"no strings?"
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| Sat, 05-27-2006 - 2:47am |
Hi all ...
What does the phrase "no strings attached" mean to you when it comes to a love relationship? I'm in the very beginning of getting to know someone I like (we are just friends at this point, not "dating", but there is a definite more-than-friends vibe), and he used this phrase when we were talking (in general) about love relationships. He said he really wants a new relationship, but he also said something about "no expectations." Mind you, he is not talking about me in particular here, just in general ... but that "no strings" comment got me thinking. It makes me wonder if this is worth pursuing at all, because MY take on "no strings attached" is "I'm not looking for any kind of commitment."
It probably sounds like I'm jumping the gun here, but I know myself, and I have a tendency to "overlook" things like this in the very beginning and then wonder later on why I'm disappointed things aren't as I want them to be.
What do you think?
carriebgirl

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Yes, your take is exactly right...he's looking for a relationship where he gets the benefits like sex, but has none of the obligations or expectations that go with committment.
Unless that's ok with you, keep this guy as a platonic friend.
Sheri
Thanks to you both. That is my definition of "no strings attached" as well. This guy just doesn't strike me as the type who would want a just-sex, no-commitment relationship, based on other things I know about him and things he's said, so I was surprised to hear him say that. But I don't think I'm going to get further involved because "no strings" is NOT what I want in a relationship.
carriebgirl
Thanks for your thoughts, biochic. Actually, he used both the phrase "no strings attached" and "no expectations" in the same conversation. It kind of sounded to me in some ways like he meant what you're saying -- just wanting to take things day by day and go with the flow -- but "no strings attached" stuck in my mind in a bad way. I totally agree that we can construe something someone says completely differently than what they meant. You're right, the only way to know for sure would be to ask him directly. Hopefully we'll have another conversation around the topic of relationships and I can work it in and he can clarify himself.
Thanks again!
carriebgirl
Although it is located on a different board, you may wish to read the following post titled: How To - Have "The Talk" with your man
It's located at: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlanswerman&msg=11654.1
Expectation management is an important part of new relationships. The post mentioned above may offer you some value in this regard.
Thank you, spice.man, I will give it a look!
carriebgirl
I read the post and it was interesting and helpful spice.man, thank you. I particularly like the bit about stable men not making any big decisions about the direction of the relationship during the "infatuation phase." This goes for women as well ... those of us who are well-balanced are not going to make any sweeping statements about "commitment" during this phase.
I really don't like this sentence, though: "Men do not like being put on the hotseat and forced to make the relationship direction decision while you sit quiet and pass judgement on his words and decision." How about rewording this sentence? "...while you sit quiet and pass judgment on his words and decision" strikes me as a rather passive dart aimed at all women. I don't think I've ever sat quietly and passed judgment on a man while "forcing him to make the relationship direction decision." I assume that the "relationship direction decision" will be made by both participants in the relationship. There's a certain bitterness toward women in this statement that I don't think helps the message overall.
That said, this was interesting and helpful and I thank you.
carriebgirl
Thank you for your feedback and comments. Hopefully I can expand upon the context and intent of the part that caused you concern. This is based on 18 to 24 months of time reading and posting on various iVillage Relationships boards.
I fundamentally believe that a great relationship needs to be equality-based and mutually-beneficial. As such, you and I are essentially in agreement that both people must take an active role in setting the direction and expectations of a relationship. However, I have seen hundreds of posts by women that ask the question - "How do I get him to define the relationship?".
To me, that's not an appropriate question to ask as it is opposed to the concept of an equality-based and mutually-beneficial relationship. It needs to be a bi-directional and open-ended discussion by both people. As this discussion flows through the different phases suggested I've tried to keep that as a desired result for both people.
*"I fundamentally believe that a great relationship needs to be equality-based and mutually-beneficial. As such, you and I are essentially in agreement that both people must take an active role in setting the direction and expectations of a relationship. However, I have seen hundreds of posts by women that ask the question - "How do I get him to define the relationship?"
To me, that's not an appropriate question to ask as it is opposed to the concept of an equality-based and mutually-beneficial relationship. It needs to be a bi-directional and open-ended discussion by both people."*
Spice.man, I totally agree with what you wrote above. And I guess what you are saying is that the post you directed me to has been written primarily FOR women who have been looking to the man to define the relationship (given that in your experience there are a lot of women on the boards asking this question)? Even if that's the case, I still don't care for the wording of that sentence I pointed out to you earlier. I think it could be changed to sound more respectful toward the women the post is meant for.
But in spirit I agree with everything you wrote and think it's very helpful.
carriebgirl
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