Can anyone help me figure this guy out?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Can anyone help me figure this guy out?!
5
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 1:37am

Howdy all.. I'm not so new to ivillage, but I'm new to this particular area :)

My story is long and detailed, but I just simply cannot figure this guy out. Any help would be so awesome.

Starting from the beginning:
I started working for a new company in the beginning of March. I was focused on doing well within the company (and I still am), but one day my new supervisor walked in the room. I found him attractive, but didn't think anything of it. Then a coworker showed me his myspace, and WOW. He has a picture of himself without a shirt on, and he had such a great body. I became hooked.

Not wanting to stir up an interoffice relationship, I was conflicted. I really wanted to pursue him, but I didn't because he was my supervisor (temporarily, he was holding the place until our new -permanent- manager was hired). I started talking to him online from home, but we never discussed who I was, other than we worked together. Our conversations were always fantastic. Hours of books, movies, philosophy, etc etc. One night the curiousity got the better of him and he asked who I was... unfortunately on that night I'd had a few drinks and I didn't mind him knowing. So i told him.

The next day at work he invited me to play pool with him in the break room, which I did. Totally friendly, as always. A few nights later I was leaving a friends house when I received an instant message through my phone, from him. I told him that if he wanted to continue to talk, he would have to call me, and he did. He invited me over for a beer with him and his roommate, so I went. It was 3am by this point. I had one beer, and we engaged in some humorous conversations. About 4:30am rolled around, and he indicated he was ready for bed. He said goodnight to his roommate, and started to walk upstairs. He didn't say anything, but motioned for me to follow, which I did. Needless to say, fantastic sex occured, three times.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I found myself at his house two more times. Each time we would play chess or video games, and eventually migrate upstairs. The first two times I would leave soon after, but the third time I stayed the night. We kept our personal and business relationships 100% separate. We hardly spoke at work. By this time, his management position had expired and he was in the same position as my own.

I started to notice that he was playing games with me, or so I felt. I had never in my life had what I would call "good sex", but I was definitely receiving it from him. He began to understand that he could have me whenever he wanted... Looking back now I believe I analyzed these "games" too much.

I called him on the mindgames I thought he was playing. He said that he wasn't, and wondered why I was "going crazy" on him. We ended up calling the whole thing off, but we remained friends and still talked every night.

(still reading?)

About a month later, I found out I was pregnant. I'm still not sure how it happened, since we'd had protected sex and as far as we both knew, the condoms had not broken. I waited until I'd tested positive 3 times before I told him. He was absolutely NOT happy about it, terrified out of his mind. We spent the next week discussing options, not sleeping, not eating, and hardly working. Luckily, I didn't have to make the decision about an abortion because I miscarried. We were both just ecstatic about it. He was more excited that he would not have a kid, and I was excited that I would not have to decide about an abortion. (sidenote: I've always been prochoice, but I always said it's not MY choice)

We decided to celebrate our new freedom together. This whole situation has been a secret from everyone, so we were only able to talk about it with each other. We made plans to get together at his house one night after work and drink to not having children.

This is where I start getting (more)confused.

I showed up at his house ready to drink. He prepared us a couple of doubleshots of vodka, which I sipped on because I am NOT made to drink vodka straight. We played chess and some other board games for a while, and drank more. The first game we played while sitting on the couch. He could have easily sat somewhere else, but he sat right next to me. We hadn't even begun drinking yet, and he was already flirting with me. By the time we sat on the floor to play video games in front of the TV, he was blatant about it. He kept tickling me, and even went so far as to lift up my skirt "just to see if the same rules apply". (I don't wear underwear.. but I do in skirts! And he *knows* this.) I was determined to be good, and not cave, so I would slap his hand away. He would be good for a while, and then slowly his hand would creep over again. By this time I'd had a lot to drink, and again, I didn't care. I wanted him to do it. I wanted to get him in bed again. So I played along. I slapped his hand away, but then I tackled him. We wrestled on the ground for a good 10 minutes or so, and then composed ourselves and went back to the video games. But as we drank more, we wrestled more. Finally I said "To hell with it!" and I kissed him. I'd wanted to do it all night, all month! So I finally did it.

