He says I'm not expressive enough

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2006
He says I'm not expressive enough
4
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 3:16pm

A week ago my bf of 7 months said that he's really confused about us because I'm not really expressive of my feelings so he never knows how I feel about our relationship. For example, he mentioned that he would like me to give passionate kisses and he'd like for us to really connect in bed. It's not that I am cold or anything but more like I'm just not as comfortable as I'd like to be.

He is 30 and basically looking for someone he could eventually share the rest of his life with. It's been only 7 months and he's already worried that we haven't said "those 3 words". To me, 7 months is still early and obviously we're still trying to understand each other better. Not that I could not love him ever but I don't think it's that time yet.

So he suggested we take a break away from each other for maybe a week or 2 to think about all this and decide whether we want to work this out or discontinue our relationship. I don't want to lose him, I like him a lot and he's what I've been looking for. I think about us having a future together and he has a very good potential for being "the one". I wish I could really express how I feel about him but it doesn't seem to come out. Ever since we started dating I lost the most meaningful friendship with my best friend (long story). Basically she was jealous and could not be happy for me. Another thing is that my parents give me a hard time about dating him because they don't approve. I think that these things have a huge impact on how I am with him. I can't fully enjoy our times together without knowing that my best friend resents me and my parents can't be happy for me. He knows about my friend and my parents but I guess I never realized the effect it could have on us.

Do you think there's hope for this relationship? I would really like to work this out. I want to be able to let go of what the others think and focus more on the relationship. And more than ever I want to make my bf happy. Do you think that's even possible? What should be both do to work this out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 3:19pm
Just tell him exactly what you wrote. That you're happy with him and that you really like him. There's not really a right or a wrong way to express how you feel. Just say it, right out loud. How sad it would be if you never got a chance to tell him how you truly felt. He won't laugh - just say it. Everyone likes to know how someone feels about them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 10:33am

How old are you? Why don't your parents approve of the relationship? Why was your best friend jealous?

I believe that you can't please everyone, and you have to make your own life choices. But, I also believe that you should listen to those who love you, because they have your best interests at heart. And they may see something that you don't, and you should at least seriously consider their points.

It may be that while you are in this relationship in spite of their wishes that part of you feels their views have validity, which is why you are holding back. So I would work through those issues. What exactly are their views? To what extent do you agree/disagree?

As you work through those issues, whether the relationship is worth it or not should become clearer as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2006
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 5:25pm

Thanks so much for your input. I am 26. My parents don't approve of him because they say he doesn't make enough money. He's a bartender at a restaurant but at least he makes a living doing it on his own. My parents have already said not to marry him if he ever proposed. I also still live with them because I want to save enough so I can buy my own place. It's been difficult since they never say anything positive about me dating him. They don't even know him that well and it doesn't seem like they want to.

As for my best friend, to make a long story short...We went to the restaurant and that's how I met my bf for the 1st time, my friend met him too. She had a crush on him but he ended up asking me out, I said yes. I even talked to my friend about it, I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But nothing was ever the same between us after that. She thought I betrayed her and I feel horrible about it even though I don't think I did anything wrong.

So in fact my parents and my friend aren't happy I'm dating this guy because of reasons other than the relationship itself. It's true what you said, You can't please everyone and eventually I will need to live the life I want. I respect that they have their opinions, I just wish I could do something so that I'm not stuck in the middle of such imbalanced relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 6:29pm

That background helps.

It's unfortunate about your friend, but it sounds like you handled the situation in an up-and-up manner, and there is nothing further you can really do to make the friendship strong again unless she is willing to make the effort too.

As far as your parents, their concern most likely isn't just about money and whether he can provide for you and your children years down the road, but also about whether your boyfriend is motivated enough to keep growing with you your whole life. Are you in school? What career interests you? Would you be willing to move for a great job opportunity? Would he?

The way my parents always explained it to me was: life is a journey, and everyone has their own unique path. Sometimes you find someone whose path matches yours for awhile, but eventually your paths take you in different directions. So while your relationship might be harmonious now, the relationship might make you unhappy down the road because your paths are too far apart. The (hard) trick is to find someone whose remaining life path closely follows your own.

Now it may be that your boyfriend's future path is closely aligned with yours. Just because parents always want us to be happy doesn't mean that they always know what makes us happy. But, give them the benefit of the doubt that they do want what is best for you -- even if they're wrong about what that is! (And maybe they're not wrong; that's for you to think about and work out). When parents decide whether they like their child's boyfriend (or girlfriend), they're not just looking at whether the boyfriend is treating their daughter right today, but whether the boyfriend has what it takes to treat their daughter right today *and* twenty years from now.

If you decide that you still want to pursue your relationship with your boyfriend, then I suggest sitting your parents down and talking hoenstly with them. Tell them you appreciate how much they care, that you've seriously considered the points they've raised, but you think that the benefits of being with him outweigh those concerns. I'd try to intigrate your boyfriend more into your parents' lives, with more dinners, outings, etc. Try to show them the positive points of your boyfriend.

Ultimately, you can't control your parents, and they might not ever approve of him. At which time, you will have to make a hard decision. But, consider everyone's advice and feelings, but make the decision that is best for you. In the long run it will serve you better.

best of luck!