How To - Have "The Talk" with your man
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How To - Have "The Talk" with your man
| Tue, 05-30-2006 - 4:23pm |
Spiceman posted this link to another poster and have read it a few times. For those of you who do not get over to the Ask the Answer Man Board I have copy and pasted because I think it is a good read. Also, here is the link to the board if you like.


Thanks for the nice article! It seems that my boyfriend and I skipped phase 1 and 2 and went straight to phase 3. Now at the 3-month mark, I start to wonder abouut things that we should've discussed before we became exclusive. Is it too late to have the phase 1 & 2 talks now? My impression is that he wants a serious relationship but we have not talked about expectations or goals. We're both 29 and I'd like to be married (in general, not necessarily to him) within the next two years if possible. How do I initiate the talk to see if that's also what he wants? I am afraid to bring it up because it'd seem like I am giving him a "deadline" and it's way toooooo early for that. Thanks!
J.
Please don't think that the Phase 1 & 2 talks need to be a defined and schedule talk. It actually works much better if you keep it casual as part of everyday living and sharing. That alone reduces the anxiety for both of you.
You may want to consider this approach to get the discussion started. Sometime when things are relaxed and perhaps you are out for dinner or a couple of drinks at a pub then ask him the following questions:
- What do you really want to achieve with your life?
- If you could leave a special mark in this world - what would it be?
Another thing to remember is that any question you ask of him, you too should be prepared to answer. As you get this casual conversation started, you will have the opportunity to tell him that marriage and children will be an important part of your future. You don't need to state "within 2 years" at this time. Chances are he will ask you if you have a preferred timeline for these goals of yours.
In addition to Spice Man's suggested, I'd just add that SOME guys are more open then others. Sometimes if you start talking about your wants and desires for the future he'll just open and talk about his too.
My husband was this way. He's not neccessarily great with flly articulating things but he puts enough out there that I jave something to work with and can asking him more detailed questions if I feel the need to.
Talking to someone you love should not be cause for an anxiety attack. Just keep things calm and low pressure.
Don't mention that you'd like to be marrie din two years. Mentioning it will make him feel pressured. For that matter it's putting a lot of pressure on you too.
Which is really more important to you finding a man to marry by your deadline or finding the RIGHT man to marry?
I used to have deadlines or at least "goals" for getting married and starting a family, etc. They almost led me to make a HUGE mistake and get married too soon and to the WRONG guy. I had planned to get married by 25 and start a family by 30. But at 25 I found myself ENDING an engagement. At 32 I finally met the RIGHT guy and married him right after my 34th birthday. We may or may not start a family. We decided to wait until it felt RIGHT instead of worrying about a deadline.
Personally, I think I'm much happier now that I participate and am proactive in my life but don't try so hard to control it and meet self-imposed deadlines.
Just something to think about...
Hi, thanks for your reply (and thanks to spiceman for the clarification too). It's just so hard for me to approach the topic without making it sound like I am expecting something. I am always afraid that if I talk to a man about marriage, he'd think that I am referring to me and him (well, it usually is... but I don't want to put the pressure on him), as opposed to just getting a general idea as you suggested. It's just hard to try and hide my own desire or doubts so now I avoid the topic alltogether (even though deep down I am dying to know his long-term plans). A couple days ago we were hanging out with his friends who are getting married (he invited me to go to the wedding with him). And he just casually joked that he hopes that the woman he is marrying in the future will have enough guests to invite because he'd only have a table or two to fill (it was a joke, of course - he has plenty of friends). And then he turned to me and asked me "you have a lot of friends to invite, right?" But then he added that this should not be misconstrued as implications or indications for anything... I didn't say anything, just smiled uncomfortably to his jokes. So, occasionally he'd throw me little things like this that indicates he's not thinking about marriage for a while (in general, not with me) - and it seems that he wants to make sure that I know it. A while ago we were talking about love (in general, or about ex's? I don't remember, but it wasn't about us), and he said "by the way, you probably won't be hearing me say those words for a while" This I understand since we've been seeing each other for only 3 months, but it bugs me that he had to throw me those little reminders or "warnings". So far, I take from his comments that he's not thinking about more serious commitment, at least not for a while. That's perfectly reasonable. But how can I approach the subject in general without him thinking that I am pressuring him? Thanks for your advice!
J.
I personally find those little "warnings" crazy-making. I've been with people who have done that. There's something indirect about them and they leave you hanging. In his own way, he is being controlling of the relationship by making those little "side comments." It's better to be up front.
I really think it's impossible to not have some expectations for the relationship as you get more deeply into it. I don't think that's "pressuring" someone. In terms of broaching the subject with him, I guess part of it could be choosing your language ... maybe saying, "I'm just wondering ..." as opposed to, "I need an answer from you on this" or something like that? I think a rational guy is going to know that it's only fair and understandable that you'd just want a ballpark idea of where you're both at in terms of the future of the relationship. If you've approached it in a direct way, without getting overly emotional, and he feels pressured, I think that's his issue, not yours.
Well, in your situation, I'm not sure you can. He seems to be making it pretty clear he wants to take it slow and I'm getting the impression from you that you'd like to make sure you know where this is headed so you don't "waste time" with him.
IMO, you shouldn't base whether or not you want to spend time exploring a relationship with a man on the odds it will end in marriage. If you enjoy this man's company and want to see where it goes, you need to relax and do just that, rather then accessing the "success" of the relationship on whether or not it ends in a wedding.
If your goal is to be married, you can easily meet that goal with pretty much any guy. Do you want it to be about love and finding someone you can cherish the rest of your life or is all you care about meeting that deadline?
This much I know, people who focus more on getting married more then on finding a compatible partner to spend their life with typically wind up unhappily married. All because they were so preoccupied with finding a man who would marry them that they completely missed the fact that the guy who WOULD marry them wasn't really the kind of man they wanted to marry.
If you are enjoying the relationship and you feel it is progressing, then focus on that not what may or may not happen in the future.
If you fall in love with this man and, after a reasonable amount of time, you don't feel he returns those feelings, THEN consider ending things. You cna't force someone to love you bakc or to move faster then they want to just to fit your internal time table.