So confused...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
So confused...
1
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 4:53pm

I have been close friends with this guy for 7 years. During that time, I have dated friends of his and he has dated, well, everyone on the planet. Three years ago, he told me that he always thought we'd end up together. I pointed out his commitment-phobic ways but he said that I was different and that he could see himself with me, married and with children, even though he could never see himself that way before. (He has only had one long-term relationship, for about 8 or 10 years, before I met him. I don't know the exact details but I do know the break-up upset him and that she's the only girl he has ever told he loved her. He is terrified of the L-word.) Anyway, he told me he wanted to be with me and that he'd felt this way since he first met me but never said anything. He understood that I was in a relationship at the time, so we agreed to put the issue aside and revisit it if I became single and he was still single.

Things didn't exactly work out that way, as we became closer and closer friends and more and more attracted to one another over the next 3 years. He continued to tell me how interested he was in me and how much he cared about me. A couple of times, we kissed and it was incredible. But I pulled away because I didn't think it was fair to end my relationship FOR him. I also moved to another city for almost a year. Now, my relationship is ending and I've been back in town (without the boyfriend) for a month. We've seen each other sporadically (4 or 5 times, with lots of email conversations and a phone conversation or two) and the intimacy has progressed. I feel more comfortable (and more elated!) with him than I ever have with anyone else. He continues to tell me how much he cares about me and how he has been waiting for years for me. He really has always treated me differently than other women. I'm the only one he talks to about truly personal things, the only one to have met some of his family members (he's not from the U.S.) and the only one to have met his closest friends from graduate school.

Last night, we almost had sex, but he stopped, saying it wasn't right. He has slept with hundreds of women over the years, at least one without even knowing her name, but he stopped with me! I told him that I was at a turning point and that I was afraid I would fall in love with him and not be able to go back. I told him that I didn't think he wanted me to fall in love with him and that I never wanted any awkwardness between us so he had to stop kissing and touching me when we see each other if he didn't really want that because I might get hurt and that would be unfair to me.

He agreed. He said that has known I was in town and he has known that I was leaving (I haven't told him that I am definitely staying in town or that I've definitively broken up with my boyfriend because I haven't yet. He does know I'm looking for jobs here.) but he still hasn't called me as often as he wants because he feels he has to stay away from me sometimes. He said it is very hard to stay away from me, so he has to force himself. He said that nothing between us should have changed because of the almost-sex and that we have been just as intimate before (emotionally, I assume). He also said he thought we shouldn't be together. It sounded like an afterthought.

I am stunned. For 3 years, he has tried to convince me that he wanted me and now, this.
What I can't figure out is why the sudden change of heart. I am usually masterful at reading people's emotions and true intent and, to me, it seems like he loves me but is afraid to admit that. That could be one possibility. Or maybe he's even better at faking those feelings and I've been rooked. Maybe he only wanted to sleep with me because I was the only girl to show no interest in him romantically at first. Although, that seems pretty elaborate to me. Plus, he still hasn't had sex with me. Or maybe I lost my chance and should have ended my relationship and gone with him a couple of years ago? So, why did he tell me as recently as last week that he cares about me so much and that he's been waiting years for me? I'm sure there are other possibilities, but I can't see them now.

I know he's got a past with women, but I've witnessed him calm down over the last few years. He doesn't run around like he used to. I don't know what to think. But I do know that I tried for years to stay out of the fray with him, but now I can't stop thinking about him romantically and I really do want to be with him. I appreciate him aesthetically, intellectually, sexually and emotionally. We share common interests and tastes and we have the most amazing conversations. I know who he is and what I would be getting into, but I still want him. What should I do?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 5:38pm

If you're read much about c'phobes, you'd recognize that his behavior is *classic*. Now that your relationship is an actual *possibility*, he's backing away. And I know you haven't discussed the specifics of your availability with him, but if you've been friends for that long, he's getting a vibe (plus he probably knows you well enough to know that if you were willing to have sex with him, something was up).

It wouldn't have done any good if you had broken up with your ex years ago...he would have done the same thing.

I don't know what you can do to get him to have a relationship with you, except maybe find another bf and have him on the side (I'm only half-kidding). You're available now...and that makes you too scary for him.

Sheri