Dating older men...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Dating older men...
11
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:43am

Hey all! I've met a great guy through mutual friends about 2-3 months ago. We're all friends, hang out on the weekends and things have been pretty casual until recently. I'm turning 25 in a few months and according to his friend (I feel rude at this point asking how old he is) the guy, Jack, is 36.
Jack and I have been getting a bit closer lately and he's expressed obvious interest in me. My problem is that he is 11 years older than me. I've always had an aversion to men that are anywhere from 5+ years older than me - I don't really have an explanation for it. Jack is a great guy, I honestly enjoy being around him, but I start to think about his age and whether or not I am physically attracted to him (I have slept over his house a couple times..now I feel like I've led him on) and I start to freak out. This happened before when I was 22 dating a 32 year-old. I tried to forget about his age, but in the end I stopped talking to him because I just couldn't get over it.

Does anyone else have this issue? I'm wondering if there's some way I can slowly get over this. I'm also questioning myself because I have a hard time getting close to someone. I've had relationships here and there, but never anything serious or lasting more than a month. I'm feeling so much anxiety over this situation and wonder if I'm using the age thing as an excuse. I don't want to cut him out of my life, but I'm not sure if a romantic relationship is what I want with him - I don't want him to hate me.

Anyone have some words of wisdom? I'm just feeling really confused right now and appreciate anything anyone has to say. Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 1:22pm

ekdubbs...

Pianoguy suggests that you HONESTLY ASK YOURSELF if the 11-year age difference makes you uncomfortable?

If it does...END THINGS NOW! If it doesn't...MOVE FORWARD & SEE HOW THINGS TURN OUT?

You already know that you'll get 'teased' by friends, family and co-workers about the age difference. But if having a loving, caring, permanent soulmate is MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU than a collection of "catcalls and teases"----IGNORE THEM!

Instead...go with your gut and permit the relationship between you to GROW!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 5:08pm

i am dating a guy that is 7 yrs older, i usually have dated guys younger... i'm 39, he's 46...

i just wanted 2 sai this...

sex is sex, one way or the other... but eventually sex is Just sex... what u really need 2 find is somebody that u like to hang out with.. somebody who makes u laugh... somebody who is easy 2 talk to especially when times are Crazy...

but i understand too, that u r young and wanting the physical thing a lot... i still do at my age... LOL...

i'm just thinking that n the longrun... the Man is what is important... not how well he performs !!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 9:05pm

You say you don't know why you have this aversion to older men. You do know--you just have to look deep within yourself and figure out why (peer pressure, popular media, family history, etc...). Only then can you examine this way of thinking, discard it, and feel free to move forward with this guy, if that is what you want. While it's good to have standards, when you're too rigid with your criteria you risk missing out on a potentially wonderful relationship or friendship. I used to also think I could never date anyone more than 2 or 3 years older than me. Then I met my boyfriend, who is 6 years older and I got over it. I realized I was being so arbitrary and silly because in the end, it's not about the age of the person you're dating (unless you get into issues of being from different generations) but the person you're with.

This is an opportunity for growth so I would say embrace it, don't shy away from it. Examine your thinking closely and decide how important this age thing is for you and how much you will let it dictate your choices in dating and relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2006
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 10:59am
To me age is just a number, It doesnt matter how old we are , if you get along with the person and have a good time together thats all that matters. I to have had issues when i was younger with people who date or are married to older people . But now that im older I have let that go, I know a few older women married to younger men,and they get along great and have been together for years. Im seeing a guy 4 years younger than me and never noticed the age difference because we have been friends for a long time.So what im saying is stay friends with this guy if you want and see where it goes and who knows it might turn into a wonderful friendship or a great realationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 11:08am
I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. I was doing quite a bit of thinking over the past week and came to the realization that I really liked this man. I had run away from some great people in the past and decided that I didn't want to do it again. Unfortunately this man who I thought was mature and not into playing games decided he wanted to be with his ex-gf from over a year ago. I spoke with him Saturday night and was going to our favorite bar - he said he wasn't sure if he could make it. Knowing full well I'd be there, he shows up with his ex and ignored me throughout the night. As he was leaving with her, he stopped and was very nonchalant with me. I was short with him and told him I really appreciated being ignored. He said something back, but I walked away so I didn't hear him. I was so hurt - I finally decided this would be a good thing and that he was a great guy, etc and this ends up happening. I don't understand his behavior - going from hot to cold and then showing up, knowing I'd be there - with his ex. It's like he purposely wanted to hurt me..I felt like I was dealing with a 16 year-old. So I won't be contacting this older man anytime soon, but at least in the future I'll be more open to the idea. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 11:19am

ekdubbs...

Your behavior was wise and very mature. PG gives you a "thumbs up!"

But try to remember that not every "mature male" on this planet behaves in a similar manner. Some of us are actually very flattered to have a 'younger woman' (like yourself) in our lives!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 3:00pm
WELL I AM DATING A MAN That's that is 15yr older them me! sometimes it great but he wants kids and i dont because mine are grown. he has no kids!he has a lot of older friends with no kids too, but sometimes he try to tell me what's best like he's my father! I don't like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 5:49pm

goddess_pammie67...

Assuming you don't wish to go through the "birthing process" another time, Pianoguy would like to ask you a question?

"If this man wants children so badly, would you agree to the idea of adopting one or two?" This way the stress would be off YOU (as well as your body)!

As for "coming on like your Father"----the 2 of you better FIX this problem NOW! Simply because things will only get worse!

Keep in mind that the 2 of you are supposed to have a 'couple relationship'----not a "Dad and his daughter" thing!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 4:52am
It sounds to me that you were the one running hot and cold. You can't expect people to be there waiting for you until you consult Ivillage and make up your mind about them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 2:44pm
I do not make anyone in my life wait while I "consult ivillage". If this is the case, almost everyone who posts on here is doing the same thing.
You do not know the entire situation to say that I am "running hot and cold". I was still talking to him almost daily and seeing him. Never once did I say that I was putting things on hold while I posted for advice. I've learned my lesson from previous situations by running away and made it a goal for myself not to do that again.
I find your comment rude and unwelcomed.


Edited 5/25/2006 2:48 pm ET by ekdubbs

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