to talk about it tonight. He said he's still upset, but we'll see what he says when we get into the meat of the talk.
Thank you so much for all of your help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 11:39am
Well he broke up with me.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 11:08pm

I suspect you are feeling bad; for losing him, maybe even taking the blame for this. My take on it is that he did not own up to his part in this, i.e. giving you permission, maybe even initiating the idea (that was not clear in your posting).

I feel that he set you up and did not own up what he co-created in the relationship. I would not want to be in relationship with someone who does that, who blames.

Another thing.... I learned from listening to relationship therapists is not to share EVERYTHING with your partner, especially other sexual encounters. It is not a matter of keeping things secret but more of understanding what is your intent of sharing such information... and for most people it's under the guise of "honesty" which is BS... it is for guilt alleviation. I don't believe this is your case but FYI for future relationships.

Take care
Mark