I'm waffling, going crazy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
I'm waffling, going crazy!
4
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 10:52pm
I wrote almost half a year ago about my boyfriend of 10 years, and being unhappy because our relationship was stagnant (we're unmarried, living together). We had a talk back then and he had said that he did want the same things as me (marriage and kids), so I was happy waiting. It's been six months (almost), and still no ring. I'm getting a bit antsy because I'm starting to question whether he's the right one. His younger brother has recently married, and that couple never lived together and bought a house in less than a year. You can imagine that I feel that he doesn't love me enough, or at all. It's hard not to compare, and his mother asked me recently why we weren't married. Well, I haven't been asked!
His mom's having her birthday bash next month, and I've been invited. I'm having many second thoughts about us, and about him. I don't want to be asked why I'm not married (the family has known me for years), and my parents are very patient and supportive, but I feel so SAD that he hasn't proposed, especially compared to other family members who have committed with much less time. Can anyone give me a better perspective? I feel so down and I'm beginning to hate him and myself for being in this seemingly dead-end relationship. Where is the romantic, sweep-off-my feet???
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 6:05am

I suggest that you sit down and discuss some time-lines with him. If he refuses to reveal his time-frame, then it would be fairly safe to assume that

1. he's got no intention of marrying you

or

2. he's doesn't understand your needs

Either way, if he refuses to discuss how he feels about your future together, take it as a giant red flag.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 7:52am

angie_dragonfly...

It's only Pianoguy's opinion, but if you HONESTLY want your b/f to respond to the promises he has made (but apparently hasn't KEPT)...you're gonna need to shake things up a little?

For starters...don't compare the marital time frame others have with that of your own. Not all couples respond the same way. Some INSTANTLY know when they're in love---and it can take others AN ETERNITY to realize it!

It's only a suggestion, but I'd suggest you skip Mom's birthday! When your b/f asks you "WHY"---you can simply tell him that you're tired of 'masquerading as his companion?'
Go into the parental questions if you want to...but make it clear that you've "invested" 10 years of your life in him...and that you have no plans to continue the process for another 10! Be sincere...but direct!

You'll probably get one of these 2 reactions:

1. Your b/f will realize that his "delay time" is over and he'll have to move forward!

OR

2. He'll be so angry that he'll END EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY!

My question is...."can you let him go if he responds with reaction #2?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 11:10am

I don't need to tell you this, but 10 years is a long time to be someone's "girlfriend," and to be no closer to being engaged than you were 9 years ago. Basically, you're going to have to make the decision. This is not just your boyfriend's failure to propose. It's really about your own willingness to live with him in limbo when what you really want is to get married and start a family.

There's no way to force him to marry you. But you can set your own deadline for getting engaged, and also give a ballpark date for when you would like to get married. And yes, this is a ultimatum. But I think an ultimatum is necessary because you have a life goal and desire for yourself that your partner has agreed to, in theory. But he needs to know you are SERIOUS about it.

Like Pianoguy said, either he'll agree with the deadline or he'll bail. What you shouldn't do is stay in this relationship as a girlfriend if what you want is to get married. Ten years is long enough, so you need to be prepared to walk. I know it's extremely difficult to even think about walking away from someone you love. But like you said, you have been unhappy and going crazy for some time now WITHIN this relationship. It's possible you could be happier on your own and giving yourself a chance to find someone who doesn't just TALK about moving forward but who actually does it.

I sincerely hope your boyfriend comes to the decision that he's ready to get engaged and married, and to you.

In terms of his mother's party... well, don't go if you don't want to go. But think about your relationship with his mother. Would your absence hurt her feelings? Would you feel comfortable staying away from the event and knowing you disappointed someone you care about? You have real time invested in this man, and you are probably as close to a member of his family as a real wife would be. If you decide to go and someone has the bad manners to ask you why you're not married yet, you can just say: "We're working on it, but that's all I can say right now." Then change the subject. If you don't go, make sure you do something positive and rewarding for yourself. And have that IMPORTANT conversation with your boyfriend as soon as possible!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 1:45am
Dear iv_aisha2004,
Thanks so much for your response. You're completely right, it is a red flag. We've had discussions on our future, and he assures me that he's "working on it". But as time passes, i have doubts where I didn't have any before.