By about 4am we were done with the bottle of vodka, so we started upstairs. We both knew what was going to happen, and we both wanted it. Unfortunately, as soon as we got there my stomach started to slosh, and it became very clear that I was not fit to do anything but puke. And puke I did! At least I was able to make it into the bathroom.. where I stayed for the next 90 minutes. I told him he might as well go to sleep, because there was no way I was coming out of there and resuming the previously scheduled events.

I woke up in the morning next to him, and we stayed in bed for about an hour before it was time to get up and go to work. We were both hungover like you wouldn't believe. Amazingly, even after throwing up forever and hoping to die, I was *still* a little bit drunk when I get to work. So was he....

The next night we didn't discuss what had happened that night. We never talked about whether or not we starting our "relationship" again. I assumed that we were not, and it was just two people who had been drinking and had a lot of sexual tension.

He's been a different person towards me since then, however. He will send me random messages at work, just to see what I'm doing or how I'm feeling or anything really. A few times I've turned around and he's just standing there! He comes over just to say hi. He comes to my desk to get something for a headache, or to bring me bags of m&ms that I didnt' ask for. He called me "babe" at work. He'd never done that before.

A few nights ago I was walking out of the building. He walked quickly to catch up with me, and walked me out the door, talking about the salsa contest our company had hosted that day (which he'd attended and I hadn't).

He's shown a genuine interest and concern for what was happening in my life. He complimented me for the first time. He's offered to be an ear if I needed anything.

But I wonder.. is he interested? Is he on a power trip because he knows that he could call me right now and I'd rush to his house? He's very arrogant. I question this all because aside from the sex, I do really like him. I think he's a brilliant person and I would love the chance to get to know him better, and to date him.

Because of the baby situation we definitely bonded, and we've talked about this fact. But is there more to it than that?

WOW. That's a really long story. I really hope I can get some input on this.. and thank you to anyone who actually read all of that :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 8:53am

Wow, that's a lot of stuff there. Of course he's gonna be a different person towards you. You got pregnant and lost the kid, which for him gives the green light to keep doing what's he's been doing, which is to try and get his "cookies"!

Honestly, he seems more confused than you do. If I were you, I would take yourself out of the situation all together, whether it be to get another job, change your phone number, etc. To relate to this, imagine fishing with bait and you get a fish on that. Well you are the fish and he's are the bait, he keeps reeling you in every time. As the fish you have to be smart enough to know what is real bait and what is hooked to a line. You saw him in a different light when you saw his myspace, you started to flirt with your boss, and he flirted back. Now he's starting to mess with your head, calling you babe, paying attention to you, and you are liking it a lot, right?

This isn't going to go anywhere from what I see. If the guy really wanted to be with you, he would have expressed it by now. But if you really want to know the deal, tell him what's up and see what his deal is. If it's not what you want to hear, you need to be prepared for that, and remove yourself from the situation.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 9:52am
I think this story is a perfect example of why people should show more restraint and not sleep with each other before really getting to not only know each other, but develop a care and concern for each other.
The problem with this situation is right in the beginning when you talked to him online. Getting to know someone without hearing their voice or seeing their face takes all the interpersonal development out of a budding relationship, friendship or otherwise. Plus, you were talking to him anonymously. So while you associated all those great conversations with a name and face, he only saw a screen name. See the problem? You were becoming attatched while he was just enjoying good conversation with a mystery female. Once he found out who you were, it was too late because chances are while you were replaying every conversation in your mind, he was most likely thinking "yes! I know who this girl is and I know she's interested in me, so maybe I've got a shot!", which would explain why he asked you to go out with him so suddenly.
Honestly, I think this guy is really smooth and the problem is he knows that. Only a few nights after you tell him who you are and he's already trying to sleep with you? That's possibly one of the quickest ladder jumps from "friend" to "sex partner" I've see (to see what I'm talking about, go to www.intellectualwhores.com). I give him credit because he succeeded, which is mistake #2 in the road to a real relationship.
mistake #3 is a combination of you getting attatched and maintaining a steady sexual relationship with him. At this point -
You're thinking: "Hey, hot guy, great sex, intelligent conversation, this is everything I could ever want! It's just like a real relationship"
He's thinking: "Hey, smart hot girl, great sex, often, I am the MAN!"
So when you accuse him of playing mind games, it turns into -
You're thinking: "Hey, he's not acting like the perfect boyfriend anymore! I bet he's seeing other girls. What happened to that lovely caring guy I fell for a few weeks ago?"
He's thinking: "Aww no she's getting attatched. I think this means no more sex. Oh well, it was good while it lasted"
I think this was a miscommunication from the beginning, because he never really got to know you as a person. Men are very hands-on creatures and need a physical stimuli to associate with a feeling or thought.
Moving on.
I can't help but wonder if you were a bit surprised that he wasn't happy about you being pregnant. Regardless of whether or not you miscarried, you saw this as a bonding moment where he saw this as a permanent damper on party time. So when you told him you were no longer pregnant, he immediately wanted to do you. I don't really get it, but that's the man brain for you. Anyway, that night your stomach threw a wrench into his plans and inadvertedly did what you should've done in the first place: not sleep with him. Now he thinks he has to win you over to get you back in bed and he's putting on his best behavior to inmpress you. My advice is to act unimpressed and not jump back into bed with him because it will start this whole pattern of behavior all over again. Unless he's mature enough to make the conscious effort to get to know you as a person (which is doesn't really sound it if he's really as arrogant as you say), I don't think you can pursue a real relationship with him after having all this sexual drama.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:57am

