so shy about sex will he run away?
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so shy about sex will he run away?
| Mon, 05-22-2006 - 4:42pm |
I'm so shy about everything sexual. I have a boyfriend of six months and i only like to have sex when its dark or only candles are lit otherwise if there is bright light..hell no. I am partly insecure mainly when it comes to sex is where i lose all confidence in myself. In the beginning of my relationship my boyfriend knew i was shy when it came to kissing, sucking, oral, and intercourse. When i got up the courage to try and turn him on by kissing his neck and ear he told me i was doing it wrong and that i sucked and that this is the way to do it...by demonstrating on me. I was soo embarssed that i decided "Fine! If i suck so bad then i wont try at all!" i've never had anyone tell me i suck before and it was really harsh to hear this since im new at it anyway. Now that months have passed by im getting really bored of having sex in the same position (me being on bottom) i want to take control but am afraid of what he will think/say. I mean he never pleases me but like four times out of the six months but thats normal i'm hard to please..and i know faking it is bad but otherwise he would never want to have sex if i told him he sucked...because when he told me i sucked at kissing on the neck..it made me stop altogether out of shame and insecurity. I just want advice on how do i do what i want to do comfortably? I want to try out fantasies and other wild stuff but so afraid of him telling me its stupid, or laugh or just plain out tell me i suck..Also im always very nervous to just do the simpliest things such as kiss or doing oral...im so afraid of what he'll say..How do you get over the fear of not knowing what to do and how to do it?

If you're afraid to try new things for fear of what he will think/say, I can't help but believe that you're in the wrong relationship.
You see, one of the keys to being sexually open is to have a partner who will never criticise or mock you. If a good partner wants something done a little differently, they will make a suggestion without offending you. For example, instead of telling you that you "suck", they will say "hey, try it this way". You need a man who gives gentle encouragement rather than harsh criticism.
Lastly, I want to reassure you that it's quite normal to make mistakes in the bedroom. Hell, I'm nearly 40 and frequently when I try and invent something new it all goes wrong. But my husband and I just laugh it off. And when we were first together, we both had to refine each other's oral techniques!
Amen - sex is one of those things where sometimes, it ain't pretty. But we're not doing it for everything to be pretty, but rather because we want to share that with someone we care about. So, if your partner criticized you in a very intimate moment, that was not very sensitive on his part at all. When we can share something that intimate with another person, it's because we trust them with our vulnerabilities and when you get stabbed right in the chest, it really hurts and leaves a scar.
I would suggest telling him how that really made you feel and how it has affected you. Maybe he didn't realize how he said it. But if he cannot understand and wants you to perform "up to par" in the bedroom and doesn't think you are now, I agree that it might not be the right relationship for you. If he DOES understand you, then you need to know that he's there with you because he likes you and that you should have no reason to feel vulnerable with him.
oh shy_liz18...first of all, your BF is an ASS! Let me tell you something...if YOU tell him HE sucks in anything related to sex, believe you me, he will have issues for the rest of his life (as men do not take lightly to criticism especially when it comes to being a bad lover). So you should tell him to 'suck it'!!!
Now regarding your inibitions about sex:
There is nothing wrong with being shy about sex. I think you'll see as you get older that you will come into yourself more as a woman, and begin to feel more comfortable with your own body and your own sensuality and sexuality.
I would advise this. Try reading, or viewing some of the teachings from the Sinclair institute. And you should explore your body, on your own, and find out what feels good for you. Knowing what you like and don't like is key to having a fulfilling sex life. especially if you are a woman.
Now, in respect to your ASS of a BF:
DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY. He's not a man (clearly) to make you feel even more self conscious than you already are about sex. It is one thing to ask nicely that your partner do something which pleases him/her (yes by showing you), but it's a whole other ball game to say that 'you suck' at something. You even said that you don't 'get-off' from him. I mean, 6 months and only 4 times? And I bet the truth is you've never gotten off with him at all. And what about him? Is he 'getting off' everytime he is with you? I bet he is! He is not concerned about what YOU want but only what he wants. And, unfortunately, there are a LOT of guys out there who are like that. They are immature and often call themselves 'a man'. They are not. A man wants to please his woman, and will do anything for her to achieve pleasure. He will not be selfish about his own needs. He will care that she is taken care of.
AT THIS TIME...
get rid of him. then take the time you would be wasting with him, to find out what you want, what you enjoy, on your own first (don't expect a guy who get into bed with you and know what to do to please when you yourself does not know. Think about it, if YOU don't know, then how would you be able to explain to him what you want? makes sense right?)
LASTLY..there is nothing to feel shameful about when it comes to sex. People have various different desires and likes and dislikes when it comes to sex. Some people like it 'nice', others like it rough. Some enjoy being bitten, others want to be spanked. Do a little research into the sexual realm and you will see that there is nothing to feel ashamed about.
And..BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!!
Sincerely
Maggie-Sue