HELP: Advice needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
HELP: Advice needed
3
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:24pm

hi all-I’m in need of some help and advice…I am a man crashing your boards and will warn up-front my story is very long….but very important to me and I can really use some help from some good, intelligent women

about 4 ½ years ago, while living in chicago, I met and fell in love with the most amazing woman anybody could ever hope to find..we were together for a little under 2 years before we broke up…I ended things and there were a few reasons…we were young when we met (24) and were at a point where we both needed to go back to school to further our education which would require us to be in different places for 2 years (me in Chicago, her in Mpls)……and after that the future would be uncertain and I was feeling like our goals and what we wanted out of life didn’t necessarily match up….she wanted a life in Mpls where she grew up…I wasn’t sure where I would end up after school and my career aspirations are very important and at that time I admittedly had my priorities in the wrong order….throw in the fact that I was young and relatively inexperienced so I found myself asking the typical young male questions of “is this the one” and “how do I know”….the breakup was devastating for her and very painful for me as well…..

for the next year we were “on and off” as neither one of us could truly let go…that ended when she met and fell in love with someone else….so now here we are…two years later…..i’ve moved around a bit and just recently landed myself back in Chicago…over the last two years I’ve dated everyone but haven’t had any truly substantial relationships in part because I think I’ve just been trying to recreate what and who I had and fill that void…I just started a very new relationship with a great girl, but as has happened with every new relationship I’ve started….thoughts of the past consume me….this time it’s worse than ever though…..my ex is still in mpls, now living with that same man….i fearfully await hearing the news that they’re engaged…they’re not yet, but I’d have to imagine that is the next logical step although I don’t know…my ex is a child of divorce and because of that is gun shy about that type of thing….anyway 2 months ago I saw her for the first time in about 2 years when she came through town…it was a rough night for me….she was as angelic as I remember….we caught up but didn’t really talk much about her relationship…we never have…truth is we’ve been in touch but not a major part of each other’s lives over these last 2 years….

I feel now though that I’m at a critical junction where I need some closure…I feel so unresolved about this…so many things unsaid….it feels almost unfair that all these years later, with all that’s happened our lives are now set in a place where we could be together….except for the fact that she’s with someone else…I know nothing about him, their relationship or where its going…I only know that I’ve grown so much these last few years, know what’s important to me, and would marry this women tomorrow if given the chance….i feel the movies and television are filled with these stories of redemption and second chances, and I know people who’ve been in similar situations and had it work….but it seems like my second chance is never coming…which is heartbreaking…I know life doesn’t guarantee anyone a second chance nor does anybody ever “deserve” one but I feel like I made an understandable mistake when I was a young man and I will pay for it for the rest of my life…

My question is what in the world to do……should I say something, make a grand gesture knowing that I have a 99.9% chance of just looking foolish or feeling worse….should I simply lay out to her what I’ve said here in a letter or email without the expectation that it changes anything but to at the very least cleanse my soul, try to get some closure and finally move on…….maybe I should talk to someone professional about this….or maybe I just need to remove myself from the dating scene for a while and take some time to fully heal myself…..i really really don’t know…this just sucks so bad…

I guess if there’s even the slimmest chance of having her back its worth it…but the realist in me says there is no chance…she’s with someone else now and has a whole new life I’m not a part of…I’m sure she still loves me and probably always will since I was her first love and we meant so much to each other…but fact is she is in love with another….i feel like I’m praying for a miracle here…I don’t know….

any thoughts/advice…

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 9:31am

I am sorry this has been so hard for you over the past 2 yrs. I am with you forwarding what you have written here into an email. That way you have said your peace and she has the option of acknowledging this email. Good luck

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 2:22pm

Sounds like this girl was your first everything, and you are having a very hard time getting over her. First off you need to deal with your feelings of her and resolve them. You wont be able to move on to another relationship fully without resolving past issues. You're inital breakup with this girl was it. And it seemed like you left a lot of things unsaid.

On a side note...

My first love I went out with when I was 18 (I'm now almost 27), it was very fast but painfully short. I spent many years being hurt, chasing the fantasy, and chasing him untill finally I gave up and moved on in 2000. Fast forward to 2003, he called me up after he gets a divorce, at that time I was in a RL with another guy (which I'm still with him :() I've talked with him on and off since then. I don't have any feelings for him, but I still consider him someone I can talk to every now and then about my men troubles.

I would dive into someone that can take your mind off of her. Whether it be removing phone numbers, e-mail address, and ANY memory of her. Go out, work, travel, date other people...you will get over her eventually.

Honestly, what I would to is write her a letter and spill out everything to her. But also tell her that you want to see if there's a chance to start the relationship again, and that you have your life in order. Tell her that when you where together, the timing wasn't right and that you wanted to secure yourself first before going into anything long term. Lastly, you should leave the door open to her, but move on with your life and relationships. Tell her that if she doesn't wish to reply back, then you have gotten your answer that she's not interested and there's no chance. Don't give her or yourself the chance to be wishy washy with your replies, just get to the bottom of it and spill it all out.

You need to accept the fact that there are better women out there than her. It will take time, but working on yourself and your life will help to pass the time. After a while, you'll stop looking and then someone special will come around.

She has moved on with her life, and hasn't made any attempts to get back with you. You haven't talked in like 2 years, and yet you keep going back to the one thing that was good to you. Don't go obbessing over something you have no control over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 4:21pm

Hey Guy.

Unfortunately I have to disagree with the Letter, and the Email. While a Man might appreciate the 'cop out' way of saying 'I Love You' in an email or letter without a mandatory response, Women dont. (This also means phonecalls!)

We are creatures of eye contact, touch and smell. We cant trully know where you are coming from or how deep your convictions are without hearing you, and seeing you. This is a very special girl, and I'm sure she knows it. And the way you describe your relationship, is a pendant of how deep it might have been. Women never forget these things. We are also creatures of detail.

To tell her, you must see her. Only you know if she is more into the surprises or what have you. Maybe she doesn't like surprises at all. But hold her hand, and look into her eyes, and tell her you've never let her go, you've dated other people looking for her. Tell her you dont know how your going to be able to live without her as your soulmate, your bride, the mother of your children. You cant see growing old without her. For her, if she really loves you, this will justify why she cant waste her or her BF's time anymore. Just be honest, it's all you can do.

My last bit of advice to you? To admonish all fears? EXPECT NOTHING. Only know what it is you have to say to her. That's all you need to know. Let everything else just happen.

Good Luck, Guy.