When its your fault...???
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| Sat, 05-27-2006 - 7:55pm |
Hi all! I already posted on the "breaking up is hard to do" message board, but I am just desperate for any advice and help! In my other message I stated that my boyfriend and I are going through a "break" .. I have never been in one so this is new to me. I would like to know if anybody has ever gone through a "break" and if so, how did it turn out? Did you get back together or no, did it help the relationship? What are the boundaries? How are breaks supposed to help?
Now, with that being said ... I need some opinions. Please don't find me crazy in everything I'm about to say. I absolutly love my boyfriend! I've been married once before and NEVER felt these strong of feelings for my ex-husband or any other ex's in that matter. I can definatly see spending every minute of the rest of my life with him, he is the ONE for me! I know this! I can ramble on and on about how I feel about him and how great he is, but I am sure ya'll get the picture!
The break was decided today, and I have been sitting on my couch for over 6 hours just thinking things through. And I have figured out that a LOT has been my fault!!!! See, we have been fighting more and more lately, and it has really put a toll on our relationship. But I can see that a majority of the fights begin with me, and I also tend to escalate them out of control! I know its wrong, but my main problem is that I am a little insecure in the relationship. Sometimes when we fight we tend to get close to breaking up, but he doesn't usually do anything about it, he just gets cold and mean, I am usually the one saying sorry and making everything better (normally because it is my fault) well, recently we went to a concert and I thought he was checking out other girls ... being insecure in our relationship, and have been cheated on before (not by him), I over reacted and things got a little out of hand. Now I have pushed him so hard to the point we are on a "break" it kills me and eats me up inside.
I am so hurt and upset by this, he is everything to me and I can not lose him! I see what I have done wrong, I know exactly what my problem is ... but now I need to ask ya'll .. how far is to far? Do I give him the space he needs? Or do I go to him and talk it over with him? I want to run to his place, give him a big bear hug and admit to him that I know its my fault (lately I have been putting A LOT of the blame on him) and see if we can work though this instead of taking a "break" I don't feel right knowing that I do not have my better half right now ... I know its only been a few hours, but it will only get worse ... especially when I know its my fault! What do I do? I don't want to go overboard and look desperate. But this man is my future, and I might lose him because I tend to pick at him to much and because I have insecurites ... nobody deserves to be put though what I put him though .. and he stood by me the entire time (the fights and the way I have been acting have been going on for almost a month)! No matter how bad a fight got, I never thought I would ACTUALLY lose him (I pratically took him for granted and how far I could push him)!!! Now that I pratically have lost him, its like a wake up call and it scares me. I see now what I have done so wrong and I know what I need to fix it! But should I do it now? Do I go to him and appologize or let him be? Do I wait for him to come to me? But what if he doesn't come to me because he doesn't know that I realize I am the problem here, not him (which I told him he was)!! What do I do? Sorry I wrote so much, I just need some advice!!! Thank you so much!

I'm sorry that you are going through this.
My suggestion would be that you start to address the reasons behind your actions. Admitting that you are at fault is the first half of finding the solution here - fixing the underlying causes is the second half.
I suggest that you get yourself into personal counselling ASAP. Then tell your boyfriend that you feel that you've done a lot of wrong stuff in the relationship and are doing your best to address the issues.
There is the possibility that it's simply too late for him and he won't want to try again. But if this is the case, take all that you've learned about yourself and use it in a positive manner. Grow and learn from it.
best of luck to you.
twin20...
Pianoguy might have responded to your earlier post, but at the risk of a 're-run' here's TAKE 2!
The best way to solve indecision is to take yourself COMPLETELY out of the picture! NO CONTACT for a few weeks, a month, or whatever length of time it takes to get your head on straight!
Please stop uttering the "I can not lose him" excuse! If a man wants to look at other women (let alone mess around with one or two)...THEY'LL FIGURE OUT A WAY TO DO THIS BEHIND YOUR BACK! This doesn't mean any woman should sit idly by while her husband (or boyfriend) screws around!
She needs to look out for herself...and consider her current situation as well as her (possible) future alone? If you look at the break as a 'wake-up call for yourself' and NOT A FAILURE---it'll help you avoid a similar situation down the road.
Couples aren't infallible. We can start out with the same goals and desires, but after so many years of disappointments (personal or with our partners), we find ourselves "growing in different directions!"
This is no one's fault in particular. It's just something that happens---especially when when every option "to work things out" has FAILED!
So stop being so hard on yourself...and take the break! A few months of separation from a partner can often change things?
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
You know I am actually in a similar position. The definition of a 'break' can mean different things to different people. It's important to define what yours is and follow the boundaries of the person who requested the break. In my situation, my man said he would like to stay friends and continue talking on the phone during the break. We also agreed we wouldn't actively be looking for others or go on dates during this time but we know we can't exactly help if we "happen" to meet someone. The only thing we left open was the length of the break.
Regarding your break: did he tell you what that entailed? Does that mean no contact? occasional contact? Are you both free to date other people? What about having sex with others?
I would first wait at least one full week before calling him or contacting him in any way (including text msgs, email, etc.) After that, if you still haven't heard from him and you feel the need to let him know how you feel, then I would suggest a handwritten letter, snail mailed to him. The letter should let him know that you recognize the issues you need to work on and that you are sorry they affected the relationship to the point where it pushed him away. Let him know you are working on those issues so that they will not be an issue if he were to give the relationship another chance. You can tell him you love him and want to be with him but DO NOT say you cannot live without him. DO NOT say you absolutely need him for your life to continue. Also make it clear somewhere in there that you are writing the letter to respect the space he has asked for (less intrusive than a phone call, more personal than an email). And consider including something about how if he decides not to try again with you, that you will use the lessons you've learned with him for a future relationship (so he knows that you can and will move on if things don't work out with him).
Good luck.. keep your chin up girl!
P.S. Don't get mad at me if you take my advice and it backfires or doesn't work. I'm not a professional... :)