I'm sure he'd be happy to resume the benefits if you're offering and have an ongoing FWB, but if he really wanted to start a relationship, he'd ask you out on a proper date.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 8:40pm

sailchikbeth-- I appreciate your point of view on this, but I think you've got it all wrong.

A) "You were becoming attatched while he was just enjoying good conversation with a mystery female. Once he found out who you were, it was too late because chances are while you were replaying every conversation in your mind, he was most likely thinking "yes! I know who this girl is and I know she's interested in me, so maybe I've got a shot!", which would explain why he asked you to go out with him so suddenly."

Not quite. I was not attached to the man, or to the conversation. To put it bluntly, I was attached to the manHOOD. I agree that he was probably thinking he had a chance to get laid, which is fine with me.. because that's all I wanted too.

B) "Only a few nights after you tell him who you are and he's already trying to sleep with you?"

Again, not quite. I was the one who first brought up the mention of sex. I will not deny or be ashamed to admit that I was definitely the seducer in this relationship. When we walked upstairs, he made no effort to touch me, and left it all in my court. I was only too happy to oblige.

C) "I can't help but wonder if you were a bit surprised that he wasn't happy about you being pregnant."

I am absolutely NOT surprised that he wasn't happy about it. I was not happy about it. I did not see it as a "bonding opportunity", I saw it as a huge f-cking crisis *excuse my language please*. After the miscarriage I looked back and felt like I had bonded with him as a result.

D) "Unless he's mature enough to make the conscious effort to get to know you as a person (which is doesn't really sound it if he's really as arrogant as you say)"

While he is certainly arrogant, he has made a valiant effort to get to know me for who I am, NOT just for the sex I might offer him.

In every conversation that we have had, or to the best of my recollection anyway, it was always me who brought up the topic of sex. And again, I am not ashamed to admit this, but any means. Having dealt with a low sex drive my entire life, I am absolutely ecstatic that I was able to find someone who can bring out the prowess in me, so to speak.

That being said, thank you all for the great advice :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 10:41am

I read your whole message. Wow!

Remember that he only has as much power over you as *you* allow him to have. It does seem like he is interested in you, but it's unclear to what degree.

I recommend doing some soul searching. What kinds of relationships are you willing/not willing to have with this man? Once you know your boundaries, then you need to talk with him and see if he is on the same page as you. And enforce your boundaries.

So, for instance if you want a real relationship with him and don't want to settle for less, tell him. And if he only wants the late-night hookup/friends-with-benefits scenario, cut him off. Because regardless of how good the sex is, if what you really want is a real relationship then settling for less will not get you what you truly desire. (And a real relationship and good sex are not mutually exclusive!!)