Burnt
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| Sun, 06-04-2006 - 2:58pm |
My last serious relationship ended February of last year. Since then I've dated but have been hesitant about jumping into a new relationship. During the time I only met one guy that I thought was "relationship material" but I admittedly ruined that relationship early on by being extremely closed and guarded. Last month I met a new guy that I really like. We've only gone out on one date because he's working out of state until next month. However, we talk on the phone almost everyday. Sometimes for several hours. In fact, Friday night we talked until 6am! So I guess this separation has given us the chance to really get to know each other. But he's already picked up on my reluctance to open up about myself. I want to give him a chance to get to know me, but I don't even know how to do that. I would really like to pursue something with this guy, but for some reason I can't let my guard down. I don't want to get my hopes up and I don't want to get hurt.
Does anyone have this problem? Or does anyone want to share their own experiences of being 'burnt' and how it affected subsequent relationships?

If you don't open up and give the guy a chance to get to know you, how do you expect him to react or how do you expect a relationship to fo forward? If you have this problem, I'd ask myself "what's the reason I don't open up? Why do I keep my guard up?
My questions to you are...."Is it because you fear the guy knowing how you really are?" , "What's the reason you don't open up?"
While dating we put our best foot forward and put on our best behavior. We tend to let the guy/girl know our qualities first and keep our flaws in the closet. For instance, if you're a messy person you don't say that during your first date. You may tell after a while, when your Bf comes over to your house and you've put all the junk in the closet and he accidentally opens it and every thing fall out on him. You tell if he finds out.
If you refuse to open up the guy will eventually leave. A person who doesn't open up for fear or else tends to be seen as "out of the norm" and a person difficult to relate to. We're not perfect, noone is perfect so it's OK to have flaws. The person you're dating or even you yourself, have to decide if he/you can deal with those flaws. For instance, if you're late all the time and your BF is not and he likes to be on time 99% of the time. He will have to decide if he can deal with your tardiness. If you're willing to change then great, but if it's one of these things that you don't want to change then it's up to him to see if he can or cannot.
To close with a personal experience, I was like you, I'd start dating and as soon as the dreaded family questions would start to pile up I'd shut down. I feared my date knowing how bad my family dynamics were/are. In fact, I was totally estraged from my brother and father. My father is a racist and my brother is an abuser. I have a sister who acts like a child, not really, she is older but acts immaturelly. I feared the guy knowing this and dumping me the next second. I didn't open up about it. The guy wanted to meet them, talk to them and such. I didn't let him and eventually it all ended. Nowadays, I do open up about it. Not every family is perfect and it's ok if my family is not perfect. When the questions apear I say "Well, I really don't have a close relationship with my family at this time". No need to go into deep if the relationship just started". If it progresses to the point of meeting them I'd explain in detail what the issies are.
I've learned to let people get to know me. I have qualities and flaws like every other person. I try to improve my flaws to become a better person for me. This is who I am and I like it.
We've all been "burnt"...some of us more than others ;-)!!! But while I might be more *cautious* because of it, I'm also open to the possibilities, and I realize that there's a risk that I'll get hurt again. But I know I can survive getting hurt again (I've done it all too many times before ;-)), and I know that I'll never have a truly intimate relationship unless I take that risk. What I do now is try to *reduce* the risk as much as possible by getting to know someone slowly, being aware of red flags, and doing my best to keep my emotions in check until I have dated someone for a while. But it simply *cannot* be eliminated, and I have chosen to take the risk in order to have the possibility of the reward I want very much (a healthy, happy relationship).
Counseling has helped me get to this place, so I'd highly recommend it.
Sheri
If you're talking for hours on the phone with this guy, you must be opening up at least somewhat, or what are you talking about? How quickly do you have to let someone get to know you, anyway? If you've only gone out on one date with this guy, I would say it's a little odd that he's pointing out that you're reluctant to open up, especially when you're spending hours on the phone. In the beginning of a relationship, you don't have to open up about everything. That's part of what getting to know someone is all about. Also, there is good reason to be cautious. Being cautious to an extent is normal, when you don't know someone very well.
It does sound like you're afraid because of past experiences, understandably, and I agree that seeing a counselor might be a good idea to help you work through some of this fear. But you're allowed to go at your own pace in terms of opening up to someone. I could understand if you were saying you'd been seeing this guy for 9 months or a year and you were still afraid of opening up. But after one date? Why should you open up completely? Trust takes time to build. Maybe a part of you (wisely) does not want this to move too fast.
The problem is that I'm not ready to become "intimate" with someone before I feel a level of security but I guess I can't reach that level without opening up. But I like this guy and I want to see where it will lead. I think I'm going to explain to him my uneasiness with opening up and why. I think he'll understand and that'll be a start.
I am still speaking regularly with the guy I said I was having trouble opening up to in the original post. It's been two months and he's finally coming back in a week. He's pointed out that I'm opening up more. It actually wasn't as hard as I thought it was. I liked sharing myself with someone and feeling as if they "get" you. Unfortunately, I hit a road block last night. I'm really not even sure what happened. We started discussing trust and he asked if I felt I was trustworthy. I asked him if there was anything that might make it difficult for him to trust me. He mentioned that he was apprehensive about my friendship with my best male friend. In fact, he thought that my friend was my bf when we first met. He claims that he isn't a jealous person, but since he doesn't know me well yet he can't be sure about my character and what type of woman I am. Although it made sense, having my character brought into question made me want to shut down. I felt like I now had to prove myself to him somehow. Instead, I chose to put up another wall. He sensed that I had suddenly become withdrawn from the conversation and asked me about it, but I couldn't explain how I felt or why I was reacting the way I did.
Does my reaction make any sense? I know it's natural for people dating to be uncertain about the type of person they're dealing with but to have him verbalize his concerns stung a little. Should this be my incentive to give him more opportunities to learn more about me so he can know the type of woman I truly am?
Also, should I be happy that he's honest about his conern in regards to my relationship with my male friend or could this possibly be a sign that he's a jealous